“Why? Because I was nothing? Because I was a pathetic excuse for a human? Because there would never be anyone more important in my life than myself?”
He threw all the words back at her with the same violence she’d once used to fling them at him. And they hit their mark. Shame sizzled through her again and she dropped her gaze.
Please, oh, please, she couldn’t throw up. Even if her stomach was madly tossing around the dinner she’d eaten.
Those words were pretty awful. How had she ever said them that day, no matter how furious or hurt she’d been?
“Tell me. Did you know you were pregnant when you left the island?”
“No. I didn’t find out until shortly after arriving in Japan.”
“And it never occurred to you that I might want to know?” he snarled. “All this time. I had so much guilt for being an asshole. For having a fling with our friend that I can’t even remember.” He shook his head. “But this is so much worse. This is my child.”
The horror and devastation on his face was hard to see, and the guilt rising in her throat threatened to choke her.
“I hated you when I left.” It was a shitty explanation, but it was the only one she had. “My dad kept telling me I couldn’t trust you, and that you wouldn’t have been able to handle being a father.”
“Your dad would tell you anything to turn you against me. He hated me!”
“He was trying to do what was best for me and Emily. You would’ve resented having a child thrust on you.”
“No. Don’t speak for me, Sarah. Don’t be my voice.” He strode forward, the look on his face so savage she stumbled backward against the wall. “Fucking hell, you already made a choice for me that you had to no right to make. I would never have turned my back on my kid. If you knew me at all, you would’ve realized that.”
Yes. She did know that. Now. She hadn’t been in the emotional place to process it at the time. But after Emily was born and life had settled down a bit, it had sunk in.
Family was everything to the McLaughlins. Of course Ian would have wanted to know. And she’d nearly told him at one point.
She trembled at his proximity. Her lashes fluttered closed—which only made it worse as she breathed in the familiar scent of him. He consumed her with his fury.
“I almost called you,” she choked out. “Emily had just turned one, and I had started to regret not telling you. Not giving you the chance to see how amazing our little girl was. I wanted you to at least decide if you wanted to be a part of her life.”
His hand closed over her shoulder and then he trailed his fingers toward her neck.
“You’re killing me. Every word out of your mouth is killing me,” he muttered raggedly, his thumb sweeping over the rapid pulse in her neck. “What stopped you from calling me?”
He wouldn’t hurt her. Still, she knew, even though she could sense the violence barely leashed inside him.
The lump in her throat grew. “My dad. He discovered I was going to contact you, and handed me a printout of a background check on you.”
She opened her eyes and watched realization flicker on his face, and then the dejection.
“Ah. So you knew I had a felony on my record before I told you the other day.”
“Yes. And when I learned…I had to think of Emily, not just myself. Maybe it sounds horrible, but it reaffirmed I’d made the right choice by deciding to raise Emily by myself.”
“But you didn’t raise her by yourself, did you?” He laughed harshly and thrust away from her, as if he couldn’t stand to be near her anymore. “You married some other sucker and told Emily he was her dad.”
Some other sucker. Ouch. The blows kept coming. And you deserve them.
“No. I mean, yes to part of it. I married someone else my dad introduced me to. But I never led Emily to believe he was her dad.”
“Ah. Which would be why she refers to him as Neil. How convenient.”
She blinked away the tears that burned, because she would not cry right now. Though, oh Lord, she was so close to it. He had no idea what she’d been through.
“My life was anything but convenient,” she said quietly, reaching the threshold for his verbal attack. Whether it was deserved or not. “Whether you believe me or not, my life was a personal hell.”
Ian couldn’t hide another laugh of dismay.
Oh that was just grand. Sarah was trying to make herself into a victim. What a surprise. Or not really.
Nothing could surprise him much at this point.
It really didn’t get much worse than discovering you’d been chatting to a ten-year-old child who turned about to be the daughter you’d never known about.