This time he did stagger to his feet, agony painted on his face. "Something? This meant everything, Grace. Everything!" He spat the words at me, as though it was my fault we'd fallen for one another, like it was some heinous act that I'd made him care.
In spite of his rage, it was exactly what I needed to hear. That fire he had for me still burned in there somewhere. "Then why did you leave?"
He glanced away and cupped his hands over his face. "I freaked out, okay? Is that what you want to hear? I saw you in that bed looking so fucking broken and I just...I couldn't be there. I couldn't watch you die."
"But I didn't die."
"That doesn't matter."
"I don't understand."
He took his time replying. There was pain swimming in his eyes. So much pain. "Everything I've ever loved has been stolen from me. My parents, my friends, Fi. I've experienced enough loss for a hundred lifetimes, and I swore I wouldn't experience any more. Seeing you like that, it made me realize the risk I was taking. Even if you lived, would you still be here a year from now? What about five years? I'm a fucking wreck, Grace. Look at me. I can glue myself back together sometimes, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm in a million pieces. I was going to break down eventually, and when my shit really hit the fan and things got dark, you wouldn't have stayed. One way or another, I was going to lose you. I just accelerated the process."
I couldn't believe he'd doubt me like that. I knew it was more a reflection of his insecurity and self-loathing than it was his real feelings, but still it ripped me open.
My voice trembled as I spoke. "You can't actually think that. I gave you my heart, Logan. You saved me, and there wasn't anything I wouldn't have done to save you in return."
He shook his head helplessly. I didn't know if he really didn't believe me, or if he simply didn't want to. I'd always thought his issues were something we could deal with, something that could be tamed by patience and compassion, but now it was clear that might not be true. How do you beat something that is burned so deep? It was like a parasite, draining the joy from everything good in his life.
"I warned you that I was going to hurt you," he said. It was half plea, half accusation.
"Yeah, I guess you did."
"Why couldn't you have just listened?"
"I did. I just thought it was worth the risk."
"And what do you think now?"
I sucked in a long breath. I didn't know how to answer that. Was anything worth this?
We sat in silence for several minutes, contemplating, thousand-yard stares on our faces. I was glad for that. The conversation had shredded me, but nonetheless, being near him still brought me a modicum of happiness. If this was going to be the last time I ever saw him, I wanted to take whatever I could from the experience.
"It's not like I didn't think about coming back, once I heard you were awake," he said eventually. "I thought about it every second of every day." The lull seemed to have drained him of rage. Now, he just sounded impossibly tired.
"And why didn't you?"
His expression twisted in disgust. "I couldn't face you, not after what I did. I fucking abandoned you, Grace."
"I might have forgiven you."
He scoffed. "Then you'd be an even bigger idiot than me. You deserve so much better than this." He gestured to himself and the bottles on the floor. "You deserve someone who doesn't break down at the first hint of trouble."
"I hate when you say things like that. This whole time you've been worried you're not good enough for me, like I can't make my own decisions."
"Look at me. This isn't the last time this will happen. You know what I am."
"I thought I did. I thought you were the man I loved. The man who loved me."
His nostrils flared and he opened his mouth as if to defend himself, but then he seemed to change his mind.
Instead, he rose to his feet and turned away. "Why did you really come here? Did you want an apology? Did you just want to make me feel like an even bigger asshole?"
I wished I had an answer. "I don't know. I just needed to see you."
"Well, you've done that. I'm not going to throw you out, but I can throw myself out. I can't be here anymore. It's too hard. Please, I'm begging you, just leave. Go and live your life. Go and cook beautiful food and travel and find someone who has the strength to be there when you need them." He stumbled toward the entrance, pausing momentarily at the cusp. "There's nothing left for you here, Grace."
And then the door was closing behind him. He didn't look back.
I sunk down into the sofa, fresh tears streaming from my eyes. The familiarity of that parting line struck something deep inside me. It was eerily similar to the final words of Tom's suicide note. Two men, both willing to destroy themselves because they thought I'd be better off. My emotions were in tatters.