Fulfillment(59)

I tilted my head and looked into his eyes. I could see he meant no pressure, but at the same time, I could see that he desperately hoped I would want to try again. Do I want to try again? Oh, God. I don’t know. I don’t know if I can.

“We don’t have to discuss this now. I just wanted you to know that, okay?”

I couldn’t give him an answer, not yet anyway. I nodded and cuddled into him again.

He positioned me against the wall, where I held onto the arm supports. “Okay, my love, let’s get you clean.”

I think I fell in love with him all over again as I watched him wash me slowly, kissing me and telling me how much he loved me and could not live without me. I knew then that I would eventually try again. For him, I would do anything.





CHAPTER SIXTEEN

On the fifth and final day in hospital, Bryce wheeled me down to the Garden of Angels in a wheelchair so that we could scatter our baby’s ashes. The garden was beautiful, with an array of different coloured flowers and little handmade wooden signs with words of prayers and love. It really was a magical place that was both sombre and heart-warming at the same time.

The weather was mild with a very calm breeze, perfect for what Bryce and I were about to do. We knew we had to do it, but allowing our baby to become an angel in this little garden kind of made the whole miscarriage final, and that was incredibly difficult to accept. I knew I had to accept it though, so I took in a deep breath while trying to still my hands which were shaking uncontrollably as they gripped and tipped the small urn. As I tipped, the breeze picked up slightly, carrying the ashes across the garden. I matched the whisper of the breeze with a whisper of my own. “You will be forever in our hearts, little angel. You will always be remembered, cherished, treasured and missed. We love you.”

Tears fell down my cheeks as Bryce and I watched our precious baby’s ashes magically flow through the air, once again becoming a part of life—a part of nature. It was terribly hard to do, but at the same time it gave me a sense of calm, knowing that so many other little spirits were surrounding us, helping us, and welcoming our precious one into their midst.

***

After saying goodbye to Baby Clark, I was handed a small envelope by a nurse. She explained that when I was ready—and only if I wanted to open it—that it contained a picture of my baby and the details of his or her gender. I didn’t know what to do with it, so I handed it to Bryce then was discharged and allowed to go home.





We pulled into the basement carpark in the Cadillac ATS Coupe. I knew straight away why he chose the Caddy, because it was probably the most comfortable of all his cars, and it definitely had the most leg room.

Quickly climbing out of his side of the car, he made his way to my door, opened it and helped me twist around. Then, without any hesitation, he placed one arm behind me and the other under my legs, lifting me up.

“Bryce, I have crutches,” I said, half rolling my eyes and half smiling.

“I know, but I have arms and I enjoy it when you’re in them.”

“I need to get used to the crutches, you know.”

“Hunny, I’m carrying you. You’ve got six weeks to get used to those crutches.”

I groaned. “Don’t remind me.”

I decided arguing with him at that particular moment was not going to benefit me. Clearly I was not going to win, so I rested my head on his shoulder and watched him close the car door with his foot and head for the elevator.

***

When the doors to the apartment opened and we entered, I felt a strange disconcerting feeling upon looking at the stairs. I couldn’t explain it. It just made me feel ill, to the point where I felt they were evil, which was incredibly stupid. First of all, stairs are not evil; Freddie Kruger is evil, and so is that hunter that killed Bambi’s mum. Secondly, I fell down them; they didn’t secretly trip me up.

After staring at the stairs for several seconds, another flashback entered my head. Again, in my recall, I hopped along the walkway that led to the top of stairs, bending down and putting my heels on as I stepped. I recalled stopping, bracing the railing, and wiggling my foot into my shoe, making sure it was perfectly secure. I recalled smiling and looking out over the lounge area in search of Bryce. I recalled taking my first step without a problem. I recalled taking my second step, again without any difficulties. The third step however, I was falling forward—fast—but not tripping. I definitely did not trip.

Bryce’s voice broke through my recall. “Alexis, are you with me? What is it?”

“Um...sorry, did you say something?” I stuttered, coming back to the present time.

“Yes, I asked where you wanted me to take you. Are you okay? You look a little pale.”