Fractured(56)

‘Jimmy,’ I breathed uncertainly, reaching out a hand to touch his chest. My fingertips rested there only a moment, just long enough to feel the strong pulse of his heartbeat reverberating against them and then, with a determined shake of his head, as though denying what was happening, he got roughly to his feet. He took several moments longer than necessary to return the shower to its stand and shut off the water, but when he turned to look at me once more there was nothing in his face to betray his emotions. The fragile interlude between us might never have been.

‘I think it’s stopped bleeding now but you should probably put a plaster on it, if you have one.’

‘Uh-huh.’ Switching from intimacy to practicality in a matter of seconds had done nothing to improve my ability to articulate.

He left me then to dry my foot and dress the wound, while he returned to the bedroom and busied himself methodically clearing the carpet of broken china.

I watched him in silence from the bathroom doorway, fascinated by the display of his muscled arms and back as he bent to his task. I knew then that my feelings for him had strayed off the path of friendship, and I wanted so badly to reach out to him that it felt like a physical ache. But every bit as clearly, I could see that Jimmy did not reciprocate those feelings. Whatever territory we had almost ventured into a few minutes ago, was clearly somewhere Jimmy didn’t want to go. If I pushed it, I could lose him for ever and I couldn’t cope with that again.

‘There,’ he said, straightening to his feet. ‘I think I’ve got it all, just watch where you walk.’

‘Thank you.’ My voice was a little subdued but I don’t know if he noticed. What he did notice, however, was my sudden involuntary shiver in the coolness of the bedroom. He came over and put an arm around my shoulders.

‘God, Rachel, you’re freezing. Have you got a dressing gown or something?’

I shook my head. I’d only packed the bare essentials and I certainly hadn’t been expecting company in the middle of the night.

‘Well let’s get you back into bed before you catch a cold.’

He bent as though to carry me again but I ducked from his grip and hobbled the short distance over to the bed. He gave a small laugh at what he thought was my stubbornness, and I was happy to let him believe it was that. Far better to have him think I was being pig-headed than for him to realise the effect his proximity was suddenly having on me.

I scrambled under the blankets, the coverage they provided being even more welcome than their warmth. To my surprise Jimmy didn’t appear to be in any hurry to return to his own room and settled himself down to sit on top of the covers beside me on the bed.

‘So what was this nightmare about then, the one that made you decide to trash the room like a rock star?’

I gave a small smile. ‘Oh, nothing really.’

‘It didn’t sound like nothing to me. You really scared me, you know.’

I looked into his face and knew he was telling the truth. He might not precisely share my feelings, but there was no doubting that he did care for me.

‘Sorry,’ I apologised, not really knowing if I was saying it for worrying him; for what happened in the bathroom; or for any and all future transgressions. ‘The dream was the usual one. Usual for me, that is. I was dreaming about the night of the car accident.’

‘Does that happen a lot?’

I nodded sadly.

‘Ever since the accident?’

‘Ever since you died,’ I corrected.

We were both silent then, temporarily lost for words at the improbability of my statement.

‘But why are you still dreaming it now?’ Jimmy asked suddenly, turning on his side, the better to see my face. ‘Why now, when you know it didn’t really happen like that?’

I shook my head miserably. ‘I don’t know.’

But then a thought occurred to me, a really obvious one. For the thing I didn’t know, what I was really in the dark about, was what had actually happened on that fateful night. Because that was when reality had split into two different realms for me. Perhaps when I understood what had actually transpired, the imaginary second life would lose all substance and disappear like the mirage everyone said that it was.

‘Tell me everything. Tell me what you remember about that night, from the moment we sat down at that table.’

Jimmy read the need to know in my voice and, as though to protect me from the truth, should it turn out to be painful, he put an arm around my shoulders before beginning.

His story was just as I remembered it being. Even the air of camaraderie and friendship came to life again at his recollections. I didn’t interrupt at all until he mentioned the penny he had given me.