We stopped outside her house. We started to kiss!
I suggested she walk me home and be a gentleman. I assume what she REALLY heard was: "Come to my house where we can explore this more. You're safe, you do not have to do anything you don’t WANT to do").
I assured her that I would play MC Hammer as a thank you. She said nothing...we just started walking in the direction.
I continued FEELING how beautifully vibrant this girl was. I loved holding her hand. The closer we got, the warmer her hand and body became.
Becoming Sexual
We got to my place. We kissed a bit.
She pushed me away and said “I’m not having sex with you”. What I FELT was "I want you so bad, I want this, but I’m not sure how you will view me if I do, so I want to wait until I know a bit more and figure this thing out".
We talked. I told her how attractive she was when talking about what she loved. I remember looking at her in a captivated awe as I lay on the bed, with her knelling towards the end corner of it. She was looking into nothingness talking about what she is waiting to do when she finishes her exams. She was keeping her distance, and that was totally fine. She would gradually close the gap every now and again.
We Joked and flirted. I extended my hand to her, she took it, and I pulled her towards me to come and cuddle. She decided she has felt enough of me to make her decision, and collapsed into me. We started to kiss passionately. I began to undress her, and she started to remove mine.
Conditioning continued to pop its head up at times. My role was to allow it come up, and to allow her process through it without any convincing needed. Alongside my own internal freedom as a secure guiding force. I would keep reminding her to open when she closed down. We had a night of amazing sex, and awesome fun together.
Most of us listen to the words of others, but never really hear the truth behind it. What is she/he REALLY meaning? What truth are they speaking? And ask yourself how can your own freedom inspire others to take hold of their own life and decisions in a purposeful way.
This is far more that fucking a girl. It is everything you create and open her up to, through your own way of being, coming from your OWN truth, and living life on YOUR OWN terms.
Giving her the non-judgmental/non-reactive space, with a secure foundation, and the opportunity to step into that, combined with an endless patience, is the ideal house for sexual expression.
You hear that? PATIENCE!
Why feel the need to rush something so beautiful? The paradox is, gifting patience results in much deeper and MUCH quicker(sometimes instant) sexual experiences.
The Note That Changed My Life:
I will leave you with this…
I had a beautiful moment earlier today as I was going through some junk I was throwing out. I came across my little red book, which I used to write in a few years ago, when I was first starting my journey on the path of masculine alignment.
You may find it a little difficult to see, but there is a cat called bob on the front, which I drew, to protect my hopes and dreams. Basically, I couldn't draw a fucking unicorn. Bob worked just fine.
At this time in my life, I was very seperated from my masculine desire and edge. I was sexually hidden and ashamed.
Below is the note that I wrote to myself. This was my statement from me, to me. I was tired, lonely, and full of stress. I was strangling my expression and my own masculine divinity. I was holding a huge secret, about the fact I LOVE women deeply. It's the most painful decision I ever kept to myself.
I spent my days and nights watching women who inspired me, walk past me, without ever sharing myself with them.
Im going to be honest. Reading this back today, struck a chord and was pretty emotional for me. I remember the pain that young man felt every waking minute. I remember the shame. I even remember where I felt the pain in my body and heart.
Since then, I have exposed myself as a lover of women, and this note to myself was the beginning of that. My decision to 'give up' trying was the greatest decision I ever made.
Give up, now!
I have transcribed this note below, as the writing may be difficult for many to understand.(please see below this pic)
" I GIVE UP. Im just going to tell her how I feel. Im just going to tell her I like her. That I am attracted to her. Simple.
I GIVE UP trying. Fuck it. I give up trying to figure out how to deliver it. I GIVE UP.
I am attracted to her. I like her. I dont care if that gives her more power, or If she has heard it all before. It s true for me. So I say it.
I am afraid of telling a beautiful woman I like her, because I am afraid she wont value me. Im afraid she wont acknowledge me as different. I GIVE UP trying to avoid it.
I embrace it. I am telling her I like her & there is nothing she can do about it.
My fear about being tossed in the same pile as other shit men no longer strangles my experience.
Damn right you know you're attractive & Im going to tell you anyway."
Do whatever you want with this, but I hope it can help set you free also.
The biggest lesson I learned from this journey so far, is that men cut off their expression out of fear. Fear that his expression will give away his power. I have found out, this is so far from the truth.
Only a man who own his own value understands he can never lose it. He chooses to share it, regardless of the responses. Only a man who is full, can put himself fully out there, without ever losing anything.