Giving In(40)

“I don’t want to leave you like this,” he said, fury lacing his voice. “I did this to you. I reminded you of him and I’d goddamn die before ever making you feel that way with me. I can’t stomach the thought.”

She lowered her head miserably to her arms, grief overwhelming her. Jensen had been nothing but kind and gentle with her. So very understanding. And she’d repaid him by making him feel like some abusive asshole. Her father. Oh God, why couldn’t she control her reactions? Why did she have to freak out the minute things got heavy?

“Kylie?”

His voice was tentative and seeking. But she couldn’t look at him. Not knowing how she’d made him feel. She shook her head, the words sad and defeated as they slipped from her lips.

“Please just go, Jensen. That’s what you can do for me. And please, don’t bear the burden for what happened. It isn’t your fault. You were nothing but gentle and patient with me. I’m mortified and just want to be alone right now.”

“That’s the very last thing you need,” he huffed out in frustration.

She looked up to see him run an agitated hand through his cropped hair. He looked utterly indecisive, something she’d normally never associate with him. He was a man who was self-assured, if nothing else.

“Please,” she whispered. “Just go. I’ll be fine. It’s nothing I haven’t dealt with before.”

Her statement only seemed to enrage him more. “There’s no reason for you to deal with this alone. But if I’m making things worse, I’ll go. It’s not what I want, but for you, I’ll do it. But I don’t have to fucking like it or agree with it.”

She managed a shaky smile through watery eyes.

He hesitated, as if deciding whether to touch her or do anything other than say good-bye. Then finally he rose from the couch, defeat burning in his eyes. She hated that she’d done that to him. That she’d taken him down with her in her never-ending mire of despair.

This was a lesson to her. A hard one, but a lesson nonetheless. She wasn’t capable of a normal, healthy relationship with anyone. She was an idiot to have dreamed, even for a moment, that it was possible.





ELEVEN


JENSEN got behind the wheel of his car and pounded the steering wheel in frustration. Goddamn it! It went against every instinct to leave Kylie in the state she was. Only the knowledge that his presence was making it worse, that she was utterly humiliated and he was only adding to her distress, had convinced him to go.

What he wanted to do was barge back in, take her in his arms and hold her the entire night. Even if it meant spending another night handcuffed to her bed.

The idea that he’d brought back even a moment of her past gutted him. That going forward she would associate her abuse at the hands of a monster with him was more than he could stomach.

Seeing her pale and shaken, utterly broken and in despair, had reopened old wounds of his own. Memories long suppressed crowded to the surface making him feel as helpless as he had as a kid, watching his mother being abused, powerless to make it stop and then feeling the brunt of his father’s rage when he tried to intervene.

No, Kylie wasn’t the only one who had demons to fight. But it was evident that she’d never found a way to cope. She, unlike Jensen, was still rooted solidly in the past. It was as alive and vivid in her mind as if it had happened yesterday.

How the hell was he supposed to break through? How could he ever gain her trust? And why was it so important to him that he did?

Kylie was a woman who was all wrong for him and yet so very right at the same time. She was nothing like the other women he’d involved himself with. She was fragile and so very breakable and being around her meant suppressing everything of himself that made him who he was.

Was she worth it?

As soon as the question fluttered through his mind he already knew the answer. Knew he’d already committed himself to the fact that she was very much worth the effort. But for the first time, failure seemed a possibility and he was not accustomed to failing in anything. Not since he was a child.

While he sat in the driveway of Kylie’s home, he picked up his cell phone and scrolled through his contacts for Chessy Morgan’s number. He hit Send and then put the phone to his ear, waiting for her to pick up, praying that she would pick up.

“Chessy?” he said when a female voice answered. “This is Jensen Tucker, Dash’s partner,” he added hastily so she wouldn’t assume it was a telemarketer and hang up.

“Hi, Jensen.”

Her voice was friendly and wary at the same time, as if she was puzzled over him calling her. Hell, he couldn’t blame her. They’d only met once, though Dash had given Jensen Tate’s and Chessy’s numbers in case there were problems while Dash and Joss were away.