“Fine. I’m…fine.” He shook his head, trying to clear away the memories that threatened to drown him. Sanja as a puppy, so playful and eager to please. Her big brown eyes, her soft fur, the way she always knew when I was upset. And the look in her eyes when I had to give the last command. When I had to kill her…
Gods, he didn’t need to be thinking about this now. He hadn’t told Lauren about his pet or how he’d been forced by his father to kill her. In fact, he hadn’t told her hardly anything about his past although she seemed to have deduced a great deal on her own. She doesn’t need to know, he thought, looking down at his water glass. Doesn’t need to hear the things I went through. The things I did. It’s bad enough that she knows about my people without knowing the specifics of my sad, twisted life.
“You don’t seem fine.” Lauren sounded doubtful.
“I am though.” Xairn made an effort to straighten up and shake off the black mood that had come over him. He even made favorable comments about the food when it arrived. His approval and enjoyment seemed to please Lauren.
“I’ll make a foodie out of you yet.” She grinned at him. “In fact, let’s stop by the store on the way back to my shop. I’ll get the ingredients to make a batch of cupcakes just for you.”
Xairn smiled at her. “You did promise me some of your signature confection as I recall.”
“That’s right, I did. And I have a new recipe I’ve been dying to try. Chocolate vanilla bean with strawberry jam in the center—kind of a Neapolitan thing. Should be delicious if I can keep the jam part from sinking to the bottom while the cupcakes bake.”
As always, when she spoke about her chosen profession, Lauren’s eyes lit up and she started to smile. It reminded Xairn of how she had looked when she first told him about the miniature cakes and described how they tasted when she was still a prisoner on the Fathership. The passion in her voice and the light in her warm amber eyes had drawn him like a magnet. He thought it was then that he first began to love her, though he hadn’t understood it at the time. It was Lauren who had introduced him to the concept of love in the first place—a concept he feared he was still far from mastering.
Gods, how I care for her, he thought, listening intently as she spoke about the recipe she wanted to try. I wish I could show her how much without hurting her! If only…
But there was no way. No way to express all he felt and still keep control of his darker urges. With a sigh, Xairn pushed the thought away and tried to concentrate on what Lauren was saying instead of his growing desire for her. But it was hard, Gods, so hard when he wanted her so badly. He could still feel her pressed against him from the long hug they had shared back at her shop. Her warm, curvy body, her smooth brown skin, her sweet feminine scent—everything about her was appealing. Like a drug he couldn’t get enough of.
I want her more every day, he thought. Every day it gets harder and harder not to take her, to bond her to me. Gods, I should leave now before I hurt her, before I ruin her life and put out the light in her beautiful eyes forever.
But he couldn’t leave. No matter how much he knew he ought to go, he couldn’t. He just couldn’t.
Chapter Twenty-six
Lauren hummed happily to herself as she stirred strawberry puree into a big bowl of homemade butter cream frosting. They were back at the Sweet Spot and the cupcakes were in the oven, filling the air with the warm, delicious scents of chocolate and vanilla. The smells soothed her as nothing else could and for the first time in weeks she felt at peace.
Baking always made Lauren her feel like herself again. Considering all the stress she’d been under lately, she didn’t understand why she hadn’t made anything before now. She’d been concentrating on her relationship with Xairn to the exclusion of almost everything else—leaving little time to try new recipes. Now she admitted to herself that had been a mistake. Some things couldn’t be forced. She needed to be patient—to let the feelings flow naturally between them. Maybe if she just relaxed, things would fall into place. She’d always been optimistic by nature—it was good to feel her natural cheerfulness returning.
“That looks delicious,” Xairn murmured, interrupting her train of thought. He was leaning against one of the counters, watching as she worked at the island in the middle of the kitchen. His deep voice was a low purr and his eyes were hot as he watched her. “You use only fresh ingredients?”
Lauren felt her heart skip a beat at the way he was watching at her. Looking down, she realized that the top two buttons of her cotton Henley blouse had become unbuttoned, showing a generous amount of cleavage. She must have been putting on a show without knowing it. She started to button her blouse…and stopped.