"You weren't boring me. Quite the opposite. I was just thinking I should bring some people from A.A. here. A lot of the tenants are the same."
"Which, if I may ask, step are you on?"
"I waffle between ten and eleven. Eleven has a lot of God talk but to me it means what this place does. Accept what's happened and move on. Some days are better than others."
"How do you mean?" Jem asks.
"Well, I just saw my ex-boyfriend sucking face with his new amazing girlfriend. Part of me felt like cringing, but the other is really happy they're together. He deserves happiness. Our breaking up was a hundred percent my fault. I wanted to push him away and did the one thing I knew would do that. He's such a good guy. I mean, when I was in rehab, he actually came to one of the group sessions. He didn't have to do that. He should have wanted me rotting in some gutter, and it made me realize I never believed I was good enough for him. I thought I had to save him from me, but in reality it was to save me from him. I had to end it before it got too deep. He never could really understand me. That I'd always feel less than around him. So I just have to accept that and move on. I still feel like a shitty person for wishing he'd join the priesthood. Or at least wait until I get a boyfriend that trumps his gorgeous D.A. girlfriend. Does that make me a bad person?"
"That makes you human," Jem says. "I observe happy couples and get so… jealous it almost cripples me. Why is it so easy for them but so difficult for me? I am aware how odd I am. I-I-I have difficulty connecting with other people. It's difficult being smarter than everyone else. People don't like it. But what am I lacking that makes me so--"
"Unlovable?" I finish. "You're preaching to the choir. Try being in love with your best friend and asking yourself that very question every time you're around him. 'Why not me?'"
His eyes narrow. "You-You were in love with Justin?"
"Since the moment I laid eyes on him. He didn't know until the end. You know, I only hooked up with Harry because he got engaged to Rebecca." I roll my eyes. "God, was I jealous of her. I used to imagine the million ways I'd frame her for a crime. Coke in her locker, thousands owed in parking tickets. And the fucked up thing was, deep down, I genuinely liked her. She was an amazing Mom and doctor, and she made Justin so happy. She gave him the best months of his life. I wish I could have thanked her for that." A couple passes us going the opposite way, and we nod. We've reached the center and keep walking.
"She liked you too. I believe her exact words were, 'I've never met someone so fierce, so loyal, so determined.' She built you up to such epic proportions when it came time to meet you I was exceedingly nervous. She all but had to thrust me across the room to ask you to dance."
I chuckle. "Let's make a deal. If I shouldn't be embarrassed around you, then you shouldn't be nervous around me. Fair?"
He nods. "Fair."
"Good." We stroll in silence for a few moments, arms brushing against one another. "So," I finally say, "you probably told me this already, but how did you and Rebecca meet? The hospital?"
His mouth tightens. "Um, through my fiancée, Uma. They were best friends in medical school. We lost touch after Uma's death, but when Rebecca finished her internship I helped her get a fellowship at my hospital in Independence. She was…a true friend."
"How long ago did your fiancée die?"
"Almost eight years. We, um, met while she was an assistant in one of my labs. She was brilliant, had an uncanny knack for the work. She used to joke no disease was safe with the two of us on its trail," he says with a beaming smile.
I can't help but smile too. "So who chased who?"
"All her. She was one of my students, so when the thought crossed my mind, or she made an overture, I ignored it."
"Until you couldn't."
"Yes. She had to change labs, but it was worth it. We dated a year before I proposed. She was murdered a little over a month later."
My mouth drops open. "Jesus Christ, I'm so sorry. Hell." We take as few more steps. "What, I mean, did they catch the guy?"
"No."
We keep going, and I glance at him a few times but he stares straight ahead. I can't stand the silence after ten seconds. "When I was twelve, my father was shot to death in his taxi cab. They never caught the guy either. A week later, I tried to kill myself." I gaze down. "I was about to jump off Pendergast Bridge when Justin pulled up and spent an hour in the freezing cold talking me down. He saved my life, but…" I shake my head. "I don't think you ever come back from something like that. Not intact. It changes you, infects you with its…darkness. The world dims a little, and it's like only you can see it. Justin was afflicted too, that's why we got along so well. Two orphans with nothing and no one but each other. My constant."