Galilee Rising(49)

I can't hold back a moment longer. I fling myself against him, wrapping my arms around his torso in a hug. His limbs envelop me as I finally allow myself to burst into tears right against his pulsing heart. It beats so fast and strong against my cheek. Our limbs melding, his warm body feeding my cold one, his smell of stale sweat mixed with faint cologne, all of it bliss.

We remain like this for one perfect second before I sense him gazing down at me. I pull apart to look up but don't dare meet his eyes. His hands move to my cheeks, cradling my face. His thumbs wipe my still falling tears, and I place my hands over his. "Please tell me I'm not crazy," he whispers desperately. "Please tell me I'm not imagining this. Please tell me you feel this too. Please."

I want to speak, but the words won't come out. Everything becomes real when you say it out loud. Somehow I find the courage to gaze into his eyes, the sadness brimming in them shifts to awe and something else that scares me to fucking death. I leap away. "I-I have to go. I-I can't…I'm sorry. Bye."

Like the fucking coward I am, I sprint off that rooftop as fast as I can, down the stairwell, and out of the hospital before all my resolve fades. I can't take much more of this. I can't keep this up. He just needs to…no. I stop at the edge of the dark river to catch my breath. No more. This needs to end one way or another. I'm done.

I quit.



*



After two AA meetings, where I just sit in the back listening to stories a hell of a lot worse than mine, I have the cab driver take me to the marina. It's raining pretty bad, and the radio warns of thunderstorms, but I could give a shit. I'd go home but in retrospect I don't really have one. That mansion isn't mine. There's nothing in there I earned or even really want. The ghosts in that place are too much for me to handle tonight.

I'm soaked just walking to the The Athena. I grab my raincoat and sneakers from the galley, untie her and sail the fuck out of town. The waves are high and angry tonight, I have little visibility, the wind pelts rain droplets against my cheeks as if shot from a BB gun, but I figure I'm the only person crazy enough to be out tonight. Besides, I love it when it's wild and crazy like this. Me against Mother Nature. I push the throttle down as far as I can, and we leap over the waves before coming crashing down to earth with a teeth rattling thud. I have no idea which way I'm going, but I keep at it. Can't get lost if you don't have a destination.

The storm worsens as I get farther out to sea. Maybe I'll just keep going until I reach some deserted island or Fiji. I was supposed to go there with Harry but we never made it. Twice. Will this time. I'll live in a hut by the shore. Fish for my dinner and grow my own vegetables. I can just vanish. Live a simple life. Start over.

About two miles from port my body is as numb as the rest of me. My fingers ache something fierce from the cold and clutching the wheel for dear life. Chattering teeth and shivers soon follow. Fuck. Fiji's going to have to wait. I have no choice but to drop anchor so I can warm up. Fiji would be no fun with pneumonia. The boat pitches and sways, knocking me against the rope railing as I make my way below deck. I accumulate more bruises through the galley, hallway with the head and shower, into the bedroom. There are clothes in the dresser. Justin's sweats should fit.

As I'm pulling out the pants from the drawer something rustles underneath, it's a folded piece of pink paper. I open it. It's a crayon drawing of three people on a boat: man, woman, and little girl. Underneath Rebecca wrote, "Daddy Justin, Mommy, and Me."

Motherfucker.

I just stare at that damn picture, my mind churning as fiercely as the ocean below. They'd be married now. Sleeping in the bed I now inhabit. Daisy might be at one of her dance recitals as her parents watched proudly from the audience. Justin and Rebecca would be on such a high they'd go home, put the cherub to bed, and decide it was time to start on a sibling for Daisy. I'd be at a crime scene with my old partner Cam then home to my old apartment. Harry and I would have probably broken up by now, stemming from the night of Justin's engagement party when I went off on him for a misunderstanding. We would have found our way to being friends, though. Then, on the weekend, the Pendergasts and I would come together on this boat for a day of fishing, beer and laughs. Rebecca might have invited her friend Jem to the celebration. She'd been trying to get us together for months before we actually met, and that imaginary night he would have finally worked up the courage to kiss me. At least that's how I would have liked it to be. That's the way it should have been.

I crumple the picture, tossing it to the floor. This fucking room. This fucking boat. He's everywhere. Haunting me. I throw the sweats that reek of his aftershave as if they were coated with poison across the room. I can't breathe in here. I have to get out. When I reach the deck, nothing improves. I can practically see him at the wheel winking at me. I make my way to the bow and just stare down at the churning water. The abyss. I want off this boat. I shed all my soaked clothes, even the underwear, drop the ladder, and dive in.