I didn’t like thinking about it, but it was a long ride to the bus station, and I didn’t have anything else to think about. There was a reason Rae didn’t want me being a part of Gigi’s life, and it wasn’t the way we broke up. Even though she was a junkie, she thought she could give our daughter a better life than I could. That was a sad, sobering thought. She didn’t want Gigi to be part of the club—she could’ve hit me up for money at any time, and she never did. She was that much against me being part of the kid’s life. Even when she shot up.
She wasn’t wrong, though. Neither of us deserved to be parents, especially to a kid like Gigi. Jamie said Rae raised her the way she was. I believed that, but not all the way. There was something special about her. She was like an old person in a kid’s body. She was smart, and wise. A great kid. She’d grow up to be a great woman if she had the chance.
I wasn’t sure I could give her that chance. That was the problem.
I didn’t know how to be a good father. It wasn’t enough to do the opposite of what had been done to me. Not being abusive wasn’t all there was to it. There were late nights, and helping with homework, and going to meetings and games and practices and recitals and shit like that. I didn’t even know if she liked to play sports, or if she had any special talents. Her mother probably didn’t know either. Would she ever grow up to be the person she could be with me in her life?
I couldn’t just hand her over, though. Not even to Jamie. I still wondered if she was only getting close to me so she could trick me into letting her have the kid. I didn’t want to believe she could be so cold, but I knew how much she cared about Gigi.
Maybe Jamie would make a better parent than I would.
I hated myself for thinking it. It felt like the coward’s way out, and I wasn’t a coward. If one of the guys in the club was going through something like I was, and they told me they thought about letting somebody else take care of their kid, I would think they were a coward.
I wouldn’t know the whole story, though. I wouldn’t know how it felt to wonder if I had what it took to raise a daughter. I wouldn’t know how it felt to wonder if exposing my kid to my lifestyle would fuck them up for life. I wouldn’t know the feeling of wanting them to have something better. My life was good enough for me. It was all I knew. She was better than that. She deserved more. I wouldn’t be like Hal, Erica’s dad. He was proud when she started hanging out with the club, working in the clubhouse after school. He loved it. She was following in his footsteps the way he followed in his old man’s footsteps. Even when he died, shot to death, she stayed around because she knew he would be proud of her. How fucked up could one family be?
Gigi wouldn’t turn out like her. She would know good people, have good things, get a good education. Jamie was the sort of person who could give her that, with my help.
Was I really thinking about sharing custody with a stranger? The thought made me sick, but I couldn’t stop thinking it over as we got to the bus station. I had to get my mind on business. I couldn’t keep distracting myself. It was all fantasy until I got my hands on Rae.
“Jax, see if there’s a back door you can guard. Slate, I want you at the front door, but hang back a little for now in case she’s not here yet. I don’t want her to see you. Flash, you come in with me.” We parked away from the entrance so Rae wouldn’t see the bikes if she showed up after we did. Jax went around back. I slid in my Bluetooth earpiece and started a conference call on my cell. In a minute, I had all three of my guys on the phone with me.
“Okay, guys. Keep your eyes open.” I looked around the inside of the bus terminal. The first thing I noticed was the way it smelled. Fuel. It was enough to give me a headache.
The next thing was the size of the building. It was fucking huge. Would I find her in such a huge place? When I did, would I catch her if she ran?
I couldn’t let those worries get in the way of what I had to do. I needed to catch her. I needed to know what she got herself into. It was all I could focus on. I had to imagine catching her, having her with me.
“Flash, hang back by the ticket booth, just in case. I’ll wait by the buses. I see the one she’ll be looking for.” The bus to New York sat in the middle of a row of buses. The door was shut, so nobody had boarded yet. I checked the time. Still twenty-five minutes until it left.
“Jax, you in position?” I muttered, looking around.
“Yeah. I’m by the back door.”
“Good. Just keep your eyes open. I’ll let you know if I see her, and if she’s coming your way.” I swept the space with my eyes. There were rows of benches, all clumped together. Some of them had people on them, but a lot were empty. I wished I had thought to put on something else before I left the clubhouse. If she saw the patch on my kutte, she’d run right away.