Four Week Fiance 2(18)

What did I have to offer him? I wasn’t beautiful. I didn’t have a perfect body. I didn’t look anything like the other girls he dated. I wasn’t super smart. I wasn’t sporty. I wasn’t witty and intelligent. I didn’t follow the news or international affairs. We had no real interests in common. I had nothing to offer him. He had the whole world to give a woman. I was nothing. Absolutely nothing.

My sobs were so loud that I didn’t hear the front door opening. I didn’t hear him walking towards the bedroom. I didn’t hear him stop at the entrance to the bedroom door. I didn’t hear him standing there, staring at me, crying my eyes out and punching the pillow like I was being killed or that someone in my life had died. I didn’t hear anything. I just cried and cried because my heart was being pulled out of my body and I was slowly losing all will to ever feel good about myself or my life again. I felt like I was being broken in two. I felt like I was losing a part of myself in my despair. I’d never known what it was like to lose someone important before, but as I lay there crying, I knew that I was losing a part of my heart. A part of my innocence was forever gone.

And then I heard him. And then I looked up, my heart pounding, my face red and splotchy. I froze as our eyes met and his face was a mask of worry and concern.

“Why are you crying, Mila?” TJ walked into the room, his face grim and twisted as he approached me, his eyes studying my face. “Who hurt you? What happened?”

“No one hurt me,” I said as I looked away from him. How could I tell him that I was crying for myself because of him? Because he made me feel invisible? Because he’d never once looked at me in the way I’d seen him looking at the waitress in the restaurant? How could I tell him that I was crying because for once in my life I wanted to matter? I wanted to be the one someone wanted. I wanted to be the one admired. For all my laughter and plans, I was hurt inside. I was more than hurt. I was broken.

I’d tried to hide the fact that it hurt me that he didn’t care for so many years. I’d lied to myself that I wasn’t hurt and dejected. In my head and heart, I’d known that it would happen. I ignored the fact that he didn’t pursue me. I made all these excuses to myself for the reasons why, when the real reason was in front of me. He just didn’t care about me. Yeah, maybe he wanted to sleep with me, but I wasn’t his one. I wasn’t anything special. And knowing that, knowing that he’d never looked at me with that glint in his eyes that I’d seen when he’d looked at Madeline, killed me. It made me feel weak and empty and alone and there was nothing I could do to fix that feeling. There was nothing I could do to make him love me. There was nothing I could do to make him feel for me the way I felt for him.

I didn’t understand why. I didn’t understand how I could feel all these feelings, love him so much. I didn’t understand why I would want him so much, when to him, I was nothing.

“Tell me why you’re crying, Mila.” He frowned as he sat next to me. “Who do I have to beat up?”

“No one. I’m fine.” I gulped as he sat down on the bed and gingerly touched my shoulder.

“You’re not fine.” He lay down next to me and reached over to my face. “Tell me what’s wrong, Mila. Please.”

“Nothing is wrong.” I kept my eyes down. How did you tell someone that their not loving you had broken you without seeming pathetic?

“Mila.” His voice broke and I looked into his eyes. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, it doesn’t matter.” I tried to wipe my eyes. My whole being felt embarrassed and awkward.

“It matters to me,” he said softly. “Please Mila, talk to me.”

“You were mean to me tonight,” I said softly, not knowing why I was letting the words out. “I was just waiting on you. And that guy approached me and you were mean.”

“I didn’t intend to be mean,” he said stiffly.

“And then you were flirting with the waitress. I thought you were going to ask her out. It was so disrespectful.” I looked down.

“I didn’t realize I was flirting with her.” He sighed. “Is that why you’re crying?”

“I’m just emotional because I’m getting my period,” I lied. I didn’t want him to know I was devastated.

“I might have been flirting with the waitress because I wanted to make you jealous.” He touched my cheek lightly and I looked over at him and he had a weird look on his face.

“Make me jealous?” I asked him, confused.

“I was looking forward to our dinner all day and then I walk in and see you flirting with some guy.” He shrugged. “It made me upset.”

“We weren’t flirting.”

“He wanted you.”

“He was just being friendly.”

“Guys are only friendly to women they want.” He made a face. “He wanted you.”

“I didn’t want him.”

“I acted irrationally, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” I took a huge breath and my heartbeat started to slow down as I calmed down a bit. So maybe he didn’t think the waitress was his soul mate, after all. Though, I still thought it was pretty shitty that he’d been flirting with her right in front of me.

“I’m an asshole.” He leaned away from me and lay flat on his back. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I said and lay flat on my back as well. We both just lay there, staring at the ceiling. I didn’t know what to say now. I wanted to ask him what he really thought about me, if he’d ever thought about me in any other way. If he’d ever love me. But I knew that would be pathetic. Just like me. I hated feeling this way. He’d think I was crazy, acting all emotional over nothing.

“Doesn’t it sometimes seem like the world is against you?” TJ finally said, his voice sounding different, less sure of himself.

“Yeah, it does,” I agreed, wondering what he was talking about. “Why do you say that?”

“I just sometimes feel that way,” he said, his voice even lower now. “Everything in my world has always been black and white. Hot or cold. Yes or no. But that’s not always how life works. My life has always been me against the world.”

“That’s not true,” I protested. “You have Cody, you have my family.” I didn’t want to tell him that he had me. That seemed too personal. Too revealing.

“Yeah, but in my heart and brain, it’s all been me against the world.” He sighed. “And I’ve always told myself that . . .” His voice trailed off and I waited for him to continue. However, after a few minutes of silence he still hadn’t said anything and so I spoke up.

“You told yourself what?”

“Nothing, I’m not making sense.” He rolled over and then I rolled over to look at him. His eyes were tender, but his lips were twisted. He looked so lost, like a little boy, and I felt myself loving him so much. My heart filled to the brim as I stared at him. I loved this man so much it hurt.

“You’re so beautiful,” he said softly, his eyes meeting mine.

“Thank you,” I said in reply.

“It killed me to see you crying.” He took a deep breath. “I thought something happened.”

“Nothing happened.”

“I know, but I thought . . .” His voice trailed off again and he closed his eyes. “This is a mess.”

“What’s a mess?” I reached over and touched his shoulder.

“Nothing.” His lips twisted. “You’re so special—you know that, right?”

“What’s so special about me?” I joked, but my heart stood still as I waited for him.

“You just don’t even know.” His eyes seemed to darken and he was silent for a few seconds as he stared at me. “Oh, Mila, butterflies envy you.” He reached over and caressed my face.

“Why would butterflies envy me?” I laughed awkwardly. The air seemed to stand still in the room as I waited for his answer.

“The sight of you. The sound of your laugh. The lightest touch of your arm. The smell of your hair. The way your eyes crinkle when you smile. The way you play with your hair when you’re nervous. The way you listen to me. The way you make me feel when I’m with you. The whole world stands still when my eyes catch yours. The whole world stands still and even the butterflies are caught up in your aura.”

“Oh, TJ,” I said, about to say more, but he held a finger to my lips and smiled, a beautiful, handsome, heartwarming smile that made my heart ache. I reached over and pulled him closer to me.

“The sight of you ignites my heart, Mila. The sound of your laugh is music to my ears. Just knowing that I’m next to you, the way that makes me feel, it’s enough to let me know . . .” His voice trailed off again and he looked away from me then.

“Let you know what?” I asked breathlessly.

“I knew I was falling for you when the world stood still,” he said, as if he were talking to himself. He then looked back at me, a confused expression on his face. “When I saw you crying just now, it felt like the world was going to combust and burst into flames. It made me feel things. Think things.” He sighed.