"Benny?"
"Yes, Benny. After he humiliated me"-I recall the spanking-"he handed me over to the cops."
"How did he humiliate you?"
"He spanked me in the alleyway. I thought he was going to rape me, but that's not Benny's style."
"Well, thank God for small fucking favors."
"The story isn't over yet." I narrow my eyes at him. I glazed over the details of my sexual assault the day after Baz proposed. It was just so hard to talk about. He understood, and he didn't force me. Which is so Baz. He caught the drift and that was enough. "Benny handed me over to an undercover hanging around on the street. But not before he took my mother's ring as collateral. I had been in front of a judge twice already that year, and the cop was spewing words like grand larceny and jail time. I didn't want to end in up in juvie It was my worst nightmare, so I offered the cop a deal. He was crooked. It was obvious. He agreed in a second flat."
"What kind of deal, exactly?" His suspicion is on the right path.
"I'd give him what he wanted if he gave me what I wanted. I'm not proud of it. And I didn't used to go around whoring myself out, if that's what you're thinking. I was just desperate. So, he drove me to some abandoned dock, and we did it," I rush out, not proud at all. "He didn't even uncuff me, just bent me over the hood of the car." Nausea creeps up my esophagus as I begin to let the memories back in. "Once wasn't enough for him, though." I look at Baz through the corner of one eye. It's hard to face him and share this part. "He wanted more, but I said no. So he took it instead. He was particularly brutal." I clear my throat, keeping the tears at bay. I will not fucking cry. "He . . . sodomized me repeatedly, until I was raw and crying and begging him to stop." I spit out the words like I'm running over hot coals. "He raped me the entire night, and when he was done with me, he took me to jail."
"Stevie." Baz's voice is soft as he steps forward, but I stop him. If he touches me, I won't finish. I'll just fall apart in his arms. He wanted to know everything, so I'm going to tell him. "I don't know how long I was alone in the jail cell. Just sitting there emotionally crumbling. Then he appeared. Benny was the last person I ever expected to see. I didn't want anything to do with him at first. But he pushed, like Benny does. He asked me how much I thought my life was worth. To be honest, I thought he was a nut job. Then he held up my ring and asked 'is your life worth enough to kill for?' I had no other options, so I said yes. He brought me home that day and gave me a new beginning." The next part may be even harder to share, but I'm going to do my best to keep it together. "A few months after Benny took me in, I found out I was pregnant."
"It was his?"
"The cop's," I explain. "I wanted to keep it, but Benny refused. He said he wanted a murderer, not a mother. So, I got an abortion. I think that hurt more than getting raped. I wanted that baby so badly, regardless of how it was conceived." I place both hands on my belly. "No one was taking this one from me."
"What happened to the cop?" I know what Baz is thinking. He wants to hunt him down and kill him. I see the wrath in his eyes.
"You're too late. He was my first kill. It was my sixteenth birthday. Benny and I snuck into his house together, and I put a bullet in his brain. Benny made him look me in the eyes while I did it. Just lying there, in his bed, head resting on his pillow. Immediately afterwards, we boarded a plane and disappeared to an island. That was the first time it happened. Benny seduced me."
It wasn't terrible. It didn't feel wrong. Benny was handsome, strong, powerful, and I wanted to please him. In every way. And he made sure I did. That I knew how. But it was a selfish love. A self-serving love. It was one-sided. And I was too naïve to understand that at the time.
"He made me a killer, Baz. His killer." I step closer and place my hands on his crossed forearms. "And now, I'm your killer."
In reaction to my statement, Baz clutches my face with both hands, an unidentifiable emotion burning in his bright green eyes. "I don't want a killer, Stevie. I just want you. I want a woman. I want the mother of my child. I want my wife. Not the machine my father built."
"You have all those things." My eyes water, tears finally breaking through.
"Do I?" He's pessimistic.
"Of course, you do. Don't let my past come between us," I plead.
"I just don't know, Stevie."
"Baz." I can barely breathe. After everything we've been through, he's going to walk away now? He's going to let Regina win?