The puppy fell over then staggered to its feet unsteadily. Its eyes were open but it still looked very young to Xairn. It turned and nudged the limp body of its mother, crying pitifully. When the black dog didn’t move, the puppy pawed at it anxiously. The helpless, hopeless gesture seemed to do something to Xairn’s heart.
“She’s gone, little one,” he said roughly. “Gone where you cannot follow. I’m sorry I couldn’t help her.”
The puppy turned to the sound of his voice and wobbled over to him unsteadily. Xairn started to put out a hand to it…and then withdrew. What business did he have with such a tiny, weak thing? He was Scourge through and through—he had proved it himself this afternoon with Lauren. His urges pushed him towards violence, not compassion. Inside his head he seemed to hear the voice of his father hissing, “Only the ssstrong deserve to sssurvive.” He should go now and leave the tiny thing to its fate—that was the Scourge way, was it not?
Then the puppy nudged his knee with its nose and gave a small yip. When Xairn looked down, he saw it staring up at him hopefully with big brown eyes just like Sanja’s. It pawed at him gently and yipped again as if to say, “Well? Aren’t you going to pick me up?”
Somewhere inside his heart a knot that had been tightening suddenly loosened. Reaching down, he scooped up the puppy and held it to his chest.
“It’s all right, little one,” he murmured into the silky black fur as the puppy reached up to nuzzle against his neck. “Your mother is gone but I’ll take care of you.”
* * * * *
Lauren looked up the moment the door to her condo opened. Xairn was standing there with a haggard look on his face and something cradled in his arms.
“It was my fault,” she said, jumping up and running over to him. “All mine. I shouldn’t have pushed you that way, shouldn’t have tempted you. I’m so sorry—”
He took a step backward, his eyes widening with surprise. “You’re not angry with me?”
“No, if anything I’m angry with myself.” Lauren put a hand to her head. “You asked me not to push you but I did it anyway. I’m so sorry, Xairn I just wanted…just wanted to be close to you. But I didn’t mean to make you, uh, lose control.”
“The fault was not yours.” He shook his head, frowning. “It was all mine. I can’t control my Scourge nature, my urges are too dominant even with the human DNA I got from you. I…I came to tell you that, Lauren. That I can’t trust myself with you so I need to go.”
“No, don’t go!” she exclaimed, grabbing his arm. The thing he was holding, which had looked at first like a scrap of black fabric in the dim light, shook itself and made a sleepy, inquiring sound. “What’s that?” Lauren asked, almost surprised enough to forget her anxiety.
“A puppy.” He sighed. “I know I’m no good for it—any more than I am for you. But its mother—the black dog you fed at lunch—died after being struck by a car. I’m sorry but I had to take it. I…was unable to leave it behind.”
“Of course you couldn’t leave it!” Lauren tried to take the puppy from his arms but it growled and snapped at her finger with tiny white milk teeth. Then it nuzzled closer to Xairn and leaned up to lick at his cheek. “Oh my.” She laughed. “Looks like this is a one person puppy and I’m not the one. He’s bonded with you already, Xairn.”
“It’s a she,” he said wearily, sitting down on the couch as he cradled the puppy in his arms. “And she does appear to have poor taste in masters.”
“No, she doesn’t.” Laurens sat beside him, careful not to touch, and looked earnestly into his eyes. “Please don’t go, Xairn. We can work through this—I know it.”
“How can I work through what I almost did to you?” he demanded. “I had you pinned to the table, Lauren. I was about to rape you—do you understand that?”
Lauren felt a rush of heat go through her at the memory of being pinned and helpless beneath his big body but she pushed it away. Surely what had almost happened between them shouldn’t turn her on, so she refused to think about it.
“No you didn’t,” she said, shaking his head. “You never would have done that—you stopped yourself just in time. And anyway,” She felt her cheeks grow hot and she had to look down at her hands. “It…it wouldn’t have been rape. Just, uh, really rough sex.”
“You weren’t ready for me. You were frightened.” He looked at her. “Don’t try to deny it, Lauren. I heard it in your thoughts.”