I proceeded to get out of my car, and before I had even locked the door my phone beeped with a reply:
It’s how I feel, Hunny. U rule me, entirely.
Where r u? - Bryce
I probably should’ve told him where I was going, but he was busy, and I figured that if he wanted to come along we could always come back later in the day.
I typed my response:
So everyone keeps telling me.
I think it’s the other way round though,
U rule me.
I’m at the Hospital...
I wanted a moment to feel close to Bianca - Alexis.
I hit send and waited for the reply I knew would come swiftly. It did:
R u alright? - Bryce
I didn’t want him to worry. I was alright.
I’m fine.
Thought I would spend some time in the Garden of Angels.
I’ll see u later, luv u ♥ - Alexis
Again, his reply was instant:
Luv u more - Bryce
I tucked my phone back into my handbag, pulled out a fluffy pink smiley-faced star I’d found at the shops and headed to the garden.
It felt quite different from the last time I was here as I stepped out onto the path and looked at the vivid blue blossoms of the Jacaranda which formed the centrepiece of the garden. Maybe that was because it was now summer, and the garden was awash with colour, sunlight and with a happy aura that only summer could bring.
Slowly, I walked along the winding cobble path around the entire garden, taking in the abundance of toys, teddy bears, and brightly coloured wooden staked garden creatures. There were also homemade plaques situated in amongst the shrubbery, against the trees and propped along the edging of the path—plaques containing baby’s names. I stopped and took the time to read each and every one, acknowledging all the angels that shared my little girl’s home. It gave me an idea to ask Charlotte to make one for Bianca and bring it with her the next time we visited as a family.
After reading all the plaques, I sat down on the wooden park bench directly across from the spot where we sprinkled Bianca’s ashes and said our goodbyes. I had the pink star on my lap and was tenderly stroking it and hugging it as if it could replace the one thing I wanted to hug and caress the most—my daughter. As I sat there with my eyes closed visualising a life with Bianca in it, I felt the seat shift and a comforting hand rest on my shoulder. I didn’t have to open my eyes to see who it was, but I did, because his presence still surprised me. He was puffed and slightly glistening, his face a little pinker than usual.
“That was quick,” I said with a smile, as I nestled into his side.
“I didn’t want you here alone for a second longer,” he said with strained breath as he tightened his grip.
“I’m fine. I just needed to be close to her today.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He sounded a little disappointed.
“You were busy, and I just thought I’d come on my own.”
“I’m never too busy for you, or Nate and Charli. Remember that—you come first. Always.”
I knew he meant it, but he was still an extremely sought after person in his work life, and I didn’t want to interfere with that. There were some things I would have to do on my own, and I was okay with that. I needed my independence—I liked it.
I looked up at him and noticed him staring at the garden ahead. “I think she would’ve looked like you,” I said softly.
He scoffed. “Me, too. The force is strong in my family,” he playfully replied.
I lovingly shoved him. “Yeah, don’t I know it.”
“I think she would’ve had blonde wavy hair like her mother, my blue eyes, your button nose, and the sweetest little dimples like Charli. She would’ve had Lucy’s smarts, Nate’s determination, and your kindness.”
I was staring at him, tears rolling down my cheeks.
He turned his head and wiped them away. “No doubt, she would’ve sent me to an early grave,” he smiled sadly.
I giggled. “I know. I can imagine her having your stubbornness, your drive, and your ‘no restraints or restrictions’ attitude.” I broke free of his embrace and leaned forward, ready to put the pink star in the garden. “I guess we’ll never know,” I said regretfully.
He grabbed my hand and gently took the star from it, smiling as he identified its significance. He ran his fingers along it then passed it back, not before taking my hand and pressing it to his lips. “You’re wrong, Hunny, we do know.”
I gently caressed his sad face then moved forward and placed the star in the garden. Happy with its perfect position, I moved back into Bryce’s safe, secure and comforting embrace.
***
The following weekend was Charlotte’s birthday. She was a Christmas baby and hated it. I remember her saying to me not too long ago that it wasn’t ‘fair’ and that she had to wait an entire year to celebrate. I’d tried explaining that we all had to wait a year to celebrate, but that just frustrated her even more.