I’m scared as hell. Don’t give up on me. Please don’t give up on me.
He folded her in his arms and held her tight. His lips met the top of her head. For the first time in her life, Ellie didn’t want to run. She’d given in to the fear that had consumed her and had propelled her forward four years ago. Now, as the fear came rushing in, she fought against it. She had to. Thoughts of Dex had drawn her to New York. She knew that now as clearly as she knew that Dex was worth fighting for—even if the only one she was fighting was herself.
Chapter Thirteen
DEX FELT AS if he’d been put through the washer and spun dry. His body ached with desire for Ellie. Desire he’d repressed for all those years, muddled with the all-too-clear memories of when she’d left and the torturous weeks of trying to pull himself together afterward. He’d sworn he’d never put himself in the same position again, and as he unlocked his apartment door and watched Ellie walk in before him, he knew that no matter what happened four years ago, or what might happen tomorrow, she was the woman for him.
Quite possibly the only woman for him.
He followed her inside and silently took her hand. They went to the balcony, and instead of sitting on a chair, Ellie slid her legs through the iron railing and sat on the cold concrete overlooking the park. Dex sat behind her, one leg on either side of her, and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. He closed his eyes and felt her heartbeat through her back. He knew the chance he was taking, allowing himself to feel for her again. To love her. Hell, he couldn’t help but love her.
“Do you ever wonder what would have happened if I had grown up in a normal house, with a normal family?” she asked.
All the time. He’d never admit that to her. Admitting that would be like saying there was something wrong with her for not having had a normal upbringing. “No. If you had, you probably wouldn’t have spent time with me.”
“Sure I would have. I just wouldn’t have been so…unhinged.” She let out a long sigh and leaned back against him.
He turned her face so he could see her eyes. “You’ve never been unhinged. Just a little lost.” He pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Tell me about Maryland, Ellie. Tell me about why you’re here.”
She took a deep breath, and he felt her weighing her answer. When she didn’t respond, he changed the subject. Anything to keep her in the present. He was so afraid she’d fall back into her need to run. Was he stupid to want her to stay? Would she ever stay? Was she even capable of staying in one place when she wasn’t forced to?
“Tell me about what you want to do as a teacher.”
She pulled her legs from between the railings and sat cross-legged facing him. Her eyes held a spark of hope, and when she spoke, her voice was markedly more animated. “There’s so much I want to do. The interview I went on today was really disheartening. The low-income schools are really just scrambling to keep up. They have no money, they have minimal resources, and the worst part was that today, every time I asked about the kids, the actual children, the answers came in statistics and school-wide goals and percentages.” She looked away and shook her head.
Dex wanted to pull her back against him, to feel her body against him again. He reached for her hand just to remain physically connected to her.
“Do you remember when we were in elementary school, if there was a kid who had trouble, they had a person who came into the classroom to help them, or the teacher would spend a few extra minutes making sure they understood?”
“Sure.” He caressed her arm, from wrist to elbow. He loved listening to her and hearing the excitement in her voice, but he needed to touch her.
“Well, that doesn’t happen anymore. Now there are more kids from low-income families, and they’re often from troubled families. They face the additional challenges of poverty and are sometimes several years behind their peers. Many times one parent has been in trouble with the law and they can’t afford the things they need, so they go without or their older siblings work to help the family, or in many cases, steal and get into other types of trouble.”
She stopped talking and looked at his hand, which was now caressing her other arm. She smiled and took his hand in hers, drawing his eyes to hers, distracting him from touching her.
“Those kids need a different way of learning altogether. Where each child in an upper-income school has a laptop and programs available, the lower-income schools have half as many.”
This was the Ellie Dex knew so well. The take-charge, pull-it-together-and-make-it-work Ellie. If only you could be that way with your personal life, too. Maybe one day, if I love you enough. If you feel safe enough.
“And what’s the solution?” He knew she had a solution. She always had a solution, even if sometimes that solution was running away.
“I don’t know. But I know that I don’t want to work somewhere that the kids aren’t the primary focus. I don’t care about statistics and meeting the school’s goals as much as I care about the individual children finding their path to learning what they need to learn. I know that as a teacher, the other stuff should be vitally important, but it’s their learning that I want to be a part of. At the end of the day, I want to know I’ve done everything I possibly could to help them, not everything I could to ensure the statistics are met. That will come with successful learning, but I don’t think it needs to be the focus.” She fiddled with a seam on her jeans.
He wanted to fiddle with her jeans. He suppressed the urge to run his hands down her thighs.
“I know it’s a little Pollyanna of me, but I’ve done some research and there are government programs that offer grants to develop educational software programs for kids. I can’t help but believe that there would have to be a way to make the resources they do have—even if they only have half as much—work for the entire class. Software that would have elements for teaching grammar, math, and even history in some kind of fashion that would make it fun for kids to use.”
“Like…some kind of MMO where the kids share the platform and instead of games they’re using educational software?” Dex’s mind clicked into high gear.
“I’m not sure what an MMO is, but the idea is shared computers, shared software, somehow…”
“An MMO is a massive multiplayer online game. It enables lots of kids to play the same game at the same time. But you don’t have to go that direction. It’s just a cool idea. Maybe something with its own platform.” His mind was spinning down a developmental path, moving way too far ahead of the idea stage Ellie was playing with.
“Platform?” Ellie shook her head.
“Yeah, a system, like Xbox or PlayStation, only you use it for educational purposes instead of gaming. Anyway, the software runs on the platform. I’m just thinking out loud here, but as you conceptualize the software, it’s something to consider. Kids can share the platforms.” He saw the confusion in Ellie’s eyes. “You know what? I’m getting way ahead of myself. I’m sorry. This is your baby. Let’s just focus on the grant end of things.”
“I know it’s a long shot, but I can’t believe that entire schools of children aren’t being taught all they can be because of limited funding. What does it say about our world if kids are statistics and their futures depend on the resources available to them?”
Dex laughed a little. “But that’s exactly what our world is, El. You know that. And it’s not just that. Hell, I feel like even what I do hinders kids and their learning.”
“How so?”
“I love gaming; you know that. But lately, there’s this strange thing that goes on in my head. I feel like I’m achieving everything I always dreamed of, and I’m making millions of kids…gamers...happy, but I’m also feeding into the sedentary lifestyle that comes with gaming that I really despise. Kids are becoming couch potatoes. Hell, they were couch potatoes when we were young. Remember? I spent hours in front of my computer, too. I don’t know why it bothers me so much, but it’s like now they’re not socializing in person. They don’t even flirt in person anymore. Foreplay is all done on phones and message boards. It’s crazy. We’re all so plugged in these days, which is great, but…I don’t know. I guess I feel like kids are spending all their time playing games instead of experiencing life, and it’s been bugging me, which is kind of stupid, because I don’t do much besides gaming, either.”
“Yeah, but you can’t really change everyone else,” Ellie said.
“I know, and I’m not sure what you’re proposing, but it’s something I’d like to think about. Helping the educational side of kids’ lives as much as the entertainment side seems like a meaningful thing to do.”
“I’m not sure what I’m proposing either. I just know that I want to be part of something that helps solve the problems, not a part of pushing the issues aside in order to meet a statistical need.”
Dex brushed her hair from her shoulder. He grazed his lips over her neck, then kissed her softly. “That’s one of the things I admire most about you. You’ve always wanted to help others.”