And hurting others to do so.
“You are not unfeeling. And neither am I, dammit. But you scare me, Kadir. You scare me to death.”
That made him pause. “I scare you? I would never hurt you, Emily. I’ve told you this.”
“You wouldn’t do it on purpose. Don’t you understand that I have to remind myself of the last four years so that I can—” Here, her voice choked off and she swallowed hard. “So I can leave you, Kadir. So I can bear to go away and never see you again.”
He wanted to hold on to his anger and pain and shove her away so he could stride outside and brood over his fate. But he couldn’t do it. Instead, he tugged her into his arms and held her close, so close he could feel her heart beating hard and fast. She trembled and he scooped her up and returned her to the bed, dragging the covers from the floor and trying to tuck her under them.
“No, don’t leave me. Not tonight. Please, not tonight.”
There was a hard lump in his throat. “I won’t.” He disrobed and climbed under the covers with her again. She wrapped her body around him and held on tight, as if he would disappear if she let go.
He stroked her soft hair, wound his fingers in it, tried to imprint the texture of it on his skin so he would always remember. She was precious to him, and maybe it was more than just the situation that made her so. But he wasn’t ever going to find out, because he would send her away tomorrow.
It had to be tomorrow. He’d intended to have her stay through the funeral, but now he couldn’t bear to have her near him and not be able to touch her again. Part of him, the selfish part, told him he could have her as often as he wanted right up until the moment he sent her back to Chicago. There was nothing to stop him. They were married, and though he had to divorce her soon, they weren’t divorced yet. He could take her back to the palace, spend his nights with her until it was time for the coronation.
Kadir closed his eyes and a wave of pain and loneliness washed over him. He could do that, yes. But he wouldn’t. Because it would hurt her. Because she’d told him she was scared of him. He wanted to know precisely what that meant, wanted to hear her say that she cared for him, but he knew he couldn’t ask her to explain. There was a veneer over this night that was so thin it hurt, but it was essential for them both if they were going to get on with their separate lives.
Separate lives. Those words were like a dagger plunged into his chest. How would he live without Emily?
He closed his eyes tight against the pain and held her close. He didn’t know the answer to that question. But he knew he had to send her away tomorrow if he was going to keep from hurting her any more than he already had.
* * *
Emily woke before dawn, exhausted. But that didn’t stop her from reaching for Kadir. He came into her eagerly, his body hard and ready. They did not use a condom this time and they both gasped with how perfect it felt to be joined without that barrier. He’d tried to get one, but she’d told him it didn’t matter. She was on the pill.
But even if she hadn’t been, she would have wanted him inside her. If she could take a piece of Kadir with her forever, she would happily do so. When she’d told him that, he’d closed his eyes on a groan and slid inside her.
His voice had been husky. “The idea of you pregnant with my child makes me happy, regardless of destiny or duty or any other damn thing anyone cares to throw at me.”
They made love more gently than the night before, and when he came this time, she felt the hot spurt of his seed inside her. It made her hope, and yet she knew it was a senseless hope.