"You worry that the S&M stuff makes you a victim of your childhood, but it doesn't, Bee," Stephan said.
I swallowed and he caught my hand, pulling me close, making me look at his eyes, showing me how serious he was. "But if you run from what you feel for James, if you would rather lose him than open up enough to tell him how you feel, it just may. I get that you have doubts, but I just want you to look at those doubts and tell me if they have anything to do with James, with the person that you know he is, and the way he feels about you."
If it had been anyone else in the world holding me and lecturing me and speaking to me this way, I would have run, or withdrawn, or lashed out, but Stephan saying these things in such a serious tone, knowing that it might make me mad, knowing that I wouldn't like what he was saying, but feeling the need to say it anyway, had a completely different effect on me. With Stephan, I just listened and tried to find the true answer.
"You're right," I told him finally. The way I felt wasn't going away, and not looking at it directly was just another way I'd been a coward. "You're absolutely right about all of it. I do need to tell him. He's been wonderful to me, and I owe him the truth. It's just the next step that scares me … and also, just how short a time I've known him. I feel like real love should take time, or at least, more time than this. I've been trying to make my head rule my actions, when my heart has so obviously taken over, but I feel how I feel, and I know it's not going away."
"Quit over-thinking it. Just tell him how you feel. It doesn't have to be so complicated."
I nodded. "You're right. I've been doing that from the start, and he's only tried to be close to me, to show me how he feels for me. I owe him my own emotional honesty."
He stroked my hair, smiling at me in that way he had, like I was the most wonderful thing in the world-like I was family. I hoped my eyes communicated the same thing, because my heart felt it. "Yes. That's all. I'm done with the lecture. I just thought you needed a little poke in the right direction. I don't want to see you throw away something that makes you so … incandescent with love."
I blushed down to my toes, because he was right, and because I'd done a dismal job of hiding it. James did that to me. He was so wonderful that I just couldn't help it. And didn't something so wonderful deserve a little leap of faith? Did I really need time to reaffirm something that I felt on such a profound level? My heart already knew the answer.
I clutched Stephan's hand. "I love you. I have no idea what I would do without you."
He nodded, smiling, his eyes so soft. "I love you. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you, but I can't hold you back. We don't have to be neighbors to be best friends, just like we didn't have to live together. This move will be no different than that. We're growing up, Bianca, but we will never grow apart. I know you too well, and I know that's part of what is holding you back, so just get that fear out of your head. You're stuck with me forever."
CHAPTER TEN
Mr. Supermodel
It took me an unusually long time to get ready. I tried on a good number of outfits, making Stephan give me his opinion about everything, and changing my mind several times. It was a strange role reversal for us. Something about going to my supermodel boyfriend's photo shoot made me want to look my best, apparently.
I finally settled on a little yellow Betsy Johnson dress. It was a little fussy for me, with a flared skirt, fitted bodice, and a bit of cleavage, but when I put it on I just felt sexy and cute, and I needed an extra boost of confidence for the intimidating shoot. Shiny red heels completed the ensemble, and I secretly loved Jackie's flair for outrageous color pairings.
I spent extra time on my hair, blow-drying and then smoothing it out, and even took my usual sparse makeup routine up a notch, with a dusky pink lip, a deep violet shadow on my lids, and a darker color lining my eyes.
I did a little twirl for Stephan when I was done, and he gave me an approving smile.
"Most beautiful woman in the world," he said, and I knew he meant it, because in his eyes, I really was.
I was actually running early as he walked me out. We said goodbye at the elevator.
Blake was already waiting for me there, looking as severe as ever.
"Be sure to notify security when you want to leave the apartment, Ms. Karlsson," Blake said chidingly.
I had forgotten. I realized that she must have just been waiting at the elevator, trying to anticipate my actions.
"Sorry," I mumbled, feeling like a child whenever I dealt with her, which didn't endear her to me at all. But I saw where I had erred this time. "I'll call next time I'm leaving, so no one has to wait around for no reason."