He’s right. They do. It’s just never felt like this before.
“I’d like to actually talk to the guys before they go out on the field. Think that would be okay? I’ll make it quick.”
He smiles proudly. “We’d love it, son.”
After the team finishes with the warm up Coach calls all the players together. He gives his speech about doing what we’ve been doing the whole season.
Play together as a team.
Be brothers.
You sweat. We sweat.
Fast hard finish.
Win the day.
Same thing he’s said to us all year but today it means something different to me.
His eyes flick to mine and I nod letting him know I’m ready and still want to do this.
Suddenly I’m nervous. I’m sweating even though it’s pretty chilly in here, my hands are shaking and my stomach flips around. I’m standing beside Cash, who nudges me with his elbow and gives me a head nod. I close my eyes for a brief second and take a deep breath. This is for Steven, for me, for my team, for my friends and hopefully my soon-to-be wife.
“Landon,” Coach calls my name.
The guys open a pathway for me so that I can stand in the center. All their eyes are on me. I tuck my hands in my warm-up pants. I’m not playing so there is no reason for me to suit up but I’m here for my team and wearing my warm-up out is the right thing to do.
“So, I know most of you are looking at me and shaking your heads at how stupid I’ve been these last three years. I’m doing the same thing. I feel stupid for what I’ve done. Some of you think that this is even normal for me. I promise you it’s not. I’m not this guy. The problem is I’m not even sure I know that kid I used to be. Life has a way of doing that to you. If I had to say when that change happened, I’d say it was my senior year of high school. Three years ago after Canby High School won the state championship… that night I lost my best friend in a car accident. He…” I feel my chest constrict with pain. “He died because I was being stupid.”
I look around the room to the guys. Some of them are in shock. Some are shaking their heads. And some are looking at me with pity in their eyes and I hate that the absolute worst.
I shake my head. “I’m not telling you guys this because I want your pity. I’m telling you guys this because you all deserve an explanation as to what the hell I’ve been doing with my life these last three years. I don’t deserve to be here. Steven should be here playing with you guys. He deserved to be here. I know some of you think I should be too, that the past doesn’t matter.” I shoot a glance at Cash and he gives me a reassuring smile. “I made a bad decision that night. We were all celebrating but I couldn’t wait until we got to the beach house out in Cannon Beach. I was drinking and smoking and carrying on. I thought it would be a good idea to hang out of the sunroof. I felt like I was flying.”
My eyes mist over. I’ve never talked about that night. Once I talked about it with the police I never spoke of it again, not like I am now.
“A car was coming around a bend with their high beams on and it blinded us all. I was being begged to get down but when I was trying to get down I dropped the joint I was smoking down Steven’s back. He was yelling at me to get it, it was burning him. I couldn’t because I couldn’t put the words together fast enough. The next thing I know the car had come to a complete stop. It was eerily quiet and I knew in the pit of my stomach that something was seriously wrong. When the fog cleared from my head I sat up and that’s when I saw the way Steven was trapped in the car and how much blood was there. I prayed.” I take a deep breath and rub my nose. “I prayed so damn hard that he would be okay. That just because he was trapped in the car once help arrived they could save him.” I shake my head as the tears start to fall. I don’t care in this moment that my teammates, my brothers, see me crying. “All the praying in the world didn’t save Steven. He died before help got there. I believed I killed him. Later it came out the guy in the truck that we hit was so drunk his blood alcohol level was three times the legal limit. There was no saying who hit who there.”
Cash stands up and guys make a path letting him get to me. He wraps his arm around me and for the first time in three years my life finally felt right. I finally got all of the past off my shoulders. I’m finally dealing.
I rub my eyes with the backs of my hands new tears are coming, or already there. This isn’t easy to say. “What we all have here as a team, a bond, a brotherhood that molds us to who we are. I feel… no… I know that I wasn’t there for you all these last few years but I’m here now. I’m not numbing the pain and the emotions away. I’m going to deal with them head on and get help if not for myself, for you guys.” Cash shifts beside me, and I look over at him. He has tears in his eyes. “No matter what. I’ve let relationships that meant the world to me to go. I’ll never do it again.”