Grace
Charlie visited three days later. I think he'd been avoiding me, but he could hardly refuse when I had Joy ask him directly.
He showed up at the door with a bunch of flowers in hand. A gentleman, even at times like these.
"Oh, you didn't have to do that," I said.
He shrugged. "Didn't seem right to show up empty handed."
"Well, they're beautiful."
He set them down on the table and sat down next to the bed. "So, how you feeling?"
"Like hell," I replied.
He laughed. "I'm not surprised."
"The doctors say I'm lucky to be here at all though, so I'll take it, I guess." I tried to make myself sound grateful, but it was hard. The longer I was awake, the more I wished I wasn't. It would have saved me from feeling like this. The pain of Logan's absence only grew worse with each passing day. I kept expecting to wake up and find him perched there beside my bed, lamenting his mistake. I'd have given anything just to see his face, to hear his voice, but the chair remained empty. It was like everything that had happened between us suddenly meant nothing. The hope he'd instilled in me was revealed as a lie. I hated him for that, and I hated myself more for falling for it. Things didn't get better. There wasn't light at the end of the tunnel. I'd known that, but somehow I'd let him convince me otherwise.
"Yeah, you gave us quite a scare," replied Charlie.
"Some more than others, apparently."
He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He wasn't an idiot, he knew why I'd asked to see him.
"Why hasn't he come?" Despite my best efforts, my voice shook.
Charlie looked away. "Grace, I don't want to get caught in the middle of this."
"Well, I don't want to be trapped in a hospital bed alone with no idea what the hell is going on, but here we are." It came out harsher than I intended, but I couldn't make myself care. Next to me was the only person who might be able to give me some answers. The only real connection to Logan in the whole world. It was so frustrating. I couldn't go to him myself and look him in the eyes and ask him to make me understand. I had to rely on second hand information, pried from the mouths of hesitant friends.
Conflict played across his face. "Logan hasn't said anything to me. He's not exactly a talker at the best of times, and now he's basically shut up shop completely."
"But you know him. Why? Why would he just abandon me?"
He let out a long sigh. "Logan's not like other people. I can't pretend like I know everything that goes on in that man's head — he's a mystery, even to himself — but I know the things he's been through and, like I told you, that shit leaves scars. Deep ones. The kind that can hijack your brain, make you do things you don't want to do."
"I know, I mean, we talked a lot. I just thought..." I didn't know how to finish that sentence. What had I thought? That love would conquer all our problems? That we were destined to be together forever? Everything had felt so idyllic between us, but obviously that was just naivety, the calm before the storm. "I guess it wasn't what I thought it was."
He chewed some invisible object for several seconds. "He does care about you, Grace. A lot. He wouldn't have reacted this way if he didn't."
"Apparently not enough." I spat the words, as if I could cleanse some of the bitterness from my body by hurling it out into the world.
"If anything, it's the opposite. I think he cared too much. I've known the man a long time. I saw him with Fi and with the others, and he never looked at any of them like he looked at you. He was...better, around you. Lighter. It worried me, because I always knew it had the potential to break him, but it was also wonderful to see. He deserved a little happiness."
My heart constricted. I wanted to believe that was true but, even if I did, it only made the pain worse. It meant some problems were just insurmountable.
"How is he now?" I couldn't help it. I wanted to know. Despite what he'd done, I couldn't just stop caring about him.
There was a pause. "Not good. Probably the worst I've ever seen him, to tell you the truth."
I didn't know if that made me happy or sad. Part of me wanted him to be hurting, because it meant our relationship had been real and had meant something. But, even now, I hated the idea of him being in pain.
"Are you sure he won't come?" I asked. "Maybe if you just ask him again..."
Charlie shook his head sadly. It was such a tiny gesture, but it crashed over me like a breaking wave.
"So what do I do?" I felt this incredible sense of dread descending upon me like an avalanche. Until now, there had still been some shred of hope. I didn't even know if I could forgive Logan for what he'd done, but maybe I'd have found a way. Now that didn't matter. He wasn't coming. I was alone.