Tobin snorted. “Hasn’t happened yet.”
Jade pushed him flat on his back and straddled his hips. “Are you sure?”
Even in the dark she saw hope flare in his eyes.
“I’m shy, Tobin. I’m happiest not being the center of attention. But that also means I don’t take chances when I should. I fear making a miscalculation because my only experience in what not to do in a relationship is what I’ve seen on TV or in movies. You know, where the weird girl blurts out, ‘I love you and want to have your babies’ after the first time she has sex with a guy? And then he never calls her back?”
“You’re worried about putting yourself out there with me?”
“Of course.”
“You shouldn’t be, Jade. Holding back isn’t gonna get either of us what we want, and darlin’, I’m not just talkin’ about sex.”
“I know that. I’ve been searching too. I didn’t know for what, either. Like you, I thought if I worked hard enough maybe the answer would magically appear. But instead . . .” Her heart beat faster and she forced her breathing to slow down before she continued. “Look. I haven’t been completely honest with you about something. But it’s not like I was hiding it as much as I just came to terms with it myself. I mean, even when I think about telling you this, I want to add little side notes and editorialize.”
“Just rip that bandage off, sweetheart. Getting it over with is the best way to do it.”
She fiddled with the neck on his T-shirt. “You’ve heard me mention I had the flu a few months ago? And that was the only time I quit working? Well, that’s not true. Calling it ‘the flu’ was a lie I told myself so I wouldn’t have to deal with the fact that I had a mini-breakdown at age twenty-four. It’s a lie I told other people so they wouldn’t judge me.”
“What happened?”
“My roommate’s boyfriend moved in, forcing me to live with my parents. I worked three jobs. I had no time for friends. No time for a relationship. Suddenly everything in my life seemed pointless. I was lonely and exhausted and scared my life would never get any better.” She inhaled. “I’d fought back against those feelings for about a year until I couldn’t fight it any longer. One day I started crying and couldn’t stop. I crawled in bed and had to ride it out. It took a week. Then because I hadn’t eaten and felt nauseous I convinced myself I’d just had the flu. And I let my life go back to exactly the same way it was before.”
He ran his hand up and down her arm in a sweetly soothing manner.
“I know you’ve picked up on the fact I’m high-strung. I’ve suffered from anxiety since my mid-teens. I cope with it by doing something productive until it levels out.”
His eyes turned thoughtful. “Like rearranging cookbooks?”
She smiled and started running her hand through his hair. “Yes. Or practicing my violin. Or going for a run. Or cleaning. It’s not an obsessive-compulsion thing. Just more . . . constant busyness. It’s never gotten to the point where it’s disrupted my life and I need medication. But it is an off-putting trait.”
“What dumb-ass told you that?”
That jarred her. “What?”
“You are who you are. It’s part of what makes you . . . you. You’re smart enough to know that if your anxiety gets out of hand you get help.” Tobin hugged her to his chest. “You really think I’d be judgmental after I told you about Danica committing suicide and none of us having the first fucking clue why she’d do something like that?”
“I didn’t think you’d judge me, Tobin, I was trying to explain.”
He kissed the top of her head. “Sorry. Keep goin’.”
“The first few days here I was on edge. I chalked it up to the change from my constant busyness to having no agenda. But then there was you. Larger than life, suspicious, a little mean, sexy as sin and sometimes so thoughtful I just . . . melted. Little by little I’ve started to loosen up and discover new things about myself that I wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t been forced to slow down. You said you were searching for something and you figured out it’s me. I’m a few steps behind you. I’ve been searching for something and now I know that part of it is this place.”
Tobin was quiet for several long moments. Then he said, “I can work with that.”
Jade tucked her body closer.
Then she shifted her legs along his.
She slipped her arm down across his waist.
The next time she moved, Tobin clamped his hand on her ass and said, “Be still.”