Game of Love(14)

“What did you do in Maryland when you needed to escape?” Dex asked.

“What do you mean?”

“When you felt trapped.” He said it like she knew what he meant.

She knew.

All too well.

“I…what we’re doing now. I got out and walked.” She slowed her pace and he followed. “But I walked alone.”

“You think it’ll ever change? Your need to escape?”

She shrugged. She caught a glimpse of his eyes, shadowed with worry.

“Why do you feel trapped with me, Ellie? I’m the one you used to run to.”

And the one I ran from. His voice was so filled with hurt, it slayed her. “It’s not you. It was never you.” Except it was. When she left the first time without saying goodbye, it was because of Dex. She loved him too much to say goodbye. And when she left him four years ago, it was because she’d loved him too much to stay.

They continued walking in silence. Ellie’s cell phone vibrated. She checked her text, and her heart stopped cold when she saw Asshole on the screen. The name she’d given Bruce after they broke up. She’d thought about deleting his number, but she’d wanted a warning if he ever called. She didn’t want to accidentally answer a call from him. She read the text. I miss you.

“Something wrong?”

Everything. She’d ended things with Bruce under no uncertain terms. She’d made it clear to him not to contact her again, and there was no way she’d respond to his stupid text. She turned her phone off and shoved it back in her pocket, then upped her pace.

“Ellie, I know you said you’re not the same girl you were before, but you sure as hell act a lot like her.”

She tried to free her hand from his, but his grip was too tight.

He pulled her into an alley, away from the eyes of strangers, and he looked down at her with the most intense stare she’d ever seen on him. His body wasn’t touching hers, and yet she felt heat radiating from him. He wasn’t pushing into her, but she felt the curves of his body, ached for them. What was wrong with her? She didn’t ache for men. And here she was, staring into Dex’s eyes, which were caught between angry and sad, and all she wanted to do was climb beneath his skin.

He took a step forward. Her back met the brick wall.

“Level with me, El. I can’t be another pit stop. I won’t be another pit stop.” He breathed so hard, his chest expanded before her.

“You were never a pit stop.” Why am I whispering?

“No? What was I? You showed up four years ago, climbed into my bed, and ran away two days later. What do you call that?” He searched her eyes, and she knew he was looking for the truth.

The truth hurt.

The truth sucked.

She lied.

“A mistake,” she said.

He narrowed his eyes. “No. That was anything but a mistake. No fucking way.” His voice grew louder. “No, Ellie.” He stepped away from her and released her hand.

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Dex. I came here four years ago because I missed you.” The truth poured out of her. “You were all I thought about for all those years, so I tracked you down and came to see you. I needed…I needed to be sure of you.” She crossed her arms and looked away. She felt like she was in a bubble that might pop at any moment. Just a few feet away, people passed by without noticing that her life was spiraling out of control and she was barely hanging on.

“You left me.” He narrowed his eyes, and they bored right through her. “I told you I loved you, and you left me.”

He’d let her back into his life without any questions about why she’d left without saying goodbye as a teenager. She could hardly believe it then, and now she felt like a complete heel, and she was petrified that he’d be the one to send her away this time. But she wouldn’t lie to him again. He had to know the truth, no matter how embarrassing.

“I couldn’t stay. I’d have messed up your life and continued to screw up mine. I needed to make something of myself in order to be something for you.” Tears pressed at her eyes, and she closed her lids tight against them. When she opened her eyes, he was still staring at her, waiting. He was always waiting. “You didn’t need me hanging around like a needy child.”

“So you made the decision for me? Like I was unable to determine what was best for myself?” His face was red, his eyes more angry than she’d ever seen before.

“I needed to become a self-sufficient woman, whatever the hell that means. You deserved someone so much better than me.”

“You’ve been self-sufficient since the fifth grade, Ellie.”

His voice was so soft, thick with love, but she didn’t miss the hint of hurt that rang like a constant reminder of what she’d done.

“Is that why you didn’t make love to me that weekend?” he asked.

“You never tried,” she whispered.

“How could I?” He turned away, and when he drew his eyes back to hers, they were filled with honesty. “I wanted you so much it hurt, but you weren’t a sure thing, Ellie. You’re like a…I’m not sure what. Something that’s there one minute and gone the next. I needed to be sure. I thought it would go one of two ways. You’d make a move, letting me know it was safe to love you, or…”

“Or I’d leave.” She wanted to wrap her arms around Dex and tell him she didn’t understand why she ran away and that all she’d ever wanted was him. It had always been him. But she hadn’t even realized it until this visit, and she couldn’t move her arms, and when she opened her mouth again, no words came out.

He closed the gap between them and planted his palms on either side of her head, pressed against the brick wall. He’d caged her. Trapped her. One powerful leg outside of each of hers. He had to know he was making her sweat, kicking up her pulse to panic mode, inciting her flight response in a major way. He had to hear her breathing as if each breath was drawn through a kinked hose.

“I just needed to be sure of you,” she repeated.

“You can always be sure of me, Ellie. Just don’t break me. I can’t go through it again. Twice just about killed me.” He lowered his unshaven cheek and brushed against her face. “Be sure of me.”

He smelled familiar. Safe. Masculine. He smelled of the only love she’d ever known. She reached up and touched his cheek. Her heart swelled. He grazed his lips over hers. Testing. Tasting. Sending heat down her center. Dex leaned his forehead against hers. She stole his breath as he exhaled, craving the taste of him. She wrapped her hand around the back of his neck and pulled his lips to hers. He kissed her gently, a soft, loving, long-awaited kiss that had her falling to pieces, melting bonelessly against him. One strong hand swooped around her waist and pressed her to him, rescuing her from her body’s defeat. He buried his other hand beneath her hair and pressed his body to hers. She clawed at his hips, pulling him closer, taking what she needed, deepening the kiss and stealing the breath from his lungs. His hips gyrated against hers. She met his efforts with her own, her mind a heady mess of want and need—tangled by tentacles of guilt that infiltrated and squeezed the desire, creating pain where there had been pleasure.

He drew back, and they both gasped for air. He searched her eyes, but his feelings were so raw, it was too painful for her. She didn’t want to think. She wanted to feel. She needed to feel him against her, to hide her pain within the emotions she drew from him. Ellie grabbed at him again and pulled his lips to hers. She swept his mouth with her tongue, following the dips and delicious curves of the edges of his lips, which she’d thought about for so long. He drew back again, and she sucked in air once more, needing him to enable her to breathe.

“No,” he said in one long painful knife to her heart.

She opened her mouth to protest and no words came out. She clenched her jaw and covered her face.

Dex took a step back. “I love you, Ellie. I’ve always loved you.”

She dropped her fingers. Love. You love me? No one loves me. “You love…” Her voice trembled. “Saving me.”

He stepped back, narrowing his dark eyes until they appeared almost pitch black. “No.” He shook his head. “You don’t need saving. You’ve never needed saving. You needed to be loved. And now you just need awakening. You need to see that you’re loved, to feel it, and to love back, Ellie.”

She couldn’t stop shaking. From the kiss or from the fear that coursed through her, she couldn’t be sure, but every breath took a bumpy ride as it was pulled from her lungs.

“Why?” She swiped at a lone tear that streamed down her cheek. “Why would you want to be with me, Dex? Why do you love me? I hurt you. I’m bad news.”

He stepped forward again. “You’re not bad news. You’re scared. You need love. You’re fucking frustrating, but, Ellie, you’re the best news I could ever get. But…”

She held her breath.

“But I won’t survive you walking away again. One more time and I’m done. I’m a strong man, Ellie, but I’m not Superman.”

Done? Of course he’d be done. Ellie was surprised he hadn’t cast her aside already. Then again, Dex would never do that. She looked at the pain in his eyes and her certainty faded. Oh God. Maybe I’ve hurt you so badly that one more hurt would really push you to be done with me.