I played off the stress the term induced. I didn't want him knowing exactly how uncomfortable the thought of back door booty makes me. Not many things rattle me, but that definitely does.
"If you want to worship in the forbidden temple, you have to prove yourself worthy." It was a total bullshit line. I just wanted to avoid talking about the topic altogether, so I put the groceries away, grabbed the clothes he bought me, and vacated the kitchen.
Baz never made his fandom of anal sex a secret, and he definitely has an interest in getting in me. And, I'm sure if my past was different, there would be no issue. We'd probably have done it already. But my steadfast reluctance has prevented it. Baz tests the waters every now and again, but I always shut him down. It's just a wall I can't scale. It brings back too many horrific memories.
"Is this your subtle way of blindsiding me?"
"Sort of. But this isn't what I meant to grab." He tosses the plastic bottle onto the rug. I arch an inquisitive brow.
He reaches under the couch again and this time produces something entirely different. "Ah, there, that's what I meant to get." He holds his hand open, and in the middle of his palm is a little black box. I stall as I stare at it.
"How did you confuse plastic with velvet?" It's a stupid, knee-jerk response, because I am definitely blindsided now.
"I didn't. The lube was just a segue."
"Segue?" I never take my eyes off the pretty velvet box with a jeweled button on top.
"To hopefully proving myself worthy."
Oh, my God, he took me seriously. "You're giving me jewelry to worm your way into my ass?"
"This isn't just jewelry." Baz scoots closer and takes my wrist. "This is . . ." The sentence lingers between us. "All my fears and all my pain given a purpose. You shot me through the heart the first night I met you. And you have been dragging me around helplessly by the arrow ever since." He places the box in my hand. "I'm your kill, Stevie, and you are my quiet."
I gape at his choice words. My kill. My unintentional, figurative kill.
"You don't have to say anything now. I don't need an answer. I know it's fast, but I want to be worthy. I want you to know that I'm committed to you. To both of you."
My gaze jumps between Baz's sincere green eyes and the intimidating black box. What did I say about not many things scaring me?
My heart is hammering, and every word is echoing in my head like it's as vast as the Grand Canyon. I've just been completely blindsided, and I have no idea what to do.
"Wow. You really go all out for anal." I spew random words because I think I'm in shock.
"I think we both know this is about way more than anal." Baz pouts his lips and unsnaps the button on the box. "But if it leads down that road, I wouldn't be opposed." Of course not. "Besides, you were the one who told me you liked it dirty. What's more dirty than that?" He opens the tabs of the box and reveals the dazzling ring sitting inside. All the air in my lungs disappears as I admire the biggest diamond and the most ornate setting I have ever seen.
"How many marriage proposals include anal sex, do you think?" I ask as my eyes glide over the curved pavé band. The tiny diamonds blazing orange from the reflection of the fire.
"I'm thinking none but mine." Baz laughs as he removes the ring from the box. "But we are definitely one of a kind."
"That's true." I shake as he slides the ring onto my third finger. I know you're supposed to describe engagement rings as beautiful, elegant, or fancy, but this isn't any of those things. It's completely unique and completely bad-ass. The band hugs my finger like a serpent, it's pointed tail reaching all the way to my knuckle. The diamond at the base is a huge, glittery circle. Wow. It's so large I'm pretty sure I could knock someone out with it. And if I didn't know any better, I'd think that was Baz's intention.
I know he said I didn't need to answer now. I know he understands this is all so fast, and we should really take our time. We're still getting to know each other. Still growing accustomed to being in each other's lives. Our current circumstance is rocky. There's no solid ground. Every day is a risk. Another twenty-four hours of the unknown. But being with Baz makes the risk all worth it. I never dreamed about a happily ever after. The bad guy doesn't get those. And I'm most definitely one of the bad guys. But as much as Baz tries to convince me he is too, it's just not true. He's one of the good ones. And if anyone deserves a happy ending, deserves to just simply be happy, it's him. I stare into the eyes that speared my heart with just one look, and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what my answer is. I don't need time. I just need Baz.