"Yeah, you fucking should be, Lex! Maybe you don't care at all about yourself, but there are people in your life who care about you."
I wince. "I said I was sorry."
"Christ, do you know what it was like to see you lying at the bottom of a pool?"
"I wasn't trying to...I mean, I was, but then I—"
He kneels in front of me, staring daggers into my eyes. "How dare you?" he hisses.
"I—"
"How could you be so selfish? Knowing how much you miss your mother, how could you possibly consider, even for a moment, inflicting that kind of pain on your family, on me?"
Tears begin to flow down my face. "You really think that's what I need to hear right now? It's not about you!"
I hear him take a deep breath as I bury my face against my knees. "I'm sorry," he says. I feel his arms wrap tentatively around me, and then after a moment, he pulls me tight against his chest. "I'm sorry. I was so angry when—no, no, that’s not true. I was terrified. I was fucking terrified when I saw you down there."
"I tried to swim back up, really I did, but it was too late."
"It's alright now," he says, stroking my head.
"No, no it's not. I mean, fuck, I've made a mess out of everything. I spent the last of my money on college, and I'm not even there. I can barely remember the last fucking month because I've been so drunk, and now William wants me to move to London with him!"
"Are...are you going to go?" I feel his hand stop.
"What do you care?" I sniff. "We barely even talk anymore, and now you're dating Petra."
"How did you—" he stops himself. "We're not dating. We went on a date."
"No, I get it," I assure him, leaning back so I can look him in the eye. "She's great. I think you're a perfect match."
"Oh, you do?" Is that a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth? "I don't."
"Well, why'd you go out with her then?"
"I was hoping it would help."
"Help what?"
He sighs and runs his fingers over his wet hair, sending water droplets spraying onto the tiles. "Help how I feel when I see you going on dates with William. Because that fucking sucks."
I stare at him. "But you said you can't stand the idea of being close to someone. Anyone. And now here you are going out with Petra."
"I'm not in any danger of getting close to Petra. I just, well, I was fucking lonely and couldn't watch that guy take you out to another expensive place. But then, at dinner, I realized I was being a complete asshole to Petra, essentially using her. I mean, she's great, but she's not..."
"What?"
"You."
I feel my heart leap in my chest, and have to take a deep breath to calm down. "But haven't we been down this road before? You've had plenty of chances with me, Carter."
"You're right. I guess I thought I didn't deserve to be happy, with what happened in my unit. It was just easier to turn off. But then when I saw you on the plane, I felt this little bit of hope again. Like you brought me alive just a tiny bit."
"In the airplane bathroom, you mean?" I can't help but ask sarcastically.
"No. Well, yes, that, too. But it was something in your eyes the first time I saw you sitting in your first class seat. It was life. You've been working so hard to dim it lately, but you have a spark, Alexa."
"No..."
"Yes," he says, grasping my hands. "Promise me you'll never do anything like this again. Please, for me."
"I promise," I whisper.
"Are you going to go to London?" he asks again. I shake my head no. "I know I've pushed you away."
"And I've pushed you away," I acknowledge.
"Would it be fair to say we're both pretty—"
"—Fucked-up?" we say at the same time. "I think it would be fair to say that," I say with a laugh.
"I'm not healed, you know," he says, his forehead creasing with worry. "From what happened over there. I mean my leg is better, but—"
"Carter. Do you think I'm 'healed'? You just found me at the bottom of a pool."
He laughs. "That's true."
"You saved my life tonight didn't you?"
"Maybe, but I think you saved mine. Back on the plane."
"So we're even. Completely fucked-up, but even."
He pauses. "Can I ask you something? What did your father say to you that day? You never told me, and you were doing so well before then. I mean, I assume he said he wouldn't give you the money for tuition..."
"Yeah, he said that, and some other things," I reply quietly. "He said he couldn't 'invest' in me because I'm too fragile and emotional, and that's why I'll always fuck everything up. He said I'm just like my mother."