I pass by the air ducts where I had a showdown with a woman I thought I'd known for two decades. She'll be spending the next two in prison, longer if I have anything to say about it. Can't wait for her first parole hearing. She let a monster out of his cage all in the name of love, then stood by as he raped and murdered two innocent women and a child. That bitch will never be free as long as I draw breath.
Finally, I round the corner of the helipad where the worst of it occurred. The concrete on the ground is uneven as if riddled with anthills, the only sign of "the epic battle" as it's called. There are small patches where Alkaline dripped acid and bigger ones the size of fists and torsos where Justice got in a few licks. By the time I was done with Grace, both men's faces resembled raw hamburger and their bodies were caked in blood. The second most gruesome sight I've seen.
The chain link where I dangled thirty floors up is much shinier than the rest. Look to the left or right and it's gray and red from rust, but the replacement is silver. I must not be the only one who spotted this because there are a few bouquets of flowers and cards resting against this spot. There's even a candle extinguished from the rain. I heard the janitor comes up here to remove the makeshift memorial that pops up every day. They keep trying to erase what happened here, but they can't. Not all the way. I pull out some matches and re-light the candle.
It was night last time I was up here. As I held onto that fence for dear life in a fucking cocktail dress, all I could see was darkness below. Before I can stop myself, I walk to the edge and peer down. The Andalucía River is nothing but a dark line as thick as a piece of tape. An abyss if there ever was one. Across the river, the Falls, white water over black onyx, continues its never-ending cycle. It's beautiful. I hope as he fell Justin got to see this majesty of nature one last time.
I close my eyes. Our last moments together occurred right here. Alkaline stood where I am now, grinning down at us with triumph as the fence continued to rip apart one link at a time. Justin, once Adonis revisited, held on with only one hand above me beaten, burned, Broken. He gazed down at me, peace filling his face, sending terror to mine. The moment my eyes met his, I knew. I knew his heart as I knew mine. Always had. I love you. His last words were, "I love you." To me. I didn't have to say them back before he let go. I felt his body fall beside me and did nothing.
His last words were, "I love you."
"Joanna?"
My tear filled eyes fly open, and I spin around. Jem stands a few feet away, concern radiating from his every pore. His hair is a mess, wild and his clothes rumpled. No glasses either. He came in a hurry. Not like him to forget the details. "Joanna, please get away from there. It's dangerous."
I turn back to the abyss. "I was just thinking. About last words."
"Last words?"
"Yeah. I read the most common are, 'Oh, shit' or 'Oh, God.' Justin's were, 'I love you.' He looked me square in the eyes and told me he loved me. He'd said it in passing a few times, the usual, 'You're my friend, I love you,' type of thing, but deep down I never really believed him. If he loved me then he should love me, you know? Like I did him. But at that moment, his last moment, I finally became a believer. Because that's what love is, right? Putting someone before yourself? For twenty years he loved me, and I think I just now realized he loved me a hell of a lot more than I loved him. If I even really did love him. Maybe I'm just not capable of it. Two people were on that fence, and the thought of letting go never even crossed my mind. Not even for a millisecond. But it crossed his. Because he was good, and strong, and capable of the biggest love of all. And he's dead. And I'm here. It should have been me."
"No," Jem says forcefully. All of a sudden he's next to me, grabbing and turning me toward him. "No."
"Anyway you look at it, his life was worth more than mine. I die, a few people are sad for awhile, but they move on. He dies, the whole city implodes." I wipe a tear off my cheek. "Who the hell am I? I'm nothing. A traumatized alcoholic who ruins everything and everyone she comes into contact with."
"That's not true."
"It is. I hurt everyone I care about. Justin, Harry, Lucy. I make everything worse. I mean, why the hell would God let me live when such better people die? Rebecca, Daisy, my dad, Justin. It-It-It doesn't make sense."
"No, it doesn't. That's why it's the eternal question: why him and not me? Why does a murderer go free while an innocent man is convicted? Why does my brother draw breath but Uma doesn't? There is no answer, Joanna. I've searched for it all my life and haven't found a clue. And believe me when I say if you let that question take over your life, it can nearly destroy you. Pursuing that question allows guilt to guide your life, and that is no way to live it." He closes his eyes. "Believe me." He opens his beautiful eyes again, looking square in mine. They're brimming with sadness and hope. "You-You turn around and survey your life, your goals, and you don't recognize them. Or yourself. But you continue looking because the quest is all you have. And you're alone. So alone for so long with only that guilt to drive you that when someone wonderful comes along, so wonderful you actually begin to imagine another life for yourself full of love and joy, it rocks you to your core. You've seen the dawn after a million starless nights, and it's beautiful, but you're afraid it's just an illusion. That it'll be taken from you, or that you never really saw it, and you're alone again once more with that ache. I don't want that for you. Justin wouldn't either. You survived. You're alive. So live."