Good Omens(54)

* * *

There was a time when witchfinders were respected, although it didn't last very long.

Matthew Hopkins, for example, the Witchfinder General, found witches all over the east of England in the middle of the seventeenth century, charging each town and village nine pence a witch for every one he discovered.

That was the trouble. Witchfinders didn't get paid by the hour. Any witchfinder who spent a week examining the local crones and then told the mayor, “Well done, not a pointy hat among the lot of them,” would get fulsome thanks, a bowl of soup and a meaningful goodbye.

So in order to turn a profit Hopkins had to find a remarkable number of witches. This made him more than a little unpopular with the village councils, and he was himself hanged as a witch by an East Anglian village who had sensibly realized that they could cut their overheads by eliminating the middleman.

It is thought by many that Hopkins was the last Witchfinder General.

In this they would, strictly speaking, be correct. Possibly not in the way they imagine, however. The Witchfinder Army marched on, just slightly more quietly.

There is no longer a real Witchfinder General.

Nor is there a Witchfinder Colonel, a Witchfinder Major, a Witchfinder Captain, or even a Witchfinder Lieutenant (the last one was killed falling out of a very tall tree in Caterham, in 1933, while attempting to get a better view of something he believed was a satanic orgy of the most degenerate persuasion, but was, in fact, the Caterham and Whyteleafe Market Traders' Association annual dinner and dance).

There is, however, a Witchfinder Sergeant.

There is also, now, a Witchfinder Private. His name is Newton Pulsifer.

It was the advertisement that got him, in the Gazette, between a fridge for sale and a litter of not.. exactly dalmatians:

JOIN THE PROFESSIONALS. PART TIME ASSIS..

TANT REQUIRED TO COMBAT THE FORCES OF

DARKNESS. UNIFORM, BASIC TRAINING PRO..

VIDED. FIELD PROMOTION CERTAIN. BE A

MAN!

In his lunch hour he phoned the number at the bottom of the ad. A woman answered.

“Hello,” he began, tentatively. “I saw your advert.”

“Which one, love?”

“Er, the one in the paper.”

“Right, love. Well, Madame Tracy Draws Aside the Veil every afternoon except Thursdays. Parties welcome. When would you be wanting to Explore the Mysteries, love?”

Newton hesitated. “The advert says 'Join the Professionals,' ” he said. “It didn't mention Madame Tracy.”

“That'll be Mister Shadwell you'll be wanting, then. Just a sec, I'll see if he's in.”

Later, when he was on nodding terms with Madame Tracy, Newt learned that if he had mentioned the other ad, the one in the magazine, Madame Tracy would have been available for strict discipline and intimate massage every evening except Thursdays. There was yet another ad in a phone box somewhere. When, much later, Newt asked her what this one involved, she said “Thursdays.” Eventually there was the sound of feet in uncarpeted hallways, a deep coughing, and a voice the color of an old raincoat rumbled:

“Aye?”

“I read your advert. 'Join the professionals.' I wanted to know a bit more about it.”

“Aye. There's many as would like to know more about it, an' there's many ...” the voice trailed off impressively, then crashed back to full volume, “... there's many as WOULDN'T.”

“Oh,” squeaked Newton.

“What's your name, lad?”

“Newton. Newton Pulsifer.”

“LUCIFER? What's that you say? Are ye of the Spawn of Darkness, a tempting beguiling creature from the pit, wanton limbs steaming from the fleshpots of Hades, in tortured and lubricious thrall to your stygian and hellish masters?”

“That's Pulsifer,” explained Newton. “With a P. I don't know about the other stuff, but we come from Surrey.”

The voice on the phone sounded vaguely disappointed.

“Oh. Aye. Well, then. Pulsifer. Pulsifer. I've seen that name afore, maybe?”

“I don't know,” said Newton. “My uncle runs a toy shop in Hounslow,” he added, in case this way any help.

“Is that sooo?” said Shadwell.

Mr. Shadwell's accent was unplaceable. It careered around Britain like a milk race. Here a mad Welsh drill sergeant, there a High Kirk elder who'd just seen someone doing something on a Sunday, somewhere between them a dour Daleland shepherd, or bitter Somerset miser. It didn't matter where the accent went; it didn't get any nicer.

“Have ye all your own teeth?”

“Oh yes. Except for fillings.”

“Are ye fit?”

“I suppose so,” Newt stuttered. “I mean, that was why I wanted to join the territorials. Brian Potter in Accounting can bench.. press almost a hundred since he joined. And he paraded in front of the Queen Mother.”