“It’s only that I wonder sometimes,” said my mother. “What would happen if you went to Duncan and told him you were sorry, sweetie?”
“Mom, please—”
“Did you ever apologize to him?”
“Yes, I did,” I said. “I don’t want to talk about this.”
“What did he say?”
“He said it didn’t matter,” I said. “He said that Heidi was gone, and nothing I said did anything to change that, so it didn’t matter.”
“Well, maybe if you tried again. Maybe now that some time has passed.”
“Mom, Duncan hates me. He’s always going to hate me. I’ve come to terms with that. You need to come to terms with it too.”
She let out an audible breath on the other end of the line, but she didn’t say anything.
We were both quiet.
I guessed it would be easier for my mom to come to terms with everything if her life hadn’t been turned inside out and upside down as well. She and Duncan’s mom had been good friends for years and years. After what I’d done, the Kennedys stopped speaking to our entire family. Duncan and I broke up. Mom and Mrs. Kennedy stopped meeting at the club for tennis and cocktails.
Mom had never been exactly strong. She couldn’t handle it.
I guess it was all too much for her.
I knew how that felt. It often felt like too much for me too.
That was why I’d come here. Because there wasn’t too much in this little public college that anyone could get into. There wasn’t much of anything here at all. That was what I needed. Simplicity.
“You don’t know that Duncan hates you,” said my mother.
“He told me,” I said. “It was kind of a big factor in our breakup.”
“Maybe he’s changed his mind,” said my mother.
“Why don’t you call Carol?” I asked her. “This isn’t about Duncan and me. This is about you. Tell Carol that I’m not around anymore, and that I won’t be home for months. Maybe she’ll consent to making a tennis date.”
“Don’t be silly, honey,” said my mother. “You know how hard it is for me to leave the house these days.”
Right. She was depressed.
It was my fault.
“Okay, Mom,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
“I miss you, honey.”
“I miss you too.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Take care of yourself. And if you want to come home, just call your father. I’m sure that there’s still time to get you into a different school if you want it. We might have to wait until fall, but that would only put you a year behind, and that hardly makes a difference, you know?”
“I don’t want to go to another school.”
“Well, if you change your mind, let us know, sweetie.”
I sighed. “Okay, Mom.”
“Okay.”
We said our goodbyes and hung up. I went back around the partition to Jill’s side of the room.
Jill was yanking the Imagine Dragons t-shirt over her head. “Was that your mom?”
“Sure was,” I said. “Sorry.”
Her head popped out of the shirt. “No worries. Yours sounds just as annoying as mine.”
I couldn’t help but smile.
* * *
Jill’s boyfriend was named Parker. He had short-cropped hair and sensitive eyes. He hadn’t bothered to shave recently, and his chin was sort of shaggy. I might have thought he was a little bit cute, but I told myself not to be all up on Jill’s man and immediately squelched my attraction.
“You the new roommate?” he said by way of greeting.
Jill bounced over to him, now in a sequined white top. “She’s cool, Parker. She’s coming with us.”
He raised his eyebrows at her. “I thought you were pissed.”
“I got over it,” said Jill.
He nodded slowly. “Right.”
She wrapped her arms around his waist and smiled up at him.
He kissed her forehead. “Well, if you’re happy, I’m happy.”
“Totally happy.” She grabbed him by the chin and pulled him down to kiss his lips. The kiss deepened.
I turned away, feeling embarrassed. When I’d been with Duncan, he and I had engaged in lots of public displays of affection. I hadn’t realized how awkward we must have been making everyone else feel. I ducked back onto my side of the room to snatch up my coat and purse.
Then—on impulse—I opened up the drawer of my desk and took out the bulging envelope of cash. I shoved it in inside my purse. Jill had said that if I found anything here, I could keep it. She probably hadn’t meant that I should keep two thousand dollars in cash, of course, but it wasn’t like Cori was around to say anything.