Full Throttle(34)

“No, but this season is important.”

“Every season is important.”

“We’re losing our crew chief over this!”

“This little thing. This unimportant thing. Funny, I thought our relationship meant more than that. I thought it was worth fighting for.”

Was it? She wanted Kane, but she always felt as if he was just beyond her fingertips. “Are you sure you really want to be with me? Or did you just enjoy standing up to your father?”

“My father has nothing to do with us, beyond the fact that he’s trying to stand between us and get his way. As usual.”

“And you enjoy defying him.”

“I’m just tired of him telling me what to do. He expects me to be someone I’m not, to be a PR darling, to pretend I’m not angry when I am, to be sorry I’m not the man he wants me to be.”

And she wasn’t the woman he wanted for his son. Whether Kane acknowledged it to her or himself that made a difference. There was a level of rebellion in his pursuit of her.

Besides, there was a vital element missing in their relationship.

“Do you love me, Kane?”

“I—” He turned away. “I’m not sure. I care about you. I want to be with you, and how do you know, really know about love?”

She knew, and at least now she also knew she was doing the right thing. She couldn’t let him break her heart again. By her making the decision to end it, she could blame herself later instead of him. She could move on.

“We have a team meeting tomorrow at ten,” she said as she moved past him.

“That’s it? Business as usual?”

At the door she turned, forcing her face into a calm expression that was completely at odds with her emotions. “That’s what racers do.” And now what else did she have?

“I can’t believe you’re doing this,” he said, stalking toward her. “You’re giving up.”

“I can’t ask the team to sacrifice for me.”

“Or me.”

“For you, yes. For us, no. This is for the best, Kane. You know it is.”

He grabbed her hand. “Lexie—”

She squeezed his hand, then stepped back. She couldn’t touch him anymore and had to find some distance, or she wouldn’t be able to function around him. “I’ll always be here for you. But I just can’t—” Her voice cracked. “I have to go.”

He snagged her hand again and pulled her against him. She braced her palms on his chest, then jerked them back just as quickly. She couldn’t stand this close to him, breathe his familiar scent, feel the heat of his body, and still do what she had to.

Being noble sucked big-time.

“Do you love me?”

She stopped breathing. She literally had to order her body to produce air.

Had she thought this was going to be easy? Had she believed Kane, competitive, fierce Kane was going to just nod and let her go?

Oddly, some small, desperate part of her was flattered. Which only made her decision more difficult to follow through on.

She did, though she chickened out on the actual words. She’d said them before, and they hadn’t made any difference.

“I always have, and I always will.”



KANE’S ARMS SLAPPED the surface of the water as he plowed his way across the pool.

He swam so he couldn’t think, and prayed he wouldn’t feel. He wasn’t interested in reliving anything that had happened that day.

The memories intruded anyway.

You only started racing to defy me.

In the beginning, the secret of his racing had been an enticing draw. But eventually the rush of competition had overwhelmed that. Plus, he was good.

The quick reflexes he’d inherited from his father had served him well. And though his size had been a detriment on the football field, it had benefited his fit in a stock car. Disadvantages had become advantages.

I’m your father. I’m supposed to guide you.

Grudgingly he acknowledged he’d done that—in every other area besides sports. He’d taught him honor, loyalty, compassion and graciousness. And he’d shown him how to love a woman. How to treat a wife. A husband’s devotion to his wife wasn’t something every child got to see firsthand.

Maybe Kane hadn’t always been understanding about the pressure his father was under, how hard it was to explain that his son hadn’t wanted to follow in his footsteps.

A healthy dose of teenage ego and attitude certainly hadn’t helped.

Regardless of his dad’s good qualities, though, Kane needed to be free to live his own life. Part of him was relieved he’d unloaded his anger and frustration. He’d kept those feelings of never measuring up inside for too long. His delivery had been lousy and disrespectful, but he was still glad he’d said what he had.

Maybe the respect he longed for wouldn’t be found in silence but in protest.

He dove underwater—deep, so his chest skimmed the bottom of the pool as he swam the length. His lungs burning, he surfaced at the shallow end, where the rock wall and fountain spurted recycled water. The gurgling noise was supposed to be relaxing. The designer had gone on and on about a Zen experience.

At the moment, the Zen was too quiet—probably the point. He needed noise, something to block out his conscience.

Are you sure you really want me? Or did you just enjoy standing up to your father for once?

Lexie’s voice replayed in his head as he hoisted his body out of the pool. The cool fall air sent chill bumps racing across his skin. A welcome distraction.

Of course he wanted her, but he was furious and frustrated with her. He was furious and frustrated with himself.

Was he not enough for her? Was she choosing the team over him?

His ego and his anger assured him the answer to those questions was yes. He wanted her to devote herself to him, for him to be the center of her world and her attention.

On some rational level he realized she was in an impossible situation. The team her father had so painstakingly built was in jeopardy. She was being pulled in opposing directions. She wanted what was best for his career, but felt he couldn’t be the best or have success when they were together. In his opinion, Harry and his father were exerting emotional blackmail. He wasn’t going to fail or wash out of The Chase just because he and Lexie were together.

But once he set aside his ego, he knew he also had to examine his own actions. Had he devoted himself to her? Was she the center of his world?

He remembered thinking a few weeks ago that though he couldn’t have his father’s respect, he had Lexie’s. Like he’d won her as a prize in a contest. Like one canceled the other. He couldn’t confuse the two issues any longer. He wanted a better relationship with his father, but that was separate from his feelings for Lexie.

What were his feelings? How did he expect her to risk everything for him when he couldn’t even say what he wanted? Or felt?

Somehow, even though he was a guy, he was pretty sure “I’m not sure whether you’re the love of my life or not” weren’t the words she was longing to hear.

Until he could figure out what he wanted, he had to suffer in silence.

His frustration over her choices wouldn’t end, though. While his instinct was to stand his ground and prove them wrong, she chose to retreat. Why couldn’t she see they didn’t have to trade them for racing?

He wanted the NASCAR NEXTEL Cup Championship. He wanted it almost more than he wanted to draw his next breath. Endless breaks and sacrifices had gotten him to this point.

But he wanted more than racing. He wanted more than casual dates. He wanted a wife and a family. For so many years he’d thought those events were way off in a distant future, but now he was facing them.

Was the idea that he was even considering wife and Lexie in the same breath proof enough? Or was she just someone familiar to fall back on? Was he just angry she’d dumped him—again—or was the pain in his chest something much deeper?

He couldn’t seem to sort through it all.

“Kane!”

He winced at Cheryl’s shout.

And I’m definitely not in the mood to deal with her.

“How did you get in here?” he demanded as she stalked toward him in a turquoise minidress and mile-high sandals.

She held up a key. “James.”

And his buddy was going to catch major hell for sending the Powder Puff Mafia after him.

He snatched a towel off a lounge chair and wrapped it around his waist. “I’m not interested in company.”

She cocked her hip. “No kidding?”

The woman was way too smart-alecky, and he had to admit he had a slight case of nerves at seeing her. Cheryl had a way of making people do things they never intended to do but did anyway because she just made them happen. He’d actually thought men were the only victims of this phenomenon until Lexie had told him about the ambush makeover Cheryl had pulled on her recently.

Truthfully, everybody at Hollister Racing was intimidated by their buxom office manager. He and James had flirted with her mildly when they’d first joined the team, only to have Cheryl inform them in brisk terms that she didn’t date people she worked with. And besides, race car drivers—and their buddies—weren’t anywhere on her list of turn-ons.

“I’m really busy,” he said, scowling at her.

“Swimming.”

“I’m an athlete. I need to exercise.”