Forever My Love(89)
"Why did you leave Hampshire without a word to me?" he murmured, his breath soft and warm in the fragile indentation behind her jaw. There was a trace of bewilderment in his tone, and something else shedidn't understand. Mira closed her eyes as she remembered the pain of the day she had left Sackville Manor.
"You gave me no alternative," she said woodenly.
The Berkeleys were there, offering to take me with them. And Sackville had asked me a few days before hat to leave."
"You didn't tell me that."
"Would it have made a difference if you had known? You made no promises to me, ever. You didn't offer me any way out of the situation I was in, not even after the night we…"
"You knew that all you had to do was ask me for help," Alec said quietly, pulling away from her and staring at her intently. "I would have given you a place of your own, if that was what you wanted—"
"—if I would have consented to be your mistress." Mira smiled bitterly. "And fool that I was, I probably would have accepted. But I wouldn't now, not for a palace, not for any amount of money at all. I've changed since then, and I've begun to see that I want more than you could ever offer me."
He gripped her upper arms, his gloved hands like steel vises covered with velvet. "What do you expect me to offer you?" he demanded with a sudden flare of anger, his voice hard with frustration. "You know what kind of position I'm in… you know about the responsibilities I have to shoulder. God… I still want you—you can't help but know that—but I'm a Falkner. I'm the firstborn son. I have to take care of the rest of the family, and someday I have to produce suitable heirs to carry my name. If you were someone different… if I were someone different…"
"I understand," Mira said quietly, feeling frozen inside. "I understand all of that."
"Then for God's sake, would you try to consider accepting what I can give you? I can give you everything, everything but my name. I could make you happy—""No, you couldn't," she interrupted swiftly. "You might have been able to once, but not now. It isn't your fault… it's just that everything's changed. I don't need beautiful clothes or spending money to make me happy. I don't need theater tickets and balls. I don't need passion. I don't want to be dazzled. All I want is a quiet life and a family of my own—I will do my best to get that, and maybe if God is willing I'll succeed. I don't understand why I came with you today. I know I shouldn't have. Rosalie was right: I would have been far better off with someone like Onslow." She felt him stiffen beside her as she continued. "After we join up with the others and arrive at the Stamford estate, I don't want to talk to you again. I don't want to see you again. Fortunately I won't be attending more than one or two more parties until the spring, so all I ask is that you make the same effort that I will to avoid being near each other."
"That would be for the best," Alec agreed with cold politeness, and flicked the reins neatly to join the passing convoy of horses and vehicles. Mira sat as far away from him as possible during the long, cold ride back. They did not exchange another word, not even as Alec helped her out of the sleigh and into the mansion with the other guests. When she was safely inside, he left her and did not even glance at her for the rest of the afternoon.
"I am sorry," Mira said to Rosalie as soon as they had an opportunity to speak to each other. Her voice rang with a sincerity that dissolved any reprimands that Rosalie might have intended to deliver. "I made a terrible mistake. I shouldn't have gone with him. You were right."
"It gives me no pleasure to be right," Rosalie replied, staring at her with searching blue eyes. "Not when you look so rueful about it."
The winter did not pass as slowly as Mira had fearedit might. She found more than enough activities to occupy her time, not the least of which was tending the various illnesses that cropped up among the guests and the tenants of the Berkeley estates. The cold air was infused with a damp that seemed to sink through clothes and skin down to the very bones, and even the hottest soup, the strongest spirits, and blazing fires did little to warm the body after being outside for more than a few hours. Luckily the kitchens were well-stocked with dried plants and herbs that Mira used to treat the rounds of colds, coughs, joint aches, sore throats, and earaches.
She made flax poultices and crushed eryngo plants to use their juice in a recipe for eardrops. She used gerardia and germander to make a lotion that eased the pain of arthritis, rheumatism, and gout. For swelling of the ears, throat, and neck, she made hot poultices of boiled barley, fleawort, honey, and oil of lilies. All of her recipes and remedies were in constant demand; the weather was relentless.