Grounded (Up in the Air #3)(92)

"Are you okay?" he asked. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Of course my feelings would be his first concern, I thought.

"I'm fine," I told him. "It sucked, but it's not as though James has ever made a secret of his past. If anything, it made me see that what he did with those other women is not the same thing that we do. I'm worried about him, not me. The look in his eyes, Stephan …  I feel like I broke his heart again. I need to find him."

He had no idea where James had gone either, but Stephan did what he did best. We talked for hours, about everything, but mostly about James, and I felt better when we said goodbye.

That good feeling lasted only an hour when there was still no sign of James. It was almost seven p.m. when I got desperate.

I was wearing a small slip of a dress, sans bra. It was an 'around the house in the hottest part of the summer' kind of outfit. I took the time to put on a bra, and found some comfortable shoes that matched the sleeveless, off-white dress. I called Blake as I grabbed my bag. I was at the top of the stairs when she answered.

"I'm going out," I told her before she could say a word.

"I'll meet you at the elevator."

And she was there, quick as a flash.

The rest of the security was waiting in the lobby for us. They hadn't replaced Johnny, and I was fine with that. I figured if this many people couldn't protect me, it was a lost cause, anyway.

No one asked me where we were going until we were all in the large black SUV that had been designated for my use.

"The Cavendish Hotel," I said. It was only a guess on my part, but I could see him going to his office if he was upset.

Security escorted me to the office suites, and I thought I must have been right as I saw that his receptionist was still on duty. She nodded for me to enter his office, as though she'd been instructed just to let me in.

No one followed me as I opened his door tentatively.

James was there, sitting at his desk, staring blankly at his computer, his hand unmoving on his mouse.

I stepped inside and shut the door softly behind me. I walked to him, but he didn't look at me.

Still, I saw something wounded and vulnerable move behind those tarnished eyes of his as I approached.

"James," I said softly.

"I'm sorry," he said brokenly, his voice no more than a whisper. "I only seem to disappoint you. If it makes you feel better, I'm beginning to hate the man I was before I met you."



       
         
       
        

I stroked a hand over his hair. "Of course that doesn't make me feel better. As far as I can tell, you've always been wonderful, even during your slutty days."

"I feel like life was easy before I met you, because it didn't matter," he said in a rough voice, leaning into my hand. "Nothing mattered before I knew you. I was a pretender, playing at life with monopoly money. I didn't feel anything. Nothing ever really changed because I just I didn't care. And now that it does matter-now that everything matters, it's so much harder, because things have weight now, and my life has substance. You can hurt a thing with substance. I've become vulnerable, where nothing could have hurt me before. My mistakes, even my past ones, will have consequences now."

I moved into him, pulling his head into my chest. He nuzzled there, making me sway with the force of his affection. I kissed the top of his head comfortingly. "I understand completely, James. I fought my feelings for you for so long for just that reason. Letting you in meant opening myself up to a pain I thought I was immune to, because I had become frozen to all of it. I was unfair to you, and even to some of my friends. You were right when you told me that I have room in my heart for more than Stephan. You read me so well without me ever having to say the words. It astounds me. Perhaps we were made for each other. You're making me a believer, my love."

He wrapped his arms around me. "I'm sorry you had to see that video, Bianca. I tried so hard to keep it from getting out."

I rubbed my cheek against that silky hair. "You didn't make me watch it. I take responsibility for that. And I learned something important from it. It did hurt to watch you with her, but I think it was worth it, in a way."

He pulled away far enough to give me a genuinely baffled look. "Why?! How?"

I gave him a small smile and some very solid eye contact. "Because I learned that you may have fucked a lot of women, James, but I'm your first lover."

"Yes," he rasped, kissing me like he owned me. I loved that kiss, and yes, that ownership.

"You're so different with me," I told him as he pulled away long enough to pull me on top of him. I straddled him in his chair. "You always were, from the very beginning."