I was notorious in high school as the guy you didn’t mess with because if you talked shit and acted like you wanted to fight, I’d give you the fight. It was easy to separate the talkers from the doers. And there were always more talkers than doers. I didn’t know Ethan well enough to know if he was one or the other, but it didn’t mean shit to me. I would throw down without a second thought. I wouldn’t hesitate. Because if there was one thing I couldn’t stand, it was people who tried to threaten bigger than they were willing to carry out. The only thing is, I thought Ethan was exactly the type of guy to follow through, not that I cared, like I said, I was willing, but I did care what Cricket would think. Very much.
The remaining drive to Kalispell consisted of Ethan and me seething at one another, Jonah riveted by Bridget, paying attention to nothing else, and the girls chatting, oblivious.
We parked in a gravel lot and my stomach fluttered thinking on Cricket, imagining her in something else other than jeans and chaps.
I turned off the engine and began to get out when Ethan stopped me. “I’ll get Cricket’s side.”
I nodded my answer and I rounded the back of the truck, passing Ethan and trying not to feel too disappointed that I wasn’t able to open her door for her. What are you doing? I asked myself. She’s not yours. She’s not yours! I felt so stupid and, frankly, I was appalled at myself. I’d kept trying to convince myself that I needed to be her friend and only her friend, but I wasn’t acting like it.
I promised myself that there would be no outward or inward thoughts toward Cricket that weren’t entirely friendly and nothing more. Yeah, good luck with that. I awkwardly stationed myself at the back of the bed, my hands stuck in the front pockets of my jeans, bunching my coat around the tops of my hips. The cold seeped through to the bone there, but I didn’t care, whatever distracted me. I briefly pulled my cap down a bit to hide my eyes, then stuck my hands back in my pockets. I stared at the ground and toed the snow outlining my boots. They’d stuck down into six inches’ worth. I kicked the mound around my toes and shook the remaining from my boots. I did this for no other reason than I knew I didn’t want to look at Cricket.
I looked up quickly toward the passenger side and was forced to watch Jonah exit the back, then hold the door and offer his hand to Bridget to help her out. Much as I hated to admit it, I was going to be the fifth freaking wheel in that night’s scenario. Despite what Jonah and Bridget defined their “friendship” as, I knew what was blossoming and felt powerless to stop it. I just wanted to guard my sister from pain. Pain I knew was coming. Pain that would make an already burdensome life more difficult, but sometimes you have to let live.
I stared hard at the ground when everyone gathered around me, then followed them, my eyes trained on their tracks.
How you gonna pull this off, dude, huh? I asked myself as I stumbled toward the front of the pub. Eventually, you’re going to have to look at her. I decided it was best if I saw her in a controlled situation, one where, say, if I fell from my damn stool, no one else, particularly Ethan, would notice.
As soon as we got through the doors, I ripped off my jacket but left my cap on to shield me. “I’ll be at the bar,” I told everyone and left their questioning glances behind before anyone could object.
I was finally able to look up and sat at the back corner of the bar top, steadying my hands on the flat of the surface and trying hard to settle my breathing.
“What can I get ya?” the hot bartender asked. I say “hot” like that was unexpected, but aren’t they all hot?
I smiled. “I’ll take a Coke,” I told her.
“Careful, it’ll go straight to your head,” she teased, making me laugh.
I dangled my keys in front of me. “Driving.”
“Good boy,” she said, winking.
She poured me my soft drink and slid it over playfully before making her way to the other end of the bar to help someone else.
I took a small sip, wishing to everything it would’ve been something stronger. I drummed my fingers on the bar, mentally preparing myself. I took three deep breaths and decided I’d waited long enough. I picked up my head and deliberately scanned the bar. Surprisingly, something with an amazing beat rang through the air causing my blood pressure to rise in anticipation. I placed my palm over my rapidly beating heart. You’re just looking, I told myself. Just. Look. I took another deep breath and kept searching.
I spotted Bridge being goofy, looked like “the lawnmower,” I think, and Jonah laughing his ass off at her. I spotted Ethan sulking in the corner, nursing a beer. My heart sped to an uncomfortable pace as I searched but couldn’t find her. I half stood half sat and peered over the heads of the crowd but still no sign.