I pause before asking, "He killed her, didn't he?"
"Yes. Not that I can prove it. Nor can I prove he set the fire that killed our parent's. My brother is far too clever for that. I had investigators try to track him down even to this day, but if he doesn't wish to be found, he won't be." For the first time he gazes at me, mouth set straight. "Now you know."
"I'd tell you the guilt you feel is wrong, that she didn't die because of you, but then I'd be a huge fucking hypocrite. Not to mention a liar. If you hadn't come into her life, she might still be alive. That is just a hard fact. But it still wasn't your fault. I don't blame Justin for what James Ryder did to me anymore than Uma would blame you. And given the choice even now, of never meeting him or having to go through all I did, I'd chose him every fucking time without hesitation. Some people are just worth it." He stares at me and I half smile before looking away. His gaze doesn't leave my face, but I can't bear to see him for fear of breaking my shaky resolve. The silence is unbearable too. "The sun's gone. I guess we should be heading back soon."
"I suppose," he says.
I sigh. "God, I love this boat. Justin and I used to make sure we took her out once a month. Just the two of us. No distractions, no worries."
"I can see why you like it."
"Yeah. The tradition kind of ebbed away when Rebecca came onto the scene, though. You know the moment I knew he was officially gone was the second time he cancelled on me in as many months. The knife twisted when he let it slip he took her out here to propose. Probably in this very spot. I mean, it was bad enough he proposed, but to do it on our boat just cut to my heart. Betrayal on top of betrayal." I scoff. "How little did I know, huh?"
Jem's silent for a second, then, "I'm sure he had his reasons to keep that from you. It wasn't done to hurt you."
"I know the reasons. I do. Hell, I even sort of forgave him. Well, as much as you can forgive twenty years of lies. It still…" I bite my lip to stop the oncoming rant. "Sorry. Just being here, the anniversary in a few days, working with superheroes, and being with you just dredges it all up."
"Why being with me?" he asks, finally looking my way.
I half smile. "I don't know. You remind me of him. You're both dependable, kind, strong, smart, easy to be around. Practically perfect in every way."
"I'm not perfect, Joanna. And neither was he," he says with an undercurrent of anger.
"I know that. Now. Until Ryder, hell, I thought he was God. He could do no wrong. Everyone said I had a blind-spot when it came to him, and it wasn't until that blind-spot almost got me killed that I finally woke the fuck up," I say, almost chuckling. "I mean, he was vain. So vain. He'd spend an hour in front of the mirror getting his hair just so. Everything had to be perfect. If I left my jacket on the couch or God forbid forgot to use a coaster, I got a lecture. He was such a know-it-all too. Always telling me how to dress, to talk, hell even to eat. He meant well but it could be so grating. He was such a control freak. And he could be so fucking inconsiderate! I mean, I get all the cancelled appointments now, but sometimes he'd expect me to just drop what I was doing to meet him at some party or work event so he wouldn't have to be alone after some model cancelled on him. And the fucked up thing is, I always went! I skipped drinks with other cops or dinner with my own family to be his wingman. Then the few times I couldn't, because I was working, he'd be cold the next time I saw him. And there was very little give and take. We always did what he wanted, and I just learned to like it.
"Then, to top it all off, when he met Rebecca, he dropped me. The only times I got to see him, she was there. And then, once again, he expected me to stop my life to go to Daisy's ballet recital or Rebecca's tea and scones party. And once again I went because I thought maybe one day he'd open his eyes and see that I was the one who was always there for him. That I was the only one worthy of his love. I was such a fucking idiot. But…even in spite of all that he was my best friend. And I loved him with my all. But he's gone. I just need to finally and completely lay him to rest. To move on." I look into Jem's solemn eyes. "Is that even possible?"
Those sapphire eyes bore into mine as he says, "God, I hope so."
Despite the increasing cold it's as if my entire body is alight with heat. Only twice before have I felt like this, once with Harry and the other with Justin, but those were flickers compared to this volcano. Every one of my cells is begging me to move toward him, to press my lips to his and just give into whatever this sensation is, but I fight them. It isn't time yet. I just don't know how much longer I can hold out.