Standing here now, makes every muscle in my body tense as I imagine the release this place once brought me. The pain that coursed through my body with every blow that I took and the alleviation that I felt with each swing.
Here, I was unstoppable. I didn’t have to stop and think about anything. All I had to do was let the heat pump through my veins and release the beast that was becoming harder and harder to tame. It became something that I couldn’t survive without, and because of that I hurt a lot of people, letting down even more of them.
Grinding my jaw, I growl out in frustration before hopping back on my motorcycle and riding. I ride for a bit, lost in thought before heading toward Blue’s Bar and Grill—the last place I should probably show my face, but I need a little escape before I lose the little bit of control I have left.
When I get to Blue’s—the parking lot is almost full; not that it’s a very big lot, but for it being a Monday night it’s packed as shit. I park my motorcycle in the far back and ignore the outgoing traffic of people as I make my way inside. A few people stop to look at me, but I stay straight ahead and keep moving.
It looks exactly the way it did when I was nineteen: the same shitty round tables that are stained up with white rings, one pool table, lingering cigarette smoke, and two dartboards that barely even work. The music is loud and the lighting is dim, which I don’t mind because I’m not here to be seen or socialize with anyone. That usually leads to me getting in some kind of trouble.
Looking straight ahead of me, I spot an empty stool at the bar and quickly make my way over, taking a seat and waving the bartender over as I reach for my wallet.
“What will it be?” The blonde bartender asks hurriedly from the other side of the bar while slamming down a few beers and grinning at the crowd in front of her.
“A beer and a shot of whiskey,” I call out.
A minute later, a shot of Jack and a Miller Lite gets slammed down in front of me. “Six fifty,” she says in a rush. “And I need your I.D.”
Recognizing the voice, I look up and stare at the side of Ava’s face. It feels like an eternity since I have seen it, and I can’t help but to feel a little bit of happiness seeing that she’s okay. She’s too busy communicating with another customer to notice me, so I pull out a ten and set it next her hand. I have no idea how this is going to go.
“I don’t have an I.D, Ava; not a valid one at least.”
A look of surprise registers on her face as she sucks in a deep breath and her eyes land on mine. “Oh my God.” She throws her hand over her mouth before reaching over the bar to wrap her arm around my neck. She squeezes tightly before speaking. “Memphis! Holy shit!” She pulls away and wipes a tear away from her eye. “You’re back! When did . . . I don’t know what to say. When did you get out?”
I take a deep breath and quickly down the shot of Jack before looking up to meet her familiar hazel eyes. I see the hope in them, but I know that what she is expecting is never going to happen. What we had was in the past and only for fun. There’s no going back now. I’m ready to move on and I was hoping she would be by now as well.
“Ava,” I growl.
“What?” She whispers and starts to move toward me as if baiting me to kiss her, closing the distance between us. It only confirms the look in her eyes is as I thought it was: hope that we will pick up right where we left off.
“I told you to move on when you came to visit me. That hasn’t changed. You and I both know that I’m no good for anyone. Besides, I won’t be sticking around for long.”
She nods her head and forces a small smile, trying to mask her disappointment. “I know. I know.” She wipes at her eyes again and leans over the bar further to touch my face. “I’m sorry. It’s just been so long and I missed you.” I grip her arm and push it away as calmly as I can without making her feel like shit. She shakes her head as if just now waking up. “I have moved on though, Memphis, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t missed you still. Don’t give me shit for that. I can’t help that I care about you.”
I take a swig of my beer while looking her in the eyes. She looks nervous, as if she’s hiding something. She always got that look in her eyes when she was about to tell me something she knew I wouldn’t approve of.
“Fuck, Ava. Come out and say it.”
She looks away for a second while chewing on the inside of her mouth. Someone from across the bar calls her name, but she puts her hand up to silence them.
Swallowing, she looks behind me before mumbling fuck under her breath and gripping the towel draped over her left shoulder.