“I’ve…I’ve never been in a real position to help anyone,” she admitted.
He loved hearing the hitch in her voice, knowing his touch was getting to her. “You helped me.”
She laughed and playfully pushed at his chest. He caught her hand in his, locking eyes with her. He brought her hand to his lips and kissed each finger, then trailed kisses up her wrist.
“When…Oh God, Dex.” His name was a heated whisper. “When have I ever helped you with anything? You’ve always been there for me, but you’ve never needed anyone.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Ellie. Have you really forgotten all the times you pulled me through?”
She shook her head and pulled her hand from his grasp. “You’ve got it wrong. It was the other way around.”
No way in hell did he have it wrong. When his father said things to him that made him want to crawl under a rock, she was there to lift his spirits up. In high school, when he was lost in development of his first computer game, she sat right by his side at a time when other kids ignored him or left him alone because he seemed aloof or too much of an egghead. She didn’t make him feel weird. In some ways, she was his savior. He knew if he reminded her, she’d shove it under the carpet, like it was no big deal, or maybe over the edge of the balcony altogether. It was a big deal, but Ellie had never been very good at acknowledging her feelings, until earlier, in the alley. Dex wasn’t taking any chances of breaking the moment. He let their silence carry her statement away.
“My new bank card should arrive tomorrow and I have another interview, so hopefully I’ll get a job and be able to start looking for a place to live.”
The thought sent a pain through his gut. “Stay. Even if you get a job, there’s no reason to rush into a year-long lease somewhere.”
Her gaze softened. He could get lost in her eyes. “Dex, I’m not sure I’ll ever be what you want me to be.”
He clenched his jaw. Damn it. Will it always come down to this?
“I don’t know if I have it in me.”
“Damn it, Ellie. Why do you even say those things? You have what it takes to love someone. But maybe you just don’t want to love me.” He looked away, afraid he’d say something else he knew he would regret.
“You know, you’re the only man I’m sure I have ever loved, Dex. But you want a woman who knows how to stay. You want a woman who can deal with issues head-on.”
“Wait. What did you just say?” He locked eyes with her.
She drew her brows together. “That you want a woman who can deal with issues?”
“No. Rewind. Before that.”
Her eyes glazed over again.
“I’m the only man that you’ve ever loved. You said it and I heard it. Did you mean it?” Please tell me you meant it, for Christ’s sake.
“Dex.” Her eyes begged him not to make her answer.
His body tensed. “Tell me, Ellie. Did you mean it?”
Her eyes widened, then narrowed as contemplation washed over her face. She drew in a long breath and inched her mouth into a firm line.
“Jesus, Ellie.” He pushed to his feet. “What the hell is all of this? I know it’s been a long time, but what we had then and what we have now…It sure as hell feels real.”
She looked down.
“I know you love me, Ellie, and you know you do, too. Whatever it was that made you run from Maryland back to New York must have hurt the hell out of you. I get that, okay? You know that if anyone does, I do. But I can’t do this over and over again. When I saw you in that bar, my heart stopped. I wanted to run, Ellie, because of everything you’ve already put me through, but I wanted to be with you more than I wanted to run. And now? Now I’m just fucking confused.”
Ellie rose to her feet. “Don’t you think I’m confused?”
“No, I don’t think you’re confused. I know you’re confused. But unlike you, I want to fix my confusion. I’m standing right here, six inches from you, and I’m all ears.”
She nibbled on her lower lip, and he knew she wasn’t going to say a damned thing.
“Great.” He felt his heart shatter once again, just like it had twice before. He was an idiot. A fucking loser. Ellie Parker was never going to change, and unfortunately, he wasn’t sure he knew how to change his goddamn heart. “I need to clear my head. If I go for a walk, are you gonna take off before I get back?” He swallowed the lump that clung to his throat.
He saw it in her eyes. She was sliding back into that silent place. Goddamn it. “Ellie.” He reached for her. She took a step backward. “Ellie, I’m sorry. Don’t go reticent on me, please. This is so hard. I’m trying. I’m really trying to stay with you, to stay with us, but I don’t know what you expect of me. I hurt, Ellie. Every fucking time that you clamp down on your feelings. Every time you shut me out, it’s like a gunshot to my heart. A man can love a woman for only so long without it being reciprocated. On some level you must know that.” Just as I know it’s a fucking lie. I’ll always love you.
She nodded.
The silent nod. Fuck. He couldn’t walk away from her. It would only push her to take off again. He knew she would, and he wasn’t ready to take that chance. But damn it, he didn’t want to stand there looking at the woman whom he was sure he loved more than anything in the world, which was fucking crazy because she didn’t know how to love him back.
Chapter Fourteen
ELLIE FISTED HER hands. Her gut twisted. She couldn’t let Dex walk out of her life. That was her job. She walked out, not Dex. Dex never left. She watched him turn away and step into the living room.
Get him. Don’t let him go. She was frozen in place by disbelief.
He crossed the floor and headed for the foyer.
No! Don’t!
She couldn’t stop him. She couldn’t promise she wouldn’t leave. She wanted to promise—God, how she wanted to promise. Anything to keep him by her side—but she didn’t know how. How could she make a promise she wasn’t sure she could keep?
The door opened, and she listened as the latch closed and locked behind him. The sound started deep in her belly and grew to a low, agonizing moan. It took a second for her to realize it was coming from her own lungs. “No!” She sprinted out the door and pushed the elevator button again and again. “Come on. Come on.” She pushed it again. “Hurry. Hurry.”
The elevator doors opened, and she flew inside and pushed the button for the lobby. “Hurry up. Come on.” He’d be long gone by the time she reached the ground floor. The elevator doors closed as if they had rheumatoid arthritis, slow and painful. She watched the numbers light up as it descended to the lobby. The doors began to open, and she turned sideways and pushed herself through and flew out the front door of the complex, smacking right into the wall of Dex’s chest.
“Ellie?”
“Don’t go. Dex, please. Don’t go.” She gasped for breath, clinging to his shirt. “Please.”
“I couldn’t. I got out here and had to turn back. I was just coming back in.”
She couldn’t think past her thundering heart. You were coming back. You’re here. “You didn’t leave,” she panted. She ran her hands up and down his chest, making sure of him.
Dex took her hands in his and brought them to his lips. He pressed soft kisses to her fingers, then lowered his mouth to hers. Ellie released all of her fear, and all of her emotion, and let her heart take over. She kissed him like he was the very strength she needed to survive, and in many ways, he was. When he pulled back and looked into her eyes, she knew she’d do whatever it took to learn to stay.
She poked him in the chest. “Don’t do that again.”
He flashed his cockeyed grin. “Are you kidding me? Look at the reward I got for leaving. If I’d known I’d get a kiss like that, I’d have left every time I saw you.”
She poked him again, and he grabbed her finger and pulled her into another delicious kiss. Ellie pressed so close to his body that she thought he must be able to feel the blood flowing through her veins.
In the elevator, words tumbled from her mouth. “You can’t leave. Two people can’t leave. Someone has to be the strong one, and the other person—the one who leaves—has to be able to count on them to…to…goddamn it. To not give up on them.”
He closed and locked the apartment door behind them, and in one swift move, as if he was afraid to delay—afraid she might disappear into thin air—he wrapped his arms around her and took her in another insatiable kiss.
“I…” He kissed her again. “Won’t ever…” He brushed his lips over the line of her jaw. “Leave you.”
Ellie closed her eyes, pushing away the litany of what-ifs that sailed through her mind, and gave into the desires that she’d been suppressing forever. She slid her hands beneath his shirt and ran her fingers along the firm ridges of his muscles, the delicate lines of his chest, and up and over the arc of his shoulder.
He groaned. “God, I’ve wanted this forever.” With his hands on her cheeks, he kissed her again, his tongue loving every crevice of her mouth. He tilted her head just enough to open her mouth a little further and deepen the kiss. He slid his lips to her chin and kissed along her jaw, then nibbled at her earlobe, sending shivers up her spine. He pulled her shirt up and off, exposing her black lace bra.