I nod because if I was in her shoes I would have too. “I still should have tried harder.” The tears spill over. “Maybe you wouldn’t be here.”
She shakes her head. “This is not your fault. I wanted the pain to go away.” Alexa starts to sob. “I miss him, Macy.”
I let go of her hand and climb into bed next to her. We both need it. The two of us cry until we have nothing left. We cried for Steven, for that night that changed all of us.
“Are you going to be okay?” I ask once we’ve both wiped our tears away and caught our breaths.
“I’ll never be okay. A piece of me died that night with him.” Alexa answers honestly.
“Make me a promise?”
Alexa looks out to the window and nods.
“No more of this. You’re here, live for him.” The tears start again. “It’s what he would want.”
She doesn’t answer right away and I’m not sure she will make me that promise but then she says, “As long as you make me a promise too.”
“Okay.”
“Promise me that you’ll stop being blind to Landon. He’s going to ruin you, Macy. Be you, be the girl who was my best friend in high school. Don’t put up with his shit.” Alexa’s voice rises and I wonder if Landon can hear her standing out in the hall. “I know what goes on at school. I hear about the parties and what the football players are doing and who they’re doing. I see it all too. It hurts me to watch you living your life with your head turned away when it involves Landon.” Alexa takes a deep breath. “I blame him and Madison for that accident but what pisses me off the most is that they’re throwing their lives away. They should be…” Her tears come again. “They shouldn’t take that for granted.”
“I know.” I whisper and hug her close.
Everything she has said is true. In some ways Cash and I are taking life for granted with the way we let them walk all over us. Alexa is right when she said that I’ve been letting Landon walk all over me. I shouldn’t let him but I do anyway. If I am pregnant this changes everything for me. I won’t put my baby through this emotional rollercoaster that is Landon. Life is too precious, if only I would listen to myself.
“I think Madison wants to talk to you.” I say slipping from Alexa’s bed. “I’m going to go down and get something to drink. Do you want anything?”
She smiles and shakes her head.
“I’ll see you later.”
She nods and I see another tear slip down her beautifully pale face.
December 7, 2013
I can’t focus on anything when I wake up. Mostly because my mind is all over the place, I’m still upset with Landon and my life is a fucking wreck. Not only am I worried about Alexa but I still haven’t started my period. Damn it. Being pregnant would be the worst thing that could happen right now.
Landon has barely talked to me since leaving the hospital yesterday. Things are different after our blow up and we still have a lot more talking to do but him not saying a word really isn’t helping. I feel so alone.
As I lay there in bed, I feel like I need a friend. One who understands. I planned on going by the hospital to check on Alexa since she was getting released today but first I need to make a stop. I put on my Ducks hoodie and a pair of jeans, stop by the coffee stand on the corner and order a decaf mocha for me, and a black coffee for Cash.
I knock on the door when I get there, Julia, Cash’s step-mom answers and smiles. She knows Cash and I are still friends. “It’s good to see you, sweetie.” She says wrapping her warm arms around me. For a while, Cash’s dad wouldn’t speak to any of us, said we were stupid and put everyone’s life in danger. He had these grand plans that Cash would play in the NFL, and though that plan still looked that way, his dad didn’t want him having friends or distractions. He was a dick and I’m not sure what Julia sees in him because she’s super sweet.
“Is Cash around?”
“Yeah, he’s still in bed.” She points upstairs and then hears Bentley crying in the other room. I smile and take a peek since I haven’t seen Bentley in about six months. She’s already getting so big and walking by herself. When she sees her mommy, her toothless grin sends my heart fluttering. I could be having one of those soon. My hand goes to my stomach, my heart pounding, hands shaking.
“I can’t believe how big she’s gotten already,” I say, kneeling down beside her.
Bentley looks up at me and takes two wobbly steps in my direction. My eyes flood with tears. She looks identical to her big brother in a lot of ways. Same bright blue eyes and golden brown hair. Only instead of the wavy curls Cash has, Bentley looks like she stuck her little hand in a light socket. It sticks up everywhere.