I decided I would ring Mum as she had texted me numerous times since heading back to Shepparton. I knew she was worried about me—she was a mum, of course she was worried—so I figured I’d better ease her mind with a phone call.
“Hi, Mum.”
“How are you coping?” she asked, without delay.
I sipped the cup of tea Bryce had made me prior to ringing her. “I’m doing okay, Mum. More so if I don’t think about it. I know that’s not a healthy approach, but it’s working for me at the moment, so I’m sticking with it.”
“As long as you don’t bury what needs repair, Alexis. Life’s problems cannot be resolved if they are buried. We bury what is finished, obsolete. We bury what we cannot restore. Grief can be overcome. It can be addressed and alleviated. Remember that.”
“I’m not burying anything, Mum. Bryce and I have talked, and I know I have you, Jen and my friends if I need you. I just don’t right now. I’m coping; life goes on. What has happened cannot be reversed. Moving forward is my only option.”
“Okay, Sweetheart. How is Bryce coping?”
Mum knew when to let things go.
“Clearly he is devastated.” I paused for the smallest of seconds. “I have decided to try again, Mum, but I haven’t told him yet. I’ll tell him when the time is right.”
“Are you sure, Alexis?” She sounded neither enthusiastic nor apprehensive.
“I want to give him a child, Mum. He deserves a child of his own.” I sipped my tea, which was now lukewarm.
“Answer me honestly. Are you trying to give Bryce another baby because you feel guilty and responsible for losing the one you had?”
I replied in a calm voice. “No, Mum, I am not doing this out of guilt. I’m doing it because I want to. I want another baby. I want Bryce’s baby.” I took in a breath and let it out slowly. “Being pregnant again felt so good, so right. At first I was hesitant about having another child, but I grew to love the idea. Knowing that I was going to hold another baby that I created filled me with so much joy and happiness. I desperately want that back, so I am going to get it back. Why? Because I can and because I want to.”
I heard her sigh down the phone, but it wasn’t a bad sigh. I think it was a content sigh.
“Very well, Darling. I just want you to be happy.”
“Don’t worry, Mum. I will be, eventually.”
I hung up from Mum after having a quick word to the kids. Apparently Nate had helped Dad deliver a calf.
Dad was overly proud.
Nate said he never wanted to do it again.
And Charlie cemented the fact that she definitely did not want to be a veterinarian anymore.
I smiled at the thought of my kids witnessing and participating in a Blaxlo farming right-of-passage, then dialled Carls’ number.
“What up, Duffy?” she answered, with a playful carefree tone.
I dropped my head. Strangely enough I did not feel sad at her pregnant stab. This was Carls, after all, and she was renowned for putting her foot in it.
“Not up the duff anymore, Hun. I lost the baby,” I said sadly, but not sadly enough to make her feel bad. I didn’t want to make her feel bad. Carls was Carls and I loved her just the way she was.
There was silence on the other end then I swear I heard her sob.
“Carls? You there?”
“Uh huh,” she said.
“You alright?” I asked.
She scoffed then sniffed her nose. “I just shamefully make a joke about you being pregnant when you’re no longer pregnant, and you ask me if I’m alright? What’s fucking wrong with this picture?” She sounded angry with herself.
“Carls, how were you to know?”
“It’s doesn’t matter,” she sulked. “I’m a bitch, a horrible best friend.”
“You are not...well...you are a bitch, but you are definitely not a horrible best friend.”
“Yeah, well...I disagree. So what happened, Lex? Do you want to talk about it?”
“Sure. There’s not too much to say really. I fell down the stairs, broke my ankle and miscarried,” I explained, weakly.
“Geezus, fuck! When did this happen?”
“Monday, just past. I was in hospital pretty much all last week.”
“Right. I’m coming over there.”
“No. I actually just want to be with Bryce, Carls. But thank you.”
“Oh, poor Bryce. He was really looking forward to being a dad. How is he?”
“He’s coping. Anyway, Hun, as you can imagine, I need to call a few people, and next on my list is Tash. I will need a moment to prepare myself, so I better get going.”
Carls laughed, mildly. “I understand. Okay, if you need me for anything, please call. I love you, you know.”