Fuck.
Why am I still with him? Why can’t I be strong enough to walk away? Hell, why can’t I turn my feelings off and just live my life the way he is?
“You okay?” Heather asks nudging me in the side.
I blink a few times clearing the tears away that were doing their damndest to form. “No. I’m never okay.”
Heather’s sad eyes meet mine. “He doesn’t know how lucky he is to have you, Mace.” Heather hugs me to her side. “I’ve told you before. Play a game he understands.”
“I don’t know if I’m strong enough.” I whisper and I’m not even sure she heard me with the cheers from the crowd.
“You are, Macy. You don’t see what I see. You’re stronger than most of us here.”
It’s then that I let a single tear fall. I don’t feel strong. I feel defeated. I feel sacked.
Heather and I don’t really talk the rest of the game but she finds little ways to comfort me. She knows I’m hurting. She knows that she opened up my eyes and I’m seeing things in a different light. I’m seeing things through the darkness. I’m seeing things that Landon sees. I’m caving. I’m locking my feelings away. It seems like it’s the only way.
Take what I have now or leave it.
I barely paid attention to the rest of the last quarter but the Ducks won sixty-two to thirty-eight.
Word travels around that there is a party at Tim’s house tonight. Heather and I walk back to our dorm after the game to change and get ready but my head is a mess and I need to clear it. When we get back to the dorms I feel like the walls were caving in around me.
“I’ll be back.” I say to Heather and slip my shoes on.
Her eyebrows shoot up in surprise. She just got out of the shower and she’s standing in our room in a towel. “Are you going to the party?”
I nod because I know I will. “Yeah. I just need to clear my head.”
“Mace,” Heather whines.
“I’m fine. I promise. I just have to get some air.”
She sits on her bed, “I didn’t tell you that stuff earlier to fuck you up. I’m sorry I brought Landon into it.”
I shake my head. I’m not sorry she did. “It’s not that.” I open the door and step into the hallway before she can say anything else. I didn’t mean to make her feel like shit but now I’m confused.
After walking around for a while I head back to the dorms to get ready. I stayed out long enough that I knew Heather would be at the party by now.
I get dressed although I don’t even know why I’m really even going to this party. No, that’s not true. If Landon wants to mess around, why can’t I? Why can’t I turn my feelings off like he does? Like Madison does?
I decide to wear the short jean skirt that Landon loves and the flowing black off the shoulder top and a pair of black boots. I sweep my hair up into a messy bun and leave a few strands of hair out. I apply just a little makeup and I’m ready to go in twenty minutes. I grab my light jacket with the hood since it’s raining and I’m out the door.
The walk is short to Tim’s. When I get there the party is in full swing. Holden is out on the front lawn talking to a bunch of the guys from the team. I look around and don’t see Landon.
“Hey, Macy,” Declan says as I walk past the group.
He’s talked to me a time or two but he never went out of his way to say anything to me before and it takes me a few seconds to catch up.
“Hey.”
The rest of the guys turn to look at me. Holden, who is by far the best looking one of the group in front of me, smirks. He nods his chin in a greeting.
I smile and look back to Declan. “Landon in there?”
Declan’s eyes fall to the ground and gives a little nod. A shiver comes over me and I wrap my arms around myself needing the warmth. The protectiveness.
“Thanks.”
I walk away and I hear one of them say, “Landon’s a fucking idiot.”
I step into the house and my eyes take a second to adjust to the darkness. The bass of the song matches the thump in my chest. I walk into the living room and stand behind the couch looking around for Heather or Landon, hell, even Cash at this point.
My eyes scan the room.
My hands rest on the back of the couch.
My heart is hammering.
I can feel the room shifting.
My body leans against the couch.
My hands grip the back of the couch tighter. They’re cold and clammy.
I spot Heather in a corner talking to a few girls. She doesn’t see me just yet.
I see people flowing in and out of the kitchen with their cups full of beer.
My breaths are coming in shorter pants.
Then my eyes spot the number ten jersey. I see his lean body; I would know that body anywhere. I let my eyes roam down his body. I gasp when I see a pair of tan legs wrapped around his waist.