Grounded (Up in the Air #3)(29)

I had to take a few deep breaths before continuing, still finding it hard to be generous with my emotions, and my words, even though he had been nothing but generous.

"We don't have to face those dark thoughts alone anymore, James. I can't say I've been through what you've been through, but I do understand your self-loathing about a thing you can't control. You admit you've been a slut with your body, but I think you're more well adjusted than I am when it comes to sex. You have a preference, but you can still function without that preference. I have a fetish. I wasn't even interested in a man until I found you, until I found this. That terrifies me too, how broken I am. But I also know I'm lucky, so lucky, to have found someone so perfect for me, so safe, to help give me the things I need without taking my self-respect, and without putting me in danger. You're a gift to someone like me, James. Don't ever forget that."

He pushed my face hard into his damp chest, my chin just skimming the water, but not before I saw the tears in his eyes. "Thank you, Bianca," he said, his voice shaky.

I closed my eyes, my tears sliding slowly down my cheeks and onto his chest.

"Thank you, James," I said, my voice thick.





CHAPTER NINE

Mr. Wonderful





I was waking up slowly, alone in a giant bed, when I heard the door of the bedroom open. I opened my eyes to a grinning Stephan.

He climbed onto the bed beside me, perching his chin on his palm as he looked down at me.

I reached a hand up, stroking his wavy blond hair. "Mornin'," I said, my voice still rough from sleep.

"Morning, Buttercup. Javier is out cold, James has left for work, and we are having breakfast in your new, giant-ass bed. Marion is bringing it up when it's ready."

I smiled. "That's sweet. What a nice way to wake up."

"Don't you want to know what's for breakfast?"

I gave him my little shrug. "I don't really care. The company is so good, the food is kind of secondary."

We shared a look.

"It always was," he said. "Remember when the food used to be nonexistent?"

I laughed and nodded, thinking about what a wonder it was that something that was once such a painful struggle could become just a memory-a memory that gave me nothing but relief that we were past it.

"Remember when we lived in that ditch by that grocery store for a month?"



       
         
       
        

I smiled, again surprised to feel nothing but comforted in the knowledge that that distant time was past. "I do. I remember that we thought we were lucky then, because we didn't starve there, and no one bothered us, and you didn't even have to fight, for a while."

"Are you going to keep your house now that you're living with James?" he asked, his voice just curious, though I couldn't imagine that it was an idle question.

"Of course I am. I'll still be staying there, too."

"Don't keep the house just for me, Bianca. Don't do it just because of our old plans. You won't be homeless again, even if things don't work out with James. You don't need to keep that place to have a sense of security. Life won't be like that again. We can't live our lives always thinking that it will-always bracing for it. And commitment for you won't be what it was for your mother, because James isn't your father. You can't keep comparing them, and you can't keep treating a good thing like a potential disaster. That's no kind of life. "

I listened without comment, taking the lecture in the way he intended it. It was a Stephan pep talk, and I didn't take offense. "I'm working on it, Steph, I really am. I'm facing it and dealing with it, and I'm not running away."

"So things are good with you two? You're still planning to live with him?"

I laughed. "Why? Do you think I changed my mind already?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I was afraid that you got all wrapped up in him, and that, in the light of day, you'd panic about what you'd agreed to and change your mind."

"Well, I haven't, not yet anyway. That's got to be a good sign, right?"

He just nodded, smiling.

Marion arrived with breakfast and we ate blueberry waffles in bed and laughed and caught up on every little detail of each other's lives. We usually didn't need to update each other, since we were so used to being constant companions, but this was nice, too. He told me how crazy he was about Javier, and I told him how crazy James and I were in general. It was a good talk, and I realized that even if I didn't see Stephan every single day, he could still be my rock. I hoped he could draw even a fraction of the comfort from me that I did from him.