“Maybe he does know,” Nonno said softly. “You can’t rush these things. Maybe he’s scared. You know he had a hard life with his dad after what happened to his mom.”
“I know his dad is cold. I know his mom died when he was young. He never talks about it. I mean, can that still be affecting him?”
“Mila, of course that would still be affecting him. He’s human. He was young when his mom died, remember that. Still a kid. These things have a way of staying with you for a long, long time. TJ’s a good man.”
“I know he’s a good man.” I sighed and bit down on my lower lip. “I know there’s something inside of him that’s broken. Sometimes I can see it in his eyes. Sometimes when I look at him, there’s a sadness there, a sadness that makes me just want to reach out and hold him. Sometimes he looks at me like he has something he wants to say, something deep, and we just stare at each other and I wait to see what he’s going to say, but then it’s like his brain shuts down and he makes a joke.”
“That’s a preservation mechanism. He’s probably not comfortable with expressing his feelings. He didn’t grow up with a family like yours, Mila. You have to give him time. Reach him in ways that don’t make him feel uncomfortable.”
“I just want to know that he feels something. I just want to know that he knows that what we have is special. I want him to just give me one iota of what I’m giving him. I just want him to feel an ounce of the love for me that I feel for him. I want him to love me.”
“And he will.” Nonno grabbed my hands. “I know these things are hard, Mila, and I know that your patience is running thin, but he will come around.”
“Not when he finds out.” My voice was so soft that I wasn’t even sure that Nonno could hear me. “Not when he finds out what I did. He may never forgive me then. Some secrets are just too much to overcome.” My voice broke then and I fell to my knees as I watched the sun setting, signaling to me that another day had passed without me revealing the truth. Another day had passed and my heart was still in turmoil. I felt like I was on the downward spiral of some horrible rollercoaster ride. Nothing was going my way and while I just wanted to get off the ride, I wanted something epic to happen. I needed to feel the exhilaration of the anticipation of what was going to happen next, but it was just so hard. Too hard.
“What did you do, Mila?” Nonno came up from behind me and I stilled, ashamed to admit the lies that had sprung from my mouth. I knew that Nonno would be disappointed in me, as I was disappointed in myself.
“It’s hard to admit.” I sighed. “I was so immature, so jealous, but I didn’t really know what I was doing at the time.”
“What did you do, Mila?”
“When Cody and TJ were in college, Sally and I went up for a weekend to stay with them in the apartment they were sharing. I think it was their senior year and Mom and Dad trusted them enough to show us around the campus. So anyway, it was a Saturday night and they left us in the apartment because they wanted to go to a frat party. They said we could just watch a movie, which is what we did. It was about ten p.m, Sally was on the phone with some pizza delivery place and there was a knock on the door.” I took a deep breath, my face going red as I remembered that night vividly and I could feel myself heating up in shame.
“Continue,” Nonno said, his eyes not leaving my face.
“So there was a knock on the door and there was this girl standing there.” I spoke slowly, remembering the look on her face. She’d been worried and scared, her face pale as she stood there awkwardly. I’d known right away that something was wrong—call it female intuition or something. I looked at Nonno then and made a face, wanting to cry, but I knew that I’d made this mess by myself.
“Go on, mi cara.”
“She asked for TJ.” I chewed on my lower lip. “I asked her why. She started to cry so I told her to come in.” I took a deep breath. “Nonno, she told me she was pregnant. She told me that she there was a possibility that TJ was the dad and that she needed to talk to him. She asked him if she could wait for him.”
“Okay.” Nonno pursed his lips and stared at me, his expression not changing.
“I asked her how sure she was that TJ was the father. I asked her what she wanted. I told her that TJ and I were in a serious relationship. I told her that I wasn’t sure we could handle the fact that she might be having his baby.”
“Oh Mila.”
“And then I told her to leave.” Tears filled my eyes. “I told her she couldn’t wait for TJ. I don’t know why I did that, Nonno. I was so ashamed of myself. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so jealous, I wasn’t thinking properly. And she just left. She didn’t even say anything. She wasn’t even a bad person. She wasn’t one of those bitchy money-grubbing girls that I hate. She wasn’t super beautiful or slutty or anything. There was nothing about her that would make me think that I needed to protect TJ. Nothing predator-ish about her. I mean, she was even honest that TJ might not even be the father.”
“So she just left?”
“Yes.” I nodded.
“And I’m assuming you never told TJ.”
“Nope.” I shook my head. “When he got home that night, I was still too embarrassed, and selfishly I was hoping that he’d notice me, tell me he wanted to be with me or something.”
“Oh Mila.” Nonno sighed.
“I know,” I said. “And then the next day, I was so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I didn’t know how to bring it up. I mean, I tried several times, but it just didn’t seem right. There was never a perfect moment. I didn’t want him to think badly of me, Nonno. And then, well then I figured the girl would most probably contact TJ and let him know. The next few weeks I waited for TJ to contact me all angry and tell me how pissed he was at me for talking to the girl and sending her away. But he never did. And then I forgot it. I tried to tell myself that it was likely that TJ wasn’t the father and that the girl had figured out who it was.” I rubbed my eyes. “But who knows, maybe she was just trying to help me and my fake relationship.”
“You need to tell him, Mila. Nothing can continue, good or bad, if you’re not honest with him.”
“I’m scared to tell him.” My eyes widened.
“You can’t live your life being scared, Mila. You have to take chances, you have to grab the bull by the horn and go for it.”
“I’m scared the bull is going to buck and rear and I’m going to fall off and get bruised.”
“That’s the risk you take in life and love, Mila.”
“I just feel like this secret is so big that even if there was a possibility of him loving me that it would all fade away now. Who can forgive someone for something like that?”
“Everyone has a secret, Mila.”
“But are all secrets forgivable?” I sighed. “I mean, I think a part of him could really love me. I just feel it in my soul. But I don’t want to push for it, when this is still hanging over me. I need to know that if he does fall in love with me, it’s for everything that he knows about me; good and bad.”
“Just as you love him for everything you do and don’t know, right?” Nonno said. “Good and bad.”
“There is no bad in TJ.” I sighed. “He’s perfect.”
“No one’s perfect, Mila. We all have our secrets. Remember that.”
“You don’t have any secrets, Nonno. You’re perfect too.”
“Even I have secrets, Mila.” He touched the top of my head. “Even I have secrets, but that doesn’t mean that I love you any less.”
Chapter Nine
TJ
Ten Years Ago
It had been ten years since my mother's death and I was leaving for college the next day. I figured I might as well ask my dad what had happened that night. I wanted to know. I wanted to understand. I wanted to somehow reach the parts of me that had been locked off my whole life. I didn't like being the cold, uncaring guy. I wasn't that guy. I had so many feelings inside, but I didn't know how to express them or get them out. I didn't know how to be open. And the older I got the more uncomfortable I was about love and relationships and getting too close. I'd dated some girls that had balled their eyes out when we'd broken up. They'd cried and told me they hated me and loved me and wanted to die and it scared me. I didn't want to make anyone feel like they weren't enough just because they weren't what I wanted. I mean, if I was honest with myself I didn't want to get emotionally involved, period. That was not who I was or who I would ever be. I'd never been in love. Never even thought I was close, and was glad for it. I didn't want that power over anyone and I didn't want anyone to have any power over me.
"Dude, what are you doing?" Cody hit me in the shoulder. "Let's go."
"Hold on, I need to ask my dad something first."
"Hurry up. The guys are waiting." Cody frowned and looked at his watch. I knew he didn't care about the waiting guys as much as he cared that Lisa, the head cheerleader, was into him and also waiting at the bowling alley for us.