I sighed and rummaged in the fridge for a ready meal.
***
I went to visit Jay after I'd eaten, hoping I'd left enough time for Olivia to be in and out before I got there-I wasn't looking forward to seeing her again in a hurry, in case she started going on about my personal grooming issues in front of my brother. He'd never let me hear the last of it.
The private hospital, it turned out, was only a hop, skip and a jump away from Southampton General. Not, of course, that most of those admitted were up to any of that sort of thing. I supposed Jay might have managed a hop, but skipping or jumping was definitely out. The car park here was free, at least, and the reception was a lot nicer than the NHS one-more like a conference centre than a hospital, really. Visiting hours were a lot more accommodating too-basically they said turn up whenever you want, although I had a feeling they wouldn't be too chuffed about people rolling in after the pubs had closed.
Jay had a private room here, with its own TV and en suite bathroom. He didn't look quite so happy, though-maybe he missed chatting up the NHS nurses. "'Lo," he muttered in reply to my exaggeratedly hearty greeting.
"What's up?"
He shrugged. "Oh, you know. Just bored." He looked out of the window with a wistful expression. There wasn't a lot to see, but I guessed that wasn't the point.
"Missing your usual fresh air and exercise?"
"Just a bit." He turned back to me with a determined-to-stay-cheerful air. "So, how are you getting on at the shop? Matt managing to stay in one piece?"
"Yes, he's doing okay, actually. Hasn't trashed a single bike. His mate turned up today. Adam-you know him?"
Jay cracked a smile. "Bloody hell, how did you cope-alone in a shop with two poofs? Bet you spent the whole time with your hands over your nads and your back up against a wall."
I stared. "Adam's a poof? I mean, Adam is gay?" He hadn't looked gay-but then, neither did Matt, did he? "And anyway, should you be using the word 'poof'? I thought it was the sort of thing you could only say if you actually were one."
"Nah, they don't mind. And yeah, Adam's as queer as they come," Jay confirmed, looking pleased about it. I supposed he thought he was striking a blow for tolerance, one bigot at a time. "Single too, last I heard," he added teasingly.
"Very funny."
"You know, I've heard a lot of homophobes are repressed homosexuals-"
My stomach turned to ice. "I'm not homophobic! Bloody hell, Jay!"
I thought I'd been successful in keeping the volume down below a shout, but a nurse passing the open door gave me a sharp look. Jay rolled his eyes melodramatically. "All right, all right-keep your hair on. I was only joking. Don't take everything so bloody seriously."
Right. Yeah. Joking. I tried to breathe deeply without him noticing. "There was something I wanted to ask you about," I said a bit abruptly because I couldn't stand the silence a moment longer. "Are you sure Matt's, well, honest?"
"What? Of course he is!"
"Well, it's just-he's been wearing this necklace-"
"Crime against humanity, is it, blokes wearing jewellery?"
"Shut up. It looked familiar, that's all, and I suddenly realised why. It's that one you brought back from Goa."
"Oh, that. Yeah, that's right. I never wear it anymore, and it seemed like his kind of thing. What's the big deal?"
What was the big deal? "Jay, you can't go giving jewellery to a gay bloke!"
"Why? Last time I looked there weren't any laws against it."
"But people are going to think-he's going to think-"
"What, that we're shagging? I pay him every month too-does that make him a rent boy? Bloody hell, Tim, have you ever listened to yourself?"
"You're not-" I had to clear my throat. "You're not involved with him, are you?"
"Tim, you prick, people are born gay. Or not, as the case may be. You can't catch it. I'm as straight as you are, for fuck's sake."
Well, at least that proved he really had been joking about the repressed homosexual thing. I just hoped my expression wasn't giving me away, that was all. Because I very much doubted Jay was as straight as I was. Mostly because, as it happened, I wasn't. Straight, that is, in case you're confused, which would be understandable in the circumstances. I certainly seemed to have spent most of my life in a state of confusion about my sexuality.
I'd decided a long time ago I didn't want to go skipping down that yellow brick road. I didn't fancy making friends with Dorothy, thought lavender was best left to old ladies, and green carnations made me look bilious. Basically, I didn't want to be gay. Mum would hit the roof, Dad would be quietly appalled, and Jay … Well, I'd always had the impression Jay thought I was a bit prissy. Coming out as a man who liked men-my gut clenched at the thought. It'd just be one more way I'd failed to measure up.