“I don’t understand. We barely spoke back then.”
“I saw in you the same sadness I felt. You had buried secrets that you didn’t want the world to see, just like I did.” She snuggled closer to him, and he buried his nose in her hair, inhaling the now-familiar scent of her shampoo.
“Tell me, Ellie. I want to move past this. I need to understand. We can’t have anything without trust, and if you have to keep secrets, then we’ll never amount to anything.”
The silence stretched between them, contorting to tension. His muscles tightened. He opened his mouth to ask her again, and she stopped him with a hand on his thigh. She squeezed his leg as she spoke.
“He used to tell her that she was shit. He said she was like her mother, that all women were like their mothers.”
“Who, Ellie? You?”
She shook her head. “Margie. My foster mother. She used to cry at night. He’d yell; then she’d cry. All night long she’d cry, and in the morning she’d have these big red circles under her eyes and her nose would look swollen, but she was cheerful, like she was the happiest woman in the world. Then he’d come into the kitchen and kiss her cheek. How are my girls? he’d say to us. It was like they had an on-off switch that they flicked at night and then again in the morning.”
“And did he say those things to you?” Dex asked.
“He didn’t have to. It’s not hard to figure out how I’d end up with someone hollering that all women were like their mothers every night. But the worst part was her. Can you imagine what a mess she must have been? And she tried so hard not to let on.”
“That must have been awful, but why would that cause you to keep secrets? Why are you afraid to really let me in?”
She ran her finger in circles on his thigh. Doodling without a pen. He felt the difficulty in the simple movement. Just when the silence stretched to the point of discomfort, she said, “I was hoping I wouldn’t have to go this far, which is why I led with the fights.” She blinked up at him. “They fought because of me.”
He pulled her closer.
“He used to come into my room at night.”
Dex held his breath. In the back of his mind, he’d always wondered if there was more to her distrust. He’d kill the bastard.
“I think she knew. He never touched me, but he’d come in and…” Her hand stilled, and Dex covered it with his own. “He’d touch himself when he thought I was asleep.”
Tears sprang to Dex’s eyes. He tightened his grip on her to keep himself from hauling the bastard’s body out of bed and slamming his head into the brick wall. He clenched his eyes shut, not wanting to upset Ellie any more than she already was.
“And then you’d come to me?” His voice cracked.
“After the first few times, I started locking the door, but he’d take it out on her. The yelling went on and on, so I…” She looked away, and he leaned his head against hers, feeling his heart crumble for her. “I just pretended to be asleep.” She sucked in a breath. “And then…then when he left my room…I’d go out the window.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He could have told his father, who surely would have done something. How could that bastard get away with that? Dex clenched his teeth, fighting the urge to curse a blue streak and tear into the fucker’s house. He had to hold it together. If they had a chance in hell, he had to be strong for her. He’d take care of that pig, but first he had to take care of Ellie. Jesus. How could anyone do that to her?
“How could I tell you? I couldn’t admit it to myself. I couldn’t even tell the social worker when she placed me back there.” Tears streaked her cheeks, and he felt her lean away.
Dex pulled her into his lap and held her. “I’m so sorry.” Tears broke free and tumbled down his cheeks. He buried his face in her chest, holding her as their tears fell for the pain she’d held in for so long. “You didn’t deserve that.”
“The thing is...”
He lifted his eyes to hers, unashamed of his emotions.
“When Margie told me I was being sent away, I didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay just to be with you. You were the only person I felt safe with. You didn’t judge me, and you didn’t push me for anything. You just…loved me.” She laid her head on his shoulder, and he rocked her in his arms.
Dex felt like his bones had shattered and the shards lodged beneath his skin. He should have figured it out. He should have asked, pushed, done something. The guilt laced his nerves, and this time when he took Ellie’s face in his hands and looked into her eyes, he understood the shadows he’d always seen floating about like ghosts.
“I’ll never let anyone hurt you again. Including me.” He pressed a loving kiss to her lips.
“Don’t. I know you blame yourself for not helping me, and, Dex, you couldn’t have known. No one did.”
Dex brushed her hair from her shoulder. “Were there other times, with other families?”
She shook her head. “Not that I can remember.”
“Thank God.”
Dex stared at the house, thinking of all the things he was going to come back and do to that old man as soon as he had Ellie somewhere safe.
“He’s gone,” she said, as if she’d read his mind.
“Gone?”
“Yeah. The police came and they found his body. He overdosed.”
Dex would have preferred the guy suffered for a long time for what he’d done, but at least he was out of Ellie’s life and couldn’t hurt anyone else.
“I’m sorry I’m so broken. I don’t want to be difficult, but I only know how to be who I am, and I know I’m strong and I can handle a lot.”
“Oh, baby, you’re not broken. You’re hurt. There’s a big difference, and you’re the strongest woman I know.”
He watched her gather her courage like a cloak, pull her shoulders back, and set her chin. “I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished and excited about what I will accomplish, but things like the text from…Those things throw me right back to here. I’m terrified of being labeled a home wrecker and a victim—”
“Ellie—”
“Not by you, Dex. Anyone else. I just hate that I was involved at all. Some poor woman is hurting because I was naive. And now he’s telling me it’s not over, so here I ran away from him just to land in his backyard. And when I thought about telling you, I thought it was just going to mess up your life.” She sucked in another hitched breath. “That you’d realize that I really am chaos.” She buried her face in his neck and wrapped her arms around him. “I’m scared, Dexy. So scared. I’ve always been scared on some level, but the idea of losing you, that’s my worst fear. I’ve never told anyone any of this, but I’m telling you. That has to mean something.”
“Look at me.” He drew her chin toward him so she had to look into his eyes. “You’ll never lose me.” He waited a beat while the words soaked in. “We’ll deal with that together, but, El, baby, you’re not chaos. And even if you were, I’d love you through it. If we can work on honesty, then we can make it through anything. Come on. You’re shivering.”
He helped her to her feet, and they walked down Carlisle to Marlboro and made their way to Dex’s parents’ house. The lights were off, and he hated to wake them this late. He led her around to the back of the house, intending to get the key his parents kept hidden beneath the pot on the back porch, but when they came around to his childhood bedroom window, he had another idea. He jimmied the window open; then he helped Ellie up and into the bedroom and hoisted himself onto the brick ledge and climbed in behind her.
He helped her take off her boots, then removed his own shoes and laid their jackets on the desk. They climbed into his bed, and Ellie snuggled in to him, bringing back all sorts of memories. She laid her hand on her stomach and let out a long sigh.
“Dexy?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you,” Ellie whispered.
“For what?” He kissed the top of her head.
“For not giving up on me.”
“You never gave up on me,” he said.
“You never asked me for anything.”
“I did. I just didn’t ask out loud. I asked that you would return. And I asked a lot of you tonight. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me the truth.” He felt the tension fall away from her muscles and melt into him.
“I’m sure of you, Dex. I hope one day you’ll be sure of me.”
“I’m sure of you, Ellie. More than sure.” He covered her with the comforter. Dex laid his head back against the headboard, but he couldn’t sleep. He was plagued by the image of Ellie lying in that house pretending to sleep—frightened and disgusted.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
BEING BACK IN his childhood bedroom with Ellie at his side had been exactly the right thing to do. Or at least that’s what Dex hoped. He couldn’t shake the image of Ellie walking down the street alone at night after what she’d gone through, and the feeling of helplessness was so strong that it made his skin prickle. If only he’d known. If only someone had known. He kissed the top of Ellie’s head, silently thanking God that she’d come back to him. She needed him as much as he needed her. He’d always needed her.