Good Enough(13)

“Cool. I’ll tell my dad. He thinks you’re cool shit.”

“Awesome Get some sleep.”

“Yeah, I’m whooped.”

“Good night Jameson.”

I really like this guy.

“Good night Hillary. Sweet dreams.”





“You’re fooling everyone to think you’re a good person.”



June 23, 2001

IT’S SATURDAY, I HAVE THE DAY off from work and no plans. How pitiful am I? What typical twenty-two-year-old person doesn’t have anything to do on a Saturday night in the summer?

I think about my job – the declining hours, my waning interest – and I decide to spend my Saturday filling out job applications. I applied to SS Lighting, to hopefully use my managerial skills in a different industry. We’ll see what happens.

I eat an early dinner and decide to take a drive to see if anyone is hanging out at Dawn’s. When I pull in the parking lot and see it only has one vehicle which means the only one here is just whomever is working inside. I decide to park my car and just listen to the radio and close my eyes. A few minutes later I’m startled by beeping and loud music. I turn my head and see Kayla in her sporty red car. I groan inwardly.

“Hey Hillary. Watcha doin’?”

“Oh, nothing just hanging out. I didn’t feel like staying home.”

“Why aren’t you with Mike?”

I know why she’s asking. She doesn’t know I know, but Lily told me Kayla was bummed about Mike liking me. She likes him. She can have him.

“Um, I don’t know. I’m not sure it’s going to work out. I’m actually going to break it off with him tonight. I’m just trying to get the nerve.” I reply honestly.

“Oh, wow! Really? I just saw him at the gas station on my way here. Does he know you’re here?” She asks.

“No, but I’m guessing once he drives by and sees me he’s going to pull in.”

“Good luck. I’ll be around if you want to hang out after.”

Seriously? Kayla and I have never hung out alone before. She’s either just as bored as I am or she wants to ask permission to go after Mike when I dump him.

As if on cue I see Mike’s red Jeep heading up the road and it slows as he drives towards Dawn’s Coffee Depot. Kayla notices too. She just looks at me, waves and pulls out of the parking lot. My stomach immediately aches. I feel like throwing up.

“Mike….um…”

My throat has swollen shut. Is this what anaphylactic shock feels like? I feel dizzy. I need to get out of my car. Yes! Stand up, fresh air. That will help.

“How was your day? You want a coffee?” he asks.

Is he really going to act like nothing seriously fucking dramatic happened?

“No thanks. I’m good. I can’t really stay. I’m actually glad you stopped here I wanted to talk to you.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah…um…Mike I just don’t think this is working out between us.”

He looks serious. “Oh…”

“I didn’t think you’d be surprised after what happened by the water.”

He’s not looking at me. His hands go to his hips, he blows out a hard breath and starts pacing between our vehicles. My heartbeat is increasing dramatically. I’m getting nervous now. I start to wonder if he’s been drinking today. Will there be a repeat of my birthday? I need to get out of here fast.

“Mike I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”

“Nope! Nope! Nope! You don’t owe me anything!”

Fuck! He’s mad!

“I’m sorry Mike. I need to get going.”

He gets in his Jeep and just sits there staring straight ahead with a pained expression on his face. I caused that. I made that look. It’s my fault. My mom was right. I’m not good enough, for anybody.

I get in my car and leave without saying another word to him.

Twenty minutes later I find myself driving to the Massachusetts River. It’s peaceful there. Something about listening to the water calms me. I don’t know how long I stay there and I don’t worry about the time either. It’s calming me sitting here on the dock and that’s what I want right now. It’s what I need right now. I just wish I had a friend here with me. Why don’t I have more friends?

I decide I do need company, so I head back towards Route 66. I pull in to the store to buy a drink and more cigarettes. When I’m about to get back in my car I hear a car beeping at me and realize its Kayla.

“Hey Hillary. Did you do it?”

Talk about not bothering to beat around the bush. I guess she doesn’t care about being a rebound chick. I try to hide my disdain.

“Hey Kayla. Yeah, I did.”