She sighs loudly. “You need to talk to him. He needs you and you need him, Landon. Steven would be livid if he knew the two of you lost yourselves like this. Be there for each other and let him be there for you.”
I stand and take my cup to the sink. “I know.” I answer and stare out the kitchen window. I know what I need to go and do and do it now.
It’s time.
I hear three sets of footsteps coming from the front of the house. I don’t think anything of it at first. I think it’s Josh, Adam and Connor but I know it’s not them when I hear Macy’s voice and the voice I’ve been avoiding for three years.
The atmosphere changes. I look back to Jackie and she has a sad smile on her face. I break out into a sweat as they step into the kitchen. No one notices me at first because they are looking to Jackie.
Macy’s first to see me and she comes closer providing a little buffer between me and Alexa. Madison notices me next and she goes to take a seat next to Jackie. Alexa turns and our eyes connect and all I hear is her yelling to save Steven.
My stomach grumbles threatening to throw up the little bit of coffee I had this morning. I lift my hand up to adjust my hat and pull it a little lower. Alexa steps closer to me. She’s standing right in front of me breathing hard.
She reaches up and it catches me off guard at first when she pushes me backwards. My back is up against the kitchen sink. Jackie stands ready to put her mom hat on and break us apart. Macy slides out of the way just a bit and places a hand on her stomach. Alexa then starts beating on my chest with her fist.
“Just because you’re fucked up,” Alexa motions to Madison who moved next to Macy, “or she’s fucked, doesn’t mean we’re not, you selfish bastard. I’m tired of seeing you two like this. It doesn’t mean that Cash and Macy aren’t dying inside either. We’re all fucked up forever.”
The room goes quiet and Alexa’s hands fall away from my chest.
I’m barely holding it in right now. If I thought losing my scholarship was bad this is so much worse. Hearing it come from Alexa cuts deeper than anything anyone could throw at me. She’s right we all are fucked up and I am being selfish and dealing with it in my own ways. My ways are fucked up, I know this, but I can’t find that slither of hope anymore.
I don’t know what to say to her that will make any of this better. I’ve got to just get out of here. I look up and see Cash and that puts the icing on the cake.
I leave Jackie’s without a word to anyone. No one deserves another apology before Steven and that’s exactly where I’m going.
When I pull up to the cemetery not far from Jackie’s I rest my head back against the headrest giving myself a pep talk. “You can do this, Land. He’s your best friend.” I take a deep breath then reach for the door handle and climb out of my truck. It’s freezing and I welcome the bitterness.
I take a few steps then turn around. I forget something that I brought for Steven. I find it on the passenger seat and toss it on my shoulder.
I find Steven’s final resting place.
Steven Daniel Griffin
October 10, 1992 - December 5, 2010
Your memory will always live on within the souls you touched.
I bow my head and will the tears away. I take a seat on the cold hard ground and rest my back against the tombstone. Bringing my knees up to my chest I rest my arms on them and let my head fall forward.
What do I say? I think to myself. I shake my head because now I’m asking and answering my own questions. So, here goes nothing.
“Hey, buddy,” this feels so wrong but so right too. “I’m sorry it’s been three years before I finally came back for a visit. I figure you had enough time to cool off by now.” I laugh to myself.
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “I’m sorry. I never apologized.” I take a shuttering breath, “I’m sorry for causing you to crash. Everyone says it was just an accident and to not blame myself but I don’t see it like that. I shouldn’t have been drinking, smoking and carrying on in the car. I should have had my ass in a seatbelt and carried on with the partying when we made it to Cannon Beach. I’m sorry.” I scrub my face with my hands. I feel the knot in my stomach. “I fucked everything up, man.”
I can’t hold the tears back anymore. And I don’t even try to stop them at this point. I cry for I don’t know how long…until my throat is killing me and my eyes are burning.
“I’m sorry for not looking out for Alexa. You’d probably be trying to beat my ass up for not looking after her better but to be honest I can’t even look after myself.” I take deep breath. “If it weren’t for Macy hanging on to me I would have self-destructed by now and somebody would be visiting me out here as well. She’s the glue holding me together right now.”