It takes me a few seconds to find my voice, but I shrilly croak out, "Now? You tell me this now? Today? When-When I have to ruin your life? Jesus fucking Christ, Jem!" I wrap the sheet around my naked body and leap out of bed on the opposite side of the bed from him.
He rises. "I-I-I'm sorry?"
"What? Why the fuck are you apologizing? I-I'm the one acting like a crazy person right now!" I start pacing like one too.
"Okay, I'm not sorry? I-I-I don't know what you want me to say right now. This-This is not how I envisioned you'd react."
"Me neither!" I say, still pacing. "I have no idea why I'm acting like this! None! The man I love just told me he loves me back, and I have a nervous breakdown in front of him! Yeah, not exactly how you picture the moment when fantasizing about it."
"Wait. You-You love me too?" he asks with a dopey smile.
I stop pacing. Holy shit, I did say that, didn't I? I take a second to verify with my brain, heart, and soul that I meant it. Fuck me. I did. I love him. My wide to the point of pain eyes meet his. "I do. I love you. Shit. Fuck. Shit. Oh, my God. Oh, fuck. I'm sorry."
"You're sorry you love me?"
"What? No! Of course not! I'm just…this is a lot. Right now. I'm not used to good things happening to me, and this is a…fucking doozey. I never thought someone as wonderful as you could ever love me, so I'm kind of freaking out right now."
"Sh-Should I leave?"
"No. Yes. Maybe. I-I-I don't want you to, but I-I think I need you to. I kind of don't want you to see me like this. I-I'm kind of worried you'll see sense and fall out of love with me."
"That is never going to happen. Never."
"Let-Let's not, I'd rather not test the theory right now. You need to go away. Sewers, remember? Alibi? Crazy brother? Go. I promise I'll be fine. I will."
"O-Okay." He nods and collects the rest of his clothes from the floor as I slump onto the edge of the bed. He doesn't even put them on, just hustles shirt and shoeless to the door. But at the threshold, he spins back around. "Just-Just for my own edification, if you do out me and I do need to vanish, would you come with me? Leave this city, your life behind? For me?"
Without hesitation, I say, "Hell yes. No question."
That brings a smile to his face and fresh tears to his beautiful eyes. "Then do it. I can take it." His smile grows. "I love you."
My lip begins trembling because I'm about to burst. I wipe away a tear. "I love you too."
"Bye." He walks out of sight.
For a few seconds, I just stare into space, my mind whirling like a cyclone. He loves me. I love him. We're in love. How the fuck did that happen?
Still in a daze, I lie on the bed that still smells of him and curl into the fetal position, closing my eyes. He loves me. He loves me. No bullshit, no lies, no conditions, he loves me. And I love him. This is it. He's it. Why the hell didn't I realize it sooner? Why now? Why today? Because he's right. I have to steer the boat back to Galilee, meet with Veronica, and blow his life to smithereens. Our life.
God, give me strength.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
All In
I hate Jordan Ambrose.
I thought I hated people before. The unknown gunman who killed my father. My drunk, abusive mother. James Ryder. If I pooled together all the hate I had for those three, it still wouldn't come close to how much I despise, abhor, and detest Jordan Ambrose.
He's really going to make me do this. He's really going to let me obliterate the brother he claims to value above everything else. What, he wants more of a show? He wants me to murder his brother with my bare hands? Or maybe I was wrong. Maybe he hasn't been watching us or he saw through everything and is laughing his ass off. This was a stupid plan. Stupid. This all hinged on me getting into the mind of a psychopath, knowing how he'd react to my every move. But I don't know. I thought I did, but I don't. And my damn hubris is going to be the man I love's downfall. The man I love. Jesus Christ, thinking of him like that is gonna take some getting used to.
Fuck, I hate this. I hate him. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
"Miss Joanna, Miss Lilley is here for your appointment," Dobbs says.
A second later, V steps out onto the patio, all smiles. My unwitting accomplice in the character assassination of a Lord. She's right on time. I called her this morning on the drive from the dock before I lost my nerve, told her I had exclusive information about a certain well respected self-professed Lord and his connection to Emperor Cain, but wouldn't say anymore on the phone. I thought for sure that would do it. He'd hear that and immediately make contact. That buried deep, deep, deep down he actually loved his brother and wouldn't let me do this. Nope. I'm playing chicken with a mass murderer, and neither of us is veering. Pedal to the metal, Jo.