Forgive me, Lauren, he thought, staring blankly into the black reaches of space displayed on the viewscreen. For my ignorance and uncertainty. For not knowing how to ease your pain. I am no fit mate for you. He looked down at the burning letters of her name branded on his chest. And yet I don’t know how to be anything else.
* * * * *
Lauren slapped the bathroom door shut and clapped a hand over her mouth to stifle a sob. It felt like she’d been crying off and on all morning but what a hellish morning it had been! She honestly couldn’t remember a worse one. Even waking up naked on the cold metal floor of the Fathership didn’t compare.
She sank to the floor and wrapped her arms around herself, trembling. She didn’t want to be weak but just for this one moment, she couldn’t help it. She had to give in to the tears.
Over and over she relieved the terrifying sensation of being grabbed and then watching as the clones tried to take her place. The fear that Xairn wouldn’t know the difference, that she would be left behind on a strange planet trapped in a life of prostitution until she died. And then watching as he endured agony for her—as he allowed himself to be branded with her name without saying a word.
It should have been me! I should have been the one who was marked! I shouldn’t have let him do it. Though she wasn’t sure how she could have stopped him. Now, even though he was going to leave her, he would have a permanent reminder of her stamped forever on his chest. Lauren wanted to go to him, to treat the burns with some of the cooling gel she’d found in the Kindred first aid kit earlier, but she couldn’t bring herself to face him again. Not yet. For now she could only try to deal with what she’d been through…and try not to think about how she was going to feel in a few hours when he left her on Earth and went away for good.
She cried quietly for awhile, muffling the sobs with her hand so as not to disturb Xairn. Letting out the terror and pain of what she’d just gone through seemed to help and at last, she began to feel calmer. It’s all right, Lauren, everything is going to be all right, she told herself fiercely, blotting her eyes on the sleeve of her muumuu. You got through being kidnapped, held prisoner by the AllFather, having your DNA altered, and being cloned. You’ll make it through this too. You’ll make it through him leaving…But she didn’t know how she could.
Out of everything that had happened to her since she’d been plucked her from her normal life on Earth and sent on a dizzying, out of control rollercoaster ride of adventure and fear, knowing she would never see Xairn again hurt the worst. The idea of never being held in his arms, of never looking into his eyes—whether they were red-on-black or blue-green, she didn’t care—was so painful it hurt to breathe when she thought of it. She didn’t blame him a bit for wanting to go but God, how was she going to—
A soft knocking on the other side of the bathroom door broke her train of thought abruptly. “Lauren?” Xairn sounded concerned. “Are you all right? Can I see you?”
“Just a minute.” She jumped up and turned to the sink to splash some cool water on her face. Blotting her cheeks with a towel, she studied her reflection in the mirror. Red eyes? Check. Puffy face? Check. Great, just great. Well, there was no way to hide from him that she’d been crying but at least she could be calm and collected now. Xairn had been through enough having her name freaking burned into his flesh. He didn’t need to deal with her crazy emotions too.
“Lauren?” he asked again.
“Coming.” Take a deep breath, she opened the door.
Xairn was leaning against the frame, his wide shoulders filling the doorway completely. His shirt was still hanging open and he was so tall that Lauren found she was just about at eye level with the brand.
“Hi,” she said brightly. “I was just looking for some burn gel for you. So I could treat your—you know…” She gestured to the raised black lines on his chest. They were an angry red around the margins and had to be hurting him terribly.
“You were crying,” he said, studying her face intently. “I could hear it though I’m sure you were trying to keep quiet.” Hesitantly, he reached out to brush her cheek with the back of his hand. “Don’t hide your pain from me, Lauren. Please.”
Lauren bit her lip. “I…I didn’t want to bother you. You’ve been through so much already.”
“We both have.” He studied her with those new, piercing sea colored eyes. “But we went through it together, at least.”
“Yes, I guess so.”
Xairn looked troubled. “I…I want to make you feel better but I don’t know how,” he confessed. “I don’t know the correct response or how to ease your suffering.”