“Hey, it’s me. I hate to do this but my parents just reminded me about a family New Year’s thing that’s supposedly been planned for a while. I had no idea. I’m sorry.”
I ended the call, dropped the phone on the floor and dropped my face in my hands trying to prevent tears from shedding. I immediately stand up and start pacing in my tiny bedroom. Everything is going to be okay. He won’t be mad at me. He’ll forgive me. If I keep telling myself that, will it come true?
I feel like I’m going to throw up. What have I done?
Hours go by and I haven’t heard from Jameson. He must be mad.
We’re supposed to go out to dinner with Bevan and Lily in the city tonight. I could call them. Meh, what’s the point? They probably see it as me just ruining their night so they either won’t answer or they’ll yell at me. I decide to go for a drive to Dawn’s to see if anyone is around that could help me. When I pull in no one is there but across the street at The Dublin Bar I see Bevan’s brother Jack and his girlfriend, Aleyshia. I dart across the street, give them the gist of my night and they offer to drive me into the city to where they know Bevan and Lily are but no guarantees on Jameson. I thank them and take what I can get.
On the drive there Aleyshia makes some calls to Lily to find out exactly what is going on and who is where. They take me to the Marriott Hotel. Fuck! What if he’s not alone? Would he do that? My stomach is in knots and I have no one blame but myself.
Jack parks the car on the side street parking and tells me what room Jameson is in. Both he and Aleyshia come with me because they are going to hang out with Bevan and Lily in their room while I go see Jameson.
I knock on the door. I hope he doesn’t answer.
As the door swings open the look on Jameson’s face reads complete devastation and it breaks my heart. I caused that pained look on his face. He’s dressed up too: slacks and button down shirt. This night was special, and I ruined it. Dammit!
“Can I come in?” I quietly ask.
“Sure.” He replies with a tight, straight face.
“Before you yell at me, dump me or whatever, just let me say what I have to say first please. I’m scared. You scare me. You getting a hotel room tonight scared me. I thought we were going to take things slow. I don’t know. Maybe our perceptions of slow are different and we probably should have talked about that. I think there are a lot of conversations we haven’t had yet that we should discuss, like our past relationships. After that perhaps we’ll have a better understanding of each other. I’d like to go first. It’s not easy so please just give me time if you see me struggling.”
He nods to show he understands. I think he sees the seriousness in my face. He takes my hand and walks me to the bed. We both take a seat at the edge next to each other. I take a deep breath, say a silent prayer that he doesn’t think any less of me, and he still wants to date me.
“I mentioned my neighbors to you before, and how they knew I didn’t get much attention at home so they kind of took me under their wing and brought me camping with them a lot. I made a lot of friends there that I’m still friends with to this day. Also while I was there I met a guy named Robert. He showed interest in me. Having a serious case of low self-esteem I didn’t think much of it at first until he came right out and said it. I was on cloud nine. Robert was very forceful. He forced me to perform oral sex on him. He would hold my head down. If it wasn’t to his satisfaction he would hit me.”
“Hillary! Stop! Stop! Stop! You don’t need to go any further.”
He quickly gets up off the bend. His hands are fisted and his knuckles are turning white. He’s pacing back and forth really quickly. Shit! I made him mad!
“Jameson, I’m sorry. I’m just trying to be honest with you. I didn’t mean to upset you or make you mad. I ….”
“Oh, God! No baby!” He interrupts. Quickly he comes back over to me still seated at the edge of the bed and kneels in front of me. “I’m not mad at you. I’m upset about what happened to you. And you’re right. We should have had this talk. This whole shitty night could have been prevented if my intentions were made clearer. I didn’t expect sex. My one and only intention was to go out with our friends for a nice dinner and lots of drinks and kiss you at midnight. I only got the room so we didn’t have to worry about drinking and driving.”
Who’s the asshole now? Yup. This girl right here. Shine the spotlight right on my face.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”
“You’re here now right? That took a lot of guts to come here and tell me what happened to you.”