I shake my head, lost to my own demons, drowning in the memories that have haunted me for years.
“I see a man that loves and cares for his family.” A tear falls down her cheek, but she’s quick to wipe it away. “A man that did what he had to do to ensure that his loved ones were safe. Do you know how rare that is? Your mom had to have been proud of you for that.”
She pulls away from me, and turns to face the wall. “If my father was like you . . . I’d actually let him in my life. You’re a good man.” She turns back around. “I just wish that you could see that.”
I swallow back the emotions that are rising. My chest hurts and my heart is racing out of control. I just need to get away. This is fucking with me. I can’t handle this.
“I’ve got to go.” I turn and head for the door, but stop. “You’ll stay away if you know what’s good for you. Okay?”
I wait a second, but she doesn’t answer.
“Okay, dammit?” I grip the doorframe. “Say it,” I growl out.
“Get out, Memphis. Just go then!”
I feel her hands on my back as she gives me a shove to get going. “You want me to fucking hate you? Well I can’t, but walking away like a fucking pussy brings you pretty close to getting it.” She shoves me again. “You want me to push you away? Well, you’re free to go, but I refuse to hate you and see the monster that you want me to see.”
I walk away, feeling my heart break as I do. I never expected to find her. I never expected to want anyone, especially the way I want her, but I have to do this. She deserves better, and I’d be even worse by not letting her have it.
I LEFT JACK A LONG message after leaving Lyric’s house about an hour ago. It’s five in the morning, so of course I knew his ass would be sleeping, but I still tried. He’s known my mother and father longer than anyone else has. I just needed to hear it from him what I heard from Lyric.
I pace in front of the gravestone that I promised myself I’d never go visit, feeling my blood boil from all the things I want to say to him. I’m so fucking angry with this man. It’s because of him that I missed so much of Alex’s life and wasn’t there when my mother needed me the most.
I’ve been blaming myself all this time. Six fucking years I have been blaming myself. I kept telling myself that if I hadn’t been in so much trouble prior to that night happening that I probably wouldn’t have gotten six years for defending my brother. I believed that was on me.
After thinking long and hard on Lyric’s words, I realized that it all began with Ethan—my father. If he hadn’t become a sorry ass drunk in the first place then I would’ve never developed the need to fight and let out all my anger. I was content with my guitar. It gave me a certain kind of peace that nothing else could. He ruined that for me. He made me into the monster that I couldn’t control.
“Fuck!”
I stop in front of his grave and finally force myself to look at it. I feel a mixture of pain and rage surge through me.
“You were supposed to be different. You were supposed to take care of your family. What happened to being a man and showing us that if you love someone you stick together and never give up on them? You didn’t do that! Instead, you took it out on us and treated us like shit. You made us scared and powerless.”
I grip my hair and growl out as the tears start rolling down my face. They’re tears of fucking hatred. I hate him for all the shit he made me and my family lose out on.
“I did my best to take care of Alex, to do what mother asked of me, but you had to go and make that impossible. Then, you expected me to sit back and not to fight, to not find ways to take my anger out.” I point at my chest and scream. “Well fuck you! I had anger inside just like you did. Did you think it was easy for me to watch my mother get sicker and weaker each and every fucking day?”
I lean my head back and try my best to catch my breath, but the rage has me unable to calm down.
“Hell no! It was just as hard for Alex and me as it was for you. Where the hell were you when we needed someone to comfort us and tell us that we wouldn’t be alone? Why didn’t you man up and show us that someone would still love us, even with her gone? You should have explained that we would still be a family. You were out there drinking the fucking nights away and then coming back home to push us around.”
I start pacing again. I can’t hold still.
“I did what I had to do to take care of my family when you couldn’t do the damn job. I didn’t just fight to get my anger out. No. I fought to help pay for expenses. I knew mom’s medical expenses weren’t cheap. You were too fucked up to notice, blowing money we didn’t have on booze, but when mom was in the hospital for weeks at a time you left us with no food. No fucking food. I supplied that shit for Alex. I made him dinner and made sure he got to school. I did my best, but it was never good enough for you.”