Forever My Love(71)
"Holt?" Alec asked softly, and Carr nodded.
"Yes… Holt. I could accept his death if there was a reason for it. But there was no reason, there was no explanation at all for what happened to him and why he was…" Carr stopped and forced himself to speak more calmly. "I've got to find out why, I've got to find… Why are you looking at me like that?"
"You're just a little too sincere about this. I'm wondering what you're really after, and what these theatrics are really about."
"Theatrics! Is it that difficult to believe that I cared for my own brother?"
"Yes. I know you, and I know how things were between you and Holt. You rarely had a word to say to each other."
"I couldn't talk to him," Carr said, his gaze round and sincere. "I was too awed by him. You don't understand how it really was… all my life everyone talked about how perfect he was… I tried to measure up to the standards he set… I failed every time. But I did care for him, and I've got to find out who killed him or I'll wonder about it for the rest of my life. If I don't at least try, I'll never find any peace. You don't know what the past months have been like—"
"I do," Alec interrupted. There was a raw note in his voice that momentarily silenced the younger man. "But there were no leads. No clues."
"We can search for them."
"Do you think," Alec inquired coolly, "that it is going to do either of us any damned good to dredge this over and over? It's taken long enough for me to accept what happened—"
"I haven't even been able to get that far," Carr said miserably. "Alec, you're the last one I thought I'd have to convince to help me look for Holt's killer. I thought you cared for him as much as—"
"Damn you," Alec said, his eyes suddenly flashing. "If you're going to fling words so foolhardily, you little pup, then we'll continue this conversation outside. Holt was more a brother to me than my own. Another comment like that and I'll thrash you damned cheerfully… or call you out, which is probably more what you deserve."
"I'm sorry," Carr said, hanging his black head. The sight brought him back so many memories of a penitent Holt that Alec looked away and gritted his teeth.
"Damn you," he said again."Forget about it for now," Carr said in a low voice. "I'm going to Goodman's Tavern. I'll be there for a while tonight, so if you'd care to join me later, I'll buy you a few drinks by way of apology. I shouldn't have approached you with this at such a time and in such a manner."
Alec did not reply, keeping his face averted as Carr walked away. Setting his port on a table, he scowled at the embroidered tablecloth as a brief flashback raced through his mind: Holt walking into Alec's terrace rooms unannounced, good-natured as he had always been when half-drunk.
"It is I, most responsible and hardworking cousin," Holt had announced, setting a gin bottle down in the center of Alec's paperwork. After staring at the ring of alcohol blurring into the ink, Alec had met Holt's twinkling eyes with a feigned scowl.
"If you've come for money, I don't have any."
"The devil you don't… but no, I haven't come for money," Holt had informed him loftily, shaking an unsteady finger in the manner of the stern tutor who had schooled both of them in mathematics. "I've come to rescue you from your labors before your mind wears out from all those parchment scratchings. I'm going to find you a woman." Picking up the gin bottle, Holt had taken a swallow of the clear distillation before adding, "You need a woman. One like my Leila. Come to think of it, maybe Leila has some friends who—"
"Damned if I need your help in finding a woman," Alec had said, grinning suddenly and setting down his pen. He had reached for the gin bottle and taken a swig himself. "I'll find my own woman tonight—one that will make Leila look like the display on a fishmonger's cart."
"Oh-ho!" Holt had chortled, making his way to the door and holding it open deferentially. "Just for Leila's honor, I'm going to call you out… when I'msober." He had smiled crookedly, appraising his own condition. "Which puts you out of danger for a good while____"
Alec sighed, bringing his thoughts back to the present as the orchestra began to play a polonaise. He realized that he was desperate for another drink. Or a woman. Or anything to take his mind off the memories. Guilt twined around him, squeezing until he was numb from the pressure of it. You can't bring him back, Alec told himself, and he was nearly overwhelmed by an abrupt pang of loneliness. He was alive, Holt was dead, and there was nothing to do but go on with his life. But knowing that didn't ease his pain.