His words had me breaking apart, coming like a tidal wave at each hard thrust. As I tightened around him, his speed picked up, moving faster until I felt him surrender to his own inevitable release and collapse next to me on the couch.
Neither of us said anything as he stood and walked away, heading for the stairs.
There was really nothing left to say.
I could have left. I should have left. That is what a smart person would have done.
But instead, I traced his steps up the familiar staircase.
“Not the master,” I said as his hand went to the door handle of the bedroom we’d once shared. Without a single word, he walked until he reached the guest bedroom and waited.
Without a single word, I followed.
* * *
The crashing waves did nothing to calm my weary nerves. I watched the early morning sun climb higher up the horizon under the large bank of fog that hung heavy over the city. After sneaking out of bed, I’d found my clothes scattered around the sofa with August’s things.
I barely remembered removing them.
Everything had happened so fast.
And yet, when it was over, and the moment had passed…I hadn’t left. I hadn’t fallen to my knees begging with remorse and chastising myself over the inexcusable decisions I’d made.
No, instead…I made them over and over again. All night long.
Was this what Ryan had expected me to do? When he’d walked out the door last night, leaving me to choose—did he know I’d end up here? Did everyone seem to know me better than I did myself?
Pushing away from the balcony edge, I pulled the blanket I’d grabbed from the living room tighter around my shoulders and headed back inside to make a cup of coffee. I felt no big rush to leave as long as August was still asleep. Today was my day off and it wasn’t as if I had anywhere else to go.
I had no home anymore anyway.
I had no home.
That thought lodged in my brain and I halted mid-step in the kitchen, nearly spilling the bag of coffee grounds I was carrying.
Oh dear god, I had nowhere to go. Did I?
Ryan had been the one to walk out, but it had always been his apartment. I’d moved in with him—not the other way around. When we’d made the step to move in together, I had been living in a tiny apartment I’d found after I moved away from the cliffs and we’d thought it best to keep his. It was in a better area and larger.
I couldn’t expect him to leave—especially now.
After what I’d done.
Setting the coffee down on the counter, I felt my heart rate double at the thought of being homeless. Visions of ratty sheets and secondhand clothes filled my mind as my childhood raced back.
I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t.
Running toward the door, I grabbed my purse, ready to race back to the apartment.
I had to plan—pack…something. Oh, god. What a mess I’d made.
As soon as I opened the door, though, I nearly flew into a very surprised Brick, who had his hand up in the air preparing to knock. He righted me with one hand as I stumbled in my haste, bringing me upright to his curious gaze.
“I didn’t expect to find you here,” he said, balancing a drink carrier with his free hand.
“Really? This wasn’t your secret plan all along?” I sneered, hating myself for taking my anger out on Brick—but really hadn’t he orchestrated this all? Hadn’t he been the reason we were even seeing each other again in the first place?
If he hadn’t shown up at my apartment all those weeks ago, would I still be engaged?
Would I still be sitting in my warm, inviting little apartment planning out the rest of my years with Ryan?
Or would I have eventually ended up in this same position?
Somehow, I already knew the answer.
“You want to go for a walk?” he asked, holding up his drink carrier. “I was supposed to meet August here for a morning hike down to the beach, but I’m guessing he forgot. Plus, I think you could use this coffee a bit more right now.”
I eyed the paper cups in his hand and bit the corner of my lip reluctantly. “Okay, but only because you have coffee.”
“I always know how to charm the ladies,” he chuckled, handing me a piping hot cup of joe. He dropped the cardboard carrier on the table by the front door and we headed out into the brisk morning air. The fog that had settled overnight was slowly starting to clear. Bit by bit, the city was beginning to reveal herself to the world once again, like a mask slowly being stripped away.
The crunch of gravel was the only sound between us for a while as we slowly walked down the street and sipped from our cups. Between each house, I’d sneak a glance at the gray ocean as the fog slowly began to recede over the water.
“You haven’t asked what happened—between August and me,” I said.