Renner held up his hands. “Whoa. You took that completely wrong, Tobin.”
“Did I? Don’t you think I know what people around here call me? Boy Scout. Do-gooder. Mr. Straight and Narrow. And they’re the ones I consider friends.” He curbed the bitterness in his tone, but not his tongue. “Yeah, maybe I was overly enthusiastic and just plain damn happy to be working when I took this job. Part of the reason I agreed to bein’ a glorified ranch hand was I saw it as a stepping-stone to utilizing my degree in genetics.” He glanced up at Renner. “You told me that creating a better breeding program was your long-term plan.”
“I’m aware of that. Things change.”
“That first year the Split Rock opened . . . chaotic all around, tryin’ to decide exactly what type of place this was gonna be. A working cattle ranch with a rodeo stock contracting company on the side? Or just another dude ranch? I was pretty pumped at the prospect of having a voice in that decision, especially since my dad and my brothers made no bones about the fact my help wasn’t welcome in their ranching operation.
“First year passed. Then the second. I retained hope some of the things we’d discussed would get implemented. In my off hours I hung out with a decent bunch of guys. Men I respected. But even when I was just a few years younger, I kept that reputation as the fresh-faced kid. Ike and Max were the only ones who didn’t treat me like one.” Tobin held up his hand when Renner started to speak. “It is what it is. Fletch and I both knew that summer Tanna lived here that you were spread too thin and your idea for a separate genetics and reproduction facility was more a dream than an actual plan. In addition to my ranching skills bein’ prized over my college degree, I had to watch my buddies pair up. What sucked for me, is that every new woman who entered the small world that is Muddy Gap, Wyoming . . . saw me the same as everyone else. A kid. A friend. No matter what I did, nothing changed that.”
Tobin sighed and rubbed the stubble on this cheek. “It got mighty lonely. Maybe it makes me a pussy for admitting that, but I’d spent enough time by myself, not only working during the day, but now the guys I’d hung out with had wives and girlfriends to go home to. And every fucking night I went home to that shitty trailer and crawled in bed alone. I’d started to feel pretty damn miserable about everything in my life. But again, no one seemed to notice. Except Hugh and Ike, but it wasn’t like we talked about it beyond jokingly calling dibs on every new attractive woman who crossed our radar. When Harlow came back? I knew Hugh’s history with her and that he wanted another shot at her. That’s when I finally realized I would always be that bachelor ‘kid’ if I didn’t make a plan and stick with it to start over someplace else.”
Renner didn’t say anything and Tobin kept his gaze aimed at his hands. This was more truth than he’d ever admitted to his boss. More personal than he’d ever intended to get. But Christ, it fucking stung to be perceived as the kid that he hadn’t been for a long damn time.
After a bit, Renner sighed. “First off, I’m not makin’ this about me when I say I know exactly how you feel. I dealt with that loneliness for years. It sucks. It’s maybe one of the worst feelin’s in the world that you’re not . . . seen as you’d like to be. Then you wonder if you’re just kiddin’ yourself that you’ll ever find that woman who gets you and gives you a place where you belong.
“Look. I’m not big on spilling my guts, either in a work situation or personally, so I appreciate you talkin’ to me about this. I’ll admit, with all that’s happened in my life the past six years I seem to have blinders on when it comes to people outside of Tierney and the kids.”
“You know I didn’t tell you this to make you feel like a shitty boss, right?”
“Maybe I oughta feel like one.” He picked up the pen again. “So much stuff just slipped out of my control, or I thought, ‘I’ll deal with that later,’ and later never came. It was a huge blow, not to my ego or to my pride, to hear Hugh mention he hadn’t hired on with me to be a ranch foreman. I knew that. But I got so wrapped up in what I wanted, I failed to remember in a business, it’s more about what’s best for the collective than what’s best for the individual.”
Tobin smirked. “Sounds like something Tierney would point out.”
Renner smirked back. “I have no problem admitting my wife is a helluva lot smarter than me. I’ve always maintained that I was the one more in tune with people. That we balanced each other out because I have the people skills that she lacks. Even that hasn’t turned out to be true. So that was a long damn answer to my question about what is goin’ on between you and Jade.”