I'd known Logan had issues — that self-loathing he carried around like a virus inside him — but I hadn't realized the magnitude of it, the way it fed upon itself. Charlie and Joy were right. Logan hated himself for this. It didn't feel like a choice at all. He'd hurt me more than I'd ever thought possible, but he was a much a victim here as I was.
Maybe it was just a no win scenario. Maybe our relationship had been doomed before it even began. But seeing him like that, so bitter and full of rage, made me think of the way I'd been when he first met me. He fought for me at a time when I wasn't even willing to fight for myself. I didn't know if I had the strength to fight for him now, but maybe I owed it to him to try.
Chapter Twenty Seven
Logan
By the time I returned, night had fallen. The house was dark and silent, and Joy's car was gone. I waited at the edge of the woods for a few minutes, listening, trying to catch a hint as to whether Grace was still there. I didn't want to face her again. I didn't have the energy.
Five minutes passed and there was no sound. I walked toward the porch, stumbling briefly as a tremor shook my muscles. It was the longest I'd gone without a drink in months, and my body was already rebelling. Alcohol is such an insidious fucker. Drink too much and you want to die, but cut it out and you feel just as wretched. Despite the fact that I was barely exerting myself, my heart was racing and my skin burned. I felt like I could sleep for a hundred years, but first I had a conversation that desperately needed blotting out.
I'd done the right thing sending her away. I had. She deserved so much better than an emotional cripple who collapses at the first sign of trouble. For Grace, there was still hope. For me, there was none. If I gave in, I'd only wind up hurting her again.
Staggering into the main room, I felt around for the light switch. The place looked like a bomb had hit it. I felt bad about trashing Charlie's property, but I couldn't muster the willpower to actually do anything about it. I didn't have the willpower for much anymore.
"You're wrong."
I nearly jumped out of my skin. "Fucking hell," I said, turning to find Grace slouched against the wall in the corner behind me. "You scared the shit out of me."
"Looks like I finally got one back on you then," she said, flashing a sick little smile.
"What the hell are you still doing here? Joy's car is gone."
She shrugged. "I sent her home. We're not done talking, and now I've got no way to leave even if I wanted to."
I let out a long sigh. I shouldn't have expected her to just give up. She was as stubborn as me, when she put her mind to it. Crossing over to the sofa I threw myself down opposite her. Mental anguish aside, she looked good. She still seemed a little stiff, and she moved with crutches, but compared to the last time I'd seen her it was a fucking miracle. I still couldn't believe she'd made it through that.
Even after everything that had happened, just being near her again was a temptation. I'd spent months cementing my decision in my head, but with every word from her lips, I felt my resolve waver a little more. I still had an incredible desire to fix her, to do whatever it took to stop her hurting. But this was different. Now I was the source of that pain.
"What am I wrong about?" I asked wearily.
"About there being nothing left for me here. It's the complete opposite. The only thing left for me is here. I think it's been that way since the moment we met."
Such sweet words, Jesus, why did she have to make this harder than it already was? "How can you say that after what I did?"
She shrugged. "Because it's true. It might not make sense, but love never does. I think if it ever did, the magic would be gone." She hesitated. "I forgive you, Logan."
I closed my eyes. It felt like everything inside me was unraveling. How was this even possible? It didn't make any sense. Nobody should have this much compassion, this much understanding.
"Well, maybe I can't forgive myself," I replied.
"Or maybe you're just afraid to. I know what you're doing. I spent a good amount of time trying to push you away, remember? I was terrified and angry and I hated myself, hated the world. I just wanted to be left alone, but you didn't give up. You cared when no one else would, and you refused to let me self-destruct. Well, now the shoe is on the other foot. I had a chance to help Tom when he was hurting, and I didn't get there in time. That is going to haunt me forever. But this time, I'm not too late."
Even now, she refused to let my issues get the better of her. I felt like crying. I betrayed her in the worst possible way, and yet she still wanted to fix me?
"So what are you saying?" I asked. "We should just go back home and make nice and pretend like nothing's changed?"